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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: February 2012

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I'm proud of my Marine

Well, we are gearing up and counting down the final days until we leave.   This includes running a crap ton of errands, buying last minute things we didn't think we needed, and generally running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...

So, one of the things on my list yesterday was to stop at our local hardware store (I will not mention which big, national chain it was) to buy some type of mat to put in butthead #2's crate due to the fact that she wakes us up super early in the AM because of her constant moving and trying to get comfortable.  Remember, she is a bed eater, so she is not allowed to have a bed in her crate.

I decided that something like the mats you use in the garage or kitchen to save your feet would be ideal.  Upon checking out, I flashed my military ID to get my discount.  The woman politely asked if it was me or my husband who serves. I told her my husband is a Marine.  She asked if he is home, and I said yes, he's been home for a bit after his second tour.  She, of course, follows up with the standard, "Will he have to go back" inquiry.  I shrugged and said maybe, it's likely.  She said she was sorry.  She asked how much longer he had in service, I said, "He just signed up for three more years."  To which she replied, "I'm sorry."

Uhhhhmmmmm.... WHAT?  The whole conversation was like this.  Why do people think that is an ok way to reply to us?  It's SOOO offensive.  I'm NOT sorry he re-up'ed.  I'm NOT sorry he servers.  I'm NOT sorry about his two tours, nor will I be sorry about any additional ones.  I'm NOT sorry that my husband is a brave, loyal, patriotic man who was compelled to VOLUNTARILY serve his country and thus, protect his nation.  And did she not hear the part about how he signed up for it?  He choose to continue to serve for three more years.

Do people not realized how it sounds when they say that?  It comes across as belittling his job, no matter what the intention.  Could you imagine if people thought that was an acceptable thing to say to normal everyday civilian jobs?  I'm sorry you're a cashier at a big, national hardware store.   Gee, Insert name here, I'm sorry your husband is an accountant.  I'm sorry your wife is a vet tech.  I'm sorry that you have a job that you love.  "Oh, yes, my husband is mail man."  "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

What the heck?  I'm sorry your husband has a steady job, benefits, wears a sexy uniform, is brave, loyal, and physically wicked fit.  I'm sorry that your husband has job security and loves what he does.  I'm sorry he protects our nation, fights our wars so that I don't have to, and fights for my freedoms.  Sorry to hear that he has a job to be proud of, while I'm a 40 year old woman who makes minimum wage as a clerk at a hardware store...

Ok, so that last line was petty, but seriously.  I couldn't believe it.  I get so tired of that being the reaction to my husband service.

PEOPLE:  This was has been going on for 10 years, new trouble is brewing, at what point are y'all gonna pull your heads out of your butts long enough to realize how to talk to and react to military persons and their families?  And at what point are you going to realize that we are proud of what our spouses do.

I know I get mad about the USMC being in the middle of our marriage.  I know I get pissed off at Tricare.  I get irritated about a lot of things.  We all do.  But here's the deal:  My husband was a Marine before we met, if I didn't like it, then I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM!!!!!  I love him and that fact that he is a Marine.  I couldn't be more proud to call myself a milspouse and count myself a member of the community that all you lovely ladies come from.  You are all so amazing and strong and I love that I can learn from y'all.  And my husband's service is amazing and I'm so proud to stand by him and support him.  It's no different that being proud your husband is a police officer, a fire fighter, or an accountant.  We are all proud of our spouses for what they do, civilian and military alike.  And who cares what that job is?  There is never a reason to belittle what someone chooses to do for a living if it's something they love.

I'm sure that was not her intention, but it's what she said...

To all of you who say "I'm sorry" when people say that their spouses are in the military, or have more time left on their contracts:  Next time, just say "Thank You."  Or, say nothing at all.

End of my little rant... Sorry.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The final count down to Europe!

We leave very, very soon...

I can't sleep because of the whole flying thing... Every day is one day closer to crossing that ocean. Sigh.

