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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: April 2012

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Passive Denial

I'm a very passive person.  I rarely get provoked enough to argue with someone, and I never really stand up to people who are being jerks.  Even if I can think of some really great responses.  When pushed far enough, I have an uncanny knack of zeroing in on your absolutely worst insecurity and hitting where it hurts and that is probably why I don't argue with people.  But I REALLY have to be provoked.

But, recently, I've had some things dug up from my past that has me feeling down in the dumps.  I tend to bury my hurt and my anger at people.  Yes, I'm aware that it's supposed to be better to confront people and let things go, but I don't. I go into a state of passive denial and move on.  It doesn't mean I like you, I forgive you, or that I'm not still angry.  It means that I do my best not to think of you, ever.

Sometimes it creeps up on me.  Sometimes I'm standing in my shower on an odd Tuesday, washing my hair, and I'm suddenly thinking of something that hurt or someone who wronged me.  So, today, I'm going to vent and release some irritation, forgive me if you are deeply offended.

During my deployment I befriended a wife who was previously active duty and this was her first reserve unit, and first reserve deployment.  She insisted to me, MANY TIMES, that we didn't know anything about deployments and that this was nothing.  There are so many things wrong with that attitude.

1. Everyone experiences everything differently.
2.  Not everyone has been through a deployment before
3.  NOT EVERYONE has been through a deployment where they lost people

The idea that she thought it was appropriate to belittle others feelings during this difficult time was outrageous to me.  She was constantly making me and everyone we knew feel like we shouldn't be stressed or worried.  When I don't hear from my husband for 10 days while he's fighting a war, I worry, and I have every right to worry.  The reality is, the only time you can be all that confident that your husband is alive is when you are physically speaking to him...  Now, I did not allow that to be my mentality.  I went about my day, trusting in his ability to be safe and his mens abilities to do their job.  But come one, telling everyone that our stress is not valid because of what you went through, 4 years before, in a different unit, is just rude.

She also told me multiple times that she doesn't belittle peoples feelings or invalidate them.  She isn't like that and thus would never do that... Right.  Because the above is definitely NOT invalidating others feelings about their situation, being insensitive or belittling others feelings.

It really has bothered me, all this time, how she treated people.

One of my friends got married just before they left and he wasn't able to get the paper work in to include her in the info tree, so his parents stayed on.  She tried to change this, but it's hard to do that during a deployment.  This girl told my friend that if her husband had wanted her to be in the loop, he would have put her on the list.  I'm not kidding, she said that to her. What a rude, horrible person.

I will never understand people like her.  People who think they know everything and that just because their life has been one way, means that everyone else doesn't know anything.

A deployment is a deployment.  It doesn't matter how long it lasts, who gets injured, or who comes home.  The act of living through one, state side, waiting to hear anything from anyone, wanting to know if everyone is ok, but having no means of finding out, knowing your loved one is in harms way, is stressful.  It's hard, it's painful.  And it's no one's place to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling what you are, or that you don't have a right to feel that way.  During a deployment, you have every right to be stressed, worry, to cry, to feel alone or sad.  Whatever you feel, good or bad, is informed by your life and your situation and no one has the right to tell you that you can't or shouldn't feel that way because of their life and their situation.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Don't read books...

Well, don't read books that make you depressed.

I'm reading the Hunger Games series.  I do no generally fall prey to those ubber popular series so quickly after they make waves.  Case in point: Book four was out before I started Harry Potter (though I can cooly admit I'm the biggest HP nerd) and I didn't even understand what Twilight was until my mom insisted the borrow the books.  Even then, they sat in my house until halfway through my husbands deployment, which was months after the first movie had come and gone from theaters.  And I didn't even really understand the movie had come out.  I'm not really up to date on teen fiction, or popular crazes.  Can someone explain to me what a Kardashian in please?

But I had so many people push the Hunger Games on me.  I put it off, as I love to do with popular stuff like that, but the husband saw a trailer and thought the movie didn't look half bad and it made me realize I'd better read the book sooner rather than later... or at least before it becomes available on Netflix.