On a happier note, visiting Europe in the off season rocks. We have a hotel in Paris that is not only downtown, but has a view of the Eiffel tower. Gotta love off season specials. I booked a private bike tour of Paris too. Pretty stoked about that one. We also got a great deal on our room in Edinburgh, complete with castle view. :). We've prebooked a few tours over all, and I found an awesome website that offers 2 for 1 admissions to a bunch of stuff in London as long as we hang onto our rail tickets. All in all, I think I did a good job planning.

It's three countries on a partial budget. We splurged a bit, I mean, when are going to do this again? But I also did my best to research tips, tricks and general good deals. Buying early helped a lot too. But it means my whole life has been all consumed with this trip for months now... I'm daydreaming about what life will be like when we get home. Lol! Imagine not spending hours and hours carefully budgeting every detail for a 14 day time frame, not having to spend hours going from website to website reading reviews and comparing prices, hours spent making lists for everything under the sun! What will that be like?

But, I'm also feeling the time crunch to put the finishing touches on the trip, confirm our details, and generally get ready to go. The dogs are packed and ready to go to their boarding place, and I'm starting to gather the things we Need that we don't use in everyday life at the moment, the house needs to be prepped, and last minute errands run...

Then it's off we go!!!! So, you might be hearing from me for a bit. ;)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Is a divorce in my future?

So, everyone seemed very surprised I used the BIG D word...  I'm sorry, I forgot that I didn't mention this major life change to you all...

Here's what happened:

After the Christmas fiasco, I was heart broken.  For a year I have been telling my husband that I can't do this on my own.  I can't save our marriage on my own.  It takes two people to make it work.  I sat him down in November and laid it out for him.

I told him that he had to change.  That things had to improve.  I can't keep hanging onto hope that someday my husband will love me.  If I try hard enough, if I love hard enough, if I work hard enough, he will see it and want to love me back.  I informed him that I was done.  I was not going to scream to be heard, to fight to be appreciated, and to all around try so hard when he is not trying at all.  I told him that either things change, or someday, he is going to come home and find me and the dogs gone with no warning at all.  He should have considered that his warning.  I met with a lawyer that same month.  I laid out a plan to leave him.  I came home and told him that I had done so, but that I don't want to get divorced.  It boils down to the fact that I love him and want to make it work.

December came, as did the new year, and nothing changed.

I hit my wits end.  I hit the end of my ability to deal with constant disappointment, constant heart break, and constantly feeling like I don't matter.

I love my husband.  I love him more than I thought I could love anyone.  But I need to feel loved back.  He is my whole world.  I want to take care of him and make him happy, and all I ask in return is to feel that he loves me more than anything in the world.  Instead, I feel like he loves his friends, he loves his Xbox, Facebook, his laptop, the Marine Corps, the dogs, beer, Youtube, etc and somewhere, way down at the bottom of everything in his life, me.  He doesn't make me a priority.  He doesn't support me.  He puts everyone and everything else in his life before me.  He ignores me, he doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't respect my feelings, he doesn't even bother to care about them.  He doesn't respect my time.

He comes home and expects me to work 40+ hours a week, take care of the dogs, the house, the bills, the cleaning, the laundry, run errands, make phone calls, and generally make our life function, with no help.  He spends his days off having beers with his friends and playing video games, but has no issue thinking I should spend my days off taking care of our life and having no time for me.  He also tends to have issues with me spending money, though he gets spending money every week just because.  I try to talk to him, I want to spend time with him and he ignores me and blows me off.  If we plan a date night, he will come home and ask if he can go watch the fight with a friend instead, if I say no, he asks like a jerk all night.  I usually end up saying yes.  I'd rather be home alone and pissed, then home with him being a brat about it. This is how he is.  He doesn't seem to value me or our time together.

Our marriage is very imbalanced.  Our marriage is not a marriage.  It feels like he wants a maid and a personal assistant, not a wife.

Last month, I sat him down again.  The reason being this:  We have a friend who seems to encourage my husband to make poor choices.  The guy is very nice, but whenever my husband has been with him, he comes home, drunk, and borderline verbally abusive.  He treats me horribly.  I requested that he take a break from this friendship to allow us to have a more solid foundation.  Last month, he went over to this persons house to "get a key and instructions for watching the house while they were gone"  He was supposed to be gone for 5-10 min.  He disappeared for an hour.  He only came home because I text him to tell him that he needed to leave.  He couldn't even respect my wish, my temporary request.

So, I explained to him my plan for leaving him.  I told him how much I needed for my lawyer, I emailed a list of the things in the house I want, or that were mine prior to the marriage.  I explained how it would all work.  He told me he didn't want to get divorced.  I almost laughed.  He genuinely seemed shocked that I was telling him all of this.  How could he not have heard me?  For months, for almost a year, he had warning, he had me telling him this is exactly what would happen.  How was he surprised?

Anyway, I told him that if he meant it. if he really wants to save our marriage, he has until I have saved up the money for my lawyer to prove it.  I don't know how long that will take, but that is how long he has, so he is running on an indefinite amount of borrowed time.

I am still planning this.  But we are taking it day by day.  He knows that that I WILL leave him.  He knows that this is his last chance to try to make this work.  This is it.  Day by day is hard.  Some days it seems like we will be ok, other days, I wish I had the money for the lawyer right now. But we are trying to save it.  We are trying to salvage what is left of the pieces of our broken life.  This is why I haven't been around as much.  One thing we are doing it cutting down on time spent on our computers and internet.  I have created boundaries, we have created guidelines.  We are working on things.  I truly hope this works out.  I love him.  I don't want to divorce him, but, as I've said before, Love is not all you need.

I am truly, completely, heart broken.  How can you love someone so much, who said they would love you, only to spend 4 years of marriage feeling like you don't matter?  He is the family I CHOSE.  I chose to be with him.  I chose him to be the person I spend my life with.  And he is choosing to not honor his vows and not to honor me.  It's too much to ask for me to save our life on my own.  And I want to cry every day when I think that I might wake up one day and realize that he is never going to love me back...

So, that is where we are.  That is my day by day.  I don't know if we will get divorced.  I don't know if we can save our marriage.  All I know is that I want to try, but I can't try forever.  But, he seems to be trying this time.  He seems to have realized that the last year was not an idle threat and that he has to be present in our life to make it work.  He has to be in this too.  I want to know that it's us against the world and that he is going to hold my hand and wade through the mud with me.  He seems to be trying to do it.  We'll see where this year takes us.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Well....

What do you do when your best friend and sounding board is no longer there?

My best friend is no longer someone I can talk to.... About anything. I'm heart broken. Like things are bad enough.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to.

In other news, I'm taking my divorce day by day. We are not officially divorcing (yet), so I'm going day by day, or more like hour by hour, to try to make this work. Some days, I can hardly look at my husband, some days we laugh all the time, some days it's both.

We are still going to Europe for our anniversary. I'm in crunch time to finish the trip planning and supply buying. But we got screaming deals on our hotels because it's the off season. So, we have a room that over looks the eiffel tower in Paris and a room that over looks the castle in Edinburgh. We've got travel arrangements for all our side trips and are just deciding what tickets to buy ahead of time and what to buy when we get there for all the various attractions.

The pups are doing better, so that is nice, but my fear of flying over water is making my anxiety level sky high and getting higher every day that brings me closer to boarding the plane... I hate flying as it is. I always get sick. Not cold and flu sick, but like an altitude sickness type thing. And flying over water just makes my dislike of flying worse. Flying over land is fine. Why? Don't laugh: it's because everyone will know if we crash on land. Plane crashes on land, big boom, news media alerted. Bodies are found, survivors accounted for, aid administered. Crashing over water on the other hand... Sigh. Plane crashes, disappears into the ocean, takes hours to realize and even longer to figure out where (if they ever do), survivors probably lost at sea. that's assuming we actually crash in the water and freeze to death. What if we crash onto one of the many uninhabited islands that are yet uncharted? No one ever knows we survived and now we find ourselves in a Lost type situation, though hopefully without the weird mystical happenings and people conducting experiments.

My stress level is through the roof and I've lost my one and only close friend... If I was a cryer, I'd cry right now.