I just finished book two.  I don't talk much about books I read.  I go in and out of intense periods of reading based on how busy I am. But keep in mind that I love Jane Austen, I think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is everything a book should be, and I prefer a good mystery over much else.  Cop dramas are all the better.  So to hunger games is not up my alley...  But I do like them.  They are good.  Not great, but they keep my attention and make me want to keep reading... Aside from the part where I have officially teared up more in these two books than any other book or series I have ever read.  And at parts that are moving, but don't warrant crying I'm sure.  I don't know why I find these books so gut wrenching.  Exciting, sure, but why do I also find them totally depressing?

But now that I've finished book two, I have no choice but to see where this story ends...  It's the same reason I read all of the Twilight series.  I reluctantly like those books, but very, very reluctantly, and I have never seen the movies.  I just can't because I don't actually like any of the characters that much. I honestly think I only read them and liked them because the hubs was a world away.  But the Hungers Games, I actually like and think I could read again... But I probably won't because I would rather not be utter depressed while reading a book... And, to be honest, the second book was a bit predictable and it's not leaving me high hopes that the third book will satisfy me.  

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

A Girl Everlasting

Sometimes I feel like I lose motivation half way through the day.  It's all going to be there waiting for me tomorrow anyway, right?

It reminds me of the book Tuck Everlasting.  I haven't read the book since I was a kid, but one part that has always stuck with me is the idea that when you have forever to clean, why bother.  I don't have forever, but do I really want to spend all of my time picking up the same mess each day?  Welcome to wifehood, but sometimes I want to tear my hair out.

Every day is the same.  I wake up, I check my email, I take the dogs for a walk, I feed them breakfast and do the dishes while they eat.  I pick up the kitchen, do some laundry (yes, I really do that much laundry) I pick up the living room, I pick up the husbands laundry that he has left all over the house, I pick up the shoes in the entry way, I pick up the bathroom, I wipe stuff, I tidy, I check my email 100 more times (why I get 100 emails a day I will never understand since most of them I just delete), I might (and it's a BIG might) watch some TV.  I check my FB here and there, sometimes more often, sometimes less.  I train the dogs a bit, and do busy work that never seems to end.  All day, every day.  I don't see people, they are all at work while I'm home and I work while they are home.  And then on certain days, I deep clean.

After the flood and four straight days of clean up and sorting etc, today and yesterday I lost steam half way through my day.  It probably doesn't help that I had 5 loads of military laundry to do, which I find incredibly tedious.  Normal laundry I don't mind, but for some reason cammies and such drive me nuts to fold and put away.  And that was on top of our normal 3-5 loads of laundry.  Since neither the hubs or I can where civies to work, we have way more laundry to do than just two people should.

But I'm looking at my house, knowing that it's cleaner and tidier than any of our friends.  Knowing that having four days off a week allows me to clean.  But I look around and know that the list is never ending.  My iPad has a terrible and awesome app that allows me to maintain a variety of lists and tick stuff off as I go and continually add to it.  I have long term and short term things to do and home improvement stuff and the likes... But it also never ends.  And I never seem to have time for anything on the lists because of all the general tidy/cleaning I do each day... It's a never ending battle against the clean home and the messy gnomes who leave crap laying around for me to pick up.

I feel like, if I have the never ending mess and never ending job to do as a wife, does it really matter if I do it all today?  His military clothes will be in a pile in my hall again soon enough, the dishes will be in the sink after dinner again, the mess will creep up in the middle of the night for me to see in the light of day, whether I do anything today or not...

When it feels like the mess will be there forever, why bother to clean it up?

Am I alone in this feeling?  

Sunday, April 15, 2012

What are the odds?

Seriously?  You do one little thing like break up with the universe and quit the world and the universe turns into a crazy ex!

Tonight, after three days of work sorting, cleaning, skipping my day job to deal with the mess, and more money than I care to think about, we were so close!  SOOOOO CCCCCLLLLOOOOOOSSSSEEEE!  

We were almost done putting it all away when I hear my husband utter the terrible, "Aw, are you F'ing kidding me!"  While staring at the doorway of the closet under our stairs.  I get up and say, "what?" just in time to find a giant puddle of water making it's quiet assault on our garage.  We scramble to start moving things and the hubs runs to tell the neighbors that they might want to look in their garage.  I find new mini rivers of water coming through other parts along that wall.  Turns out, after all of that, their new water heater that was put in yesterday, exploded tonight, at like 11pm.  Luckily, we had decided to stay up a bit late to finish a few things.  We still have some stuff we were leaving for tomorrow anyway, but I'm just glad the husband pushed to do just a little more clean up.  Saved us and the neighbors a lot of heart ache had we gone to bed... 

I'm still trying to be thankful.  We caught it again.  We minimized more damage to add to the damage from before.  We had even take the first flood as a sign it was finally time to put up those pesky shelves we kept putting off.  Granted, forced, unplanned home improvement projects are not high on my list of how I like to do things, but we put in shelves and cabinets, I finally got the hubs to get rid of some stuff and sort his 10 years of military crap spread across more foot lockers than anyone family should own, and we got rid of some stuff.   Even the few things that had gotten wet before didn't suffer damage and the one cabinet we did have that had gotten a little cruddy with the water was pulled apart and repurposed.  But what all that work assessing, cleaning, sorting and what not means is that when the waters came in this time they weren't hidden by our crap and our crap was mostly off the floors already.  :)  Some of it is still down there, so we did still have to move stuff, but the bulk is up and out of harms way.  

Thank goodness!!!!

But we did have to sit and wait up for the water emergency people to show up.  Nothing like being up much later than planned because of a flood!  At least the first time happened in the morning! 

UGH!  I'm not much for the FML phrase... But I think it's earned here.  

FML. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dear Universe: This isn't working out, Sorry.

So, maybe I SHOULD NOT have posted that if I could bitch slap the universe in the face, I would.

We got our tax return and the husband headed out into the field just in time for our fridge to decided it had really given up on functioning properly.  I keep opening the door to find puddles of water.  At first I had decided that it was explainable by this or that... I finally had to accept that my fridge had given up on life about half way through gunnery.

You may laugh at that.  It's funny.  But it's my own fault.  Not only did I say I would bitch slap the universe in the face in my last post, but I may have also said something along the lines of, "this is the first gunnery that I haven't been sick or had some sort of catastrophic event," to fellow milie while we were discussing how she was having a horrible gunnery filled with bad luck.  See, my own fault for baiting the universe.

I would love to cry right now, but our luck has become so horrible that it's actually become comical.

The husband arrived back home last night, showered and we discussed what to do about our fridge.  The only solution?  Use our hard earned tax return to buy a new one.  We would get up this AM and go look at fridges and buy one.  While at the hardware store, we would price some garage storage items to plan out our garage storage needs.  At some point, my broken laptop is going to need to be assessed by Mac to see if it's fixable, but until then, I'll cope without one....  The screen broke before Europe....

If this wasn't tempting enough for fate, I just had to be upset because over the last few days, the iPad I have been trying desperately to make function has been refusing.  We bought it to prevent having to buy a new laptop, but have discovered that it's really not a replacement at all.  I love it, but nothing I need to work on it ever does and the only things that work consistently are things like the Netflix app which are not of any real use when I need to pay bills online.  Did I mention that it keeps logging me off of things and erasing the stuff I type before I can send it?  GRR... But really, not a huge deal, right?  What's a broken fridge and a broken laptop between friends... LOL!   It probably just needs to be updated and I'm just being fussy.

So, I woke up this morning and the hubs took the dogs for a walk, but seconds after leaving shouted that I needed to call the HOA because the neighbors house was flooding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HOLY COW!  I looked out the window to see a river of water flowing out of their garage.  No one was home, so I called the HOA to be told that our contact person wasn't there and the receptionist doesn't have access to any emergency numbers for maintenance people.  HUH?  So, I had to watch water pour out of their house while I tried to find something that would put us in contact with someone!  Nope, no luck.  So we went to our other neighbor who is on the board and he tried.  I was so worried that a pipe burst and that their whole house was flooding.

Long story short, I called the fire department to come bust down the door when we went to our garage to leave (having been told the HOA was trying to get someone to the unit ASAP) only to discover a broken fridge would not be our only worry.  Our garage was now flooding too.  Yep, their water heater exploded and flooded their garage which shares a wall with ours.  And our garage flooded right along with it.  UGH!  (I will note that we were told had we not called when we did and gotten the fire department there, our houses would have caught on fire.  The heater had not only exploded and was flooding our houses, but was about to catch on fire!  So, I'm calling that in a win in all of this mess.)

So, we had to deal with all that comes with a flooded garage, a broken fridge and a broken laptop... Only the laptop has taken a wicked back seat to food not spoiling and our house not flooding.  HAHA!  And, of course, this means that we had to expedite some of our garage plans because we have to go through all the stuff to look for damage and figure out how to get the rest of the stuff off the floor so that the floor and wall can dry out.  Not laughing yet?

Well, we went to the hardware store after carefully measuring every inch of our garage and planning a budget.  I had been fortunate enough to have started some of my research online while the hubs was gone, so I had an OK idea about prices... Buying the fridge turned out to be easy.  The first one we liked was rated number one and fit the space.  The garage stuff needed?  Well, every store in the Western WA area only had one of anything we needed...  So, the poor guys were having to look up and call every store and try to track down stuff for us that turns out are not popular enough items to be ordered until they are out of stock.  So, we will have to drive around and buy one of everything at every store in order for any of them to get any more in... Seriously.  Oh, and they can't special order regularly stocked items.

I utterly give up.

Dear Universe:  This relationship is not working out.  It's not you, it's me.  I need a break.  I've decided to quit the world and hide out in another place and time.  I'll call you. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

defeated

Do you ever have days where you wake up feeling defeated by the world?  That would be my day.

I worked a 16 hour shift yesterday.  I lost a patient.  She was improving and then just suddenly crashed and there was nothing we could do.  I nearly cried.  Not because I was particularly attached to her, but because it was how my whole day felt like it was going.  Just one thing after another, one critical patient after another that I just couldn't do enough for...

I'm so tired that I only got one day of training in this week.  And I completely gave up on being even remotely productive day!

I feel angry... Just angry at the world lately.  Angry that I'm angry.  Sure I love to go on the odd rant, but I'm not generally a sad or angry person.  I enjoy a good pity party, I love to get pissy about stuff, but really, I'm a perpetual optimist... And yet, my optimism is gone and if I could bitch slap the universe in the face, I probably would right now.

Case in point:

Today, a friend posted on FB about being happy to be at home and not working because she's so productive now.  Her friend said that it won't last and that she'll want to be back to work soon enough.  I simply commented that I really liked being an at home wife for the years I was and that sometimes I dream about going back.  And that I wasn't ever all that bored.  This complete stranger said that  "OF COURSE you would want to be an at home wife if you don't enjoy your job because then it would be better to be home... "

I don't actually think that's what I said.  I'm pretty sure I just said that I liked it.  I really like my job.  I feel fulfilled (though often stressed) with what I do.  My coworkers rock, my company rocks and I'm passionate about Vet Medicine.  Would I be looking into more schooling and getting my specialty in emergency and critical care if I didn't like my job?  No.  But she wouldn't know that about me.  She doesn't know me from Adam and has no idea what I do for a living.  It was a rudely presumptuous thing to say.  And why is she assuming I didn't find staying at home fulfilling because she didn't?  I loved being a stay at home wife.  I loved being there for my husband all the time and cooking for him and taking care of the dogs.  It's not all sunshine and roses, but there is nothing wrong with enjoying being home with your family.  I'm a bit sensitive about people who look down on SAHM or SAHW.  I had a full time job that I wasn't paid for and yet still found it fulfilling.  Most SAHM I know do.

Anyhoo, the point is I was more enraged than warranted by her stupid comment (as I'm sure you have now noticed).  I don't know why.  People like that always bug me, but they are usually something I forget about 2 seconds later...

Maybe it's this whole FB culture.  Are we too well connected?  I'm a fairly private person and I generally don't keep many close friends and maybe FB and all of it's glory is simply too much human contact for me.  Maybe two years of constant contact with random ass people has worn down my generally nice demeanor for this surly person who is now blogging...

I don't know, but I'm surly and angry and frustrated with the whole world right now.  I have no idea why or what exactly is going on.  But it's dragging me down.  I feel defeated by everything and mad at everything.

I really hope this feeling doesn't last.

New Name!

After having given it a lot of thought for what feels like years (and it was probably at least one year) I have changed the name of my blog.

I started this blog to deal with a deployment, hence the title... But the hubs has been home for a few years now and it seems time to move on...

Meet: A Boy, and Girl, and The Marine Corps: A love triangle.

Hope y'all like the new title!  :)