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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: January 2012

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Painful truths

I love my husband.  I worry about him when he's not with me.  I'm constantly scared I'll never see him again.  This thought process stems from our deployment when I would go ages without hearing from him and not know if he was alive.  It's a habitual way of thinking that I have never been able to stop.

The painful truth is that I adore him.  But I just don't always feel he adores me.

We started out our married life with me being a stay at home wife.  He loved it.  We had always agreed that I would only work part time, if I worked at all, so that I could be home with him.  When I went to school, I decided I wanted to work full time.  He agreed.  But I'm struggling with the thought that this is part of our problem.

In a lot of ways he's very old fashioned in the way he approaches life.  I think it's hard for him to not have me home.  I think part of why we struggle is that we never see each other.

The painful truth is that I love my job.  I love what I do.  I love my wonky schedule.  I love working at an ER.  But a day practice with day practice hours would be better for my married life.  I work when my husband is home and he works when I am home.  We only have one (partial) mutual day off, but I work until 4am that day so it's only a half day and I sleep for most of it...

He loves my paycheck.  It's really helping us reach some of our financial goals... But what about our marriage goals?

How do I find a balance between loving my job and the struggle we are having in our marriage because we never see each other?

We struggle when I'm not working.   My marriage is not falling apart because I have a job, but I'm worried my working is not helping.

But I have so many great goals for my professional life...

The painful truth is I don't know how we can find a balance.

I don't know that this is our problem, but it feels like it's not helping the situation...  How do we find a good balance when both of us work so many hours a week and such long days?

Sigh.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Grumpy

I'm grumpy when I'm ouchie... My back is all hurty and I'm kinda grumpy...

WA state just past a law into being on Jan 1 that all cats, dogs and ferrets have to be vaccinated against rabies.  We were one of only 10 states who had no state mandated law for this prior to Jan 1 2012.  It was determined city by city, or county by county, with unincorporated areas having no specific requirements.   This came up on a forum I'm apart of.  I mentioned this fact.  Someone from another state pulled up a website from a few years ago that lists all the states and their rabies laws and claimed that this site said that ALL states had a law requiring it, but it was state by state on when it was to be given and how often.

Well, that was just flat wrong.  1.  Not all states require it.  2.  Under the section citing WA state law, it clearly says "draft." 3.  If you look up the law WAC code it cites, there is nothing there.  4.  The only part about that WA section that was correct was the law that says animals coming in from other states have to have it with a travel certificate or proof of it.  That is true for nearly all states anyway.

Was I a jerk for not letting it go?  Probably.  But I posted a link to a news article about how it's a NEW state law and was previously city by city, or county by county with some areas having no law at all... I also then posted a comment pointing out the fact that the website she posted says clearly that the WA law is a "draft" and looked to be a draft of the current/new law.

Yeah, I shouldn't interact with the public when I'm in pain after a long day at work.

No, I wasn't rude about it, but I probably didn't need to point out how and why she was wrong either.  Sadly, it's a huge pet peeve of mine when people don't bother to read the stuff they are trying to throw in my face to show me I'm wrong.  It's also a pet peeve when people think the internet knows everything and don't bother to check their sources.  A 2 second Google Search of "Washington state new rabies law 2012" brings up a number of articles and the law it's self clearing showing that it took effect this month.  And, frankly, seeing as it was a huge deal around here and it's something that directly effects my job, I think I might know a little about it...

Ugh, I'm getting snotty again.  Sorry.  Just a few of my major pet peeves come out when I'm feeling feisty because I'm hurty.

Pain meds and bed time it is.

This is why I sometimes don't feel fit to deal with the public and strangers, let alone strangers on a public forum... People already irritate me on a normal day, let alone when I'm tired and/or grumpy.  And my inability to hold my tongue under both circumstances are just setting me up to be a leper in the world of human interaction... I hope I wasn't mean.  I honestly tried to be nice about it... 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Snow... Sigh.

The rest of the nation can talk crap if they want, but WA state had to declare a state of emergency today due to 1000's of people still being without power and record inches of snow fall in the Seattle area.  And those without power, and those who are just now losing it, have no hopes of it being on any time soon.

Judge if you must, but keep in mind a few things while you laugh:

1.  We go years, yes, YEARS without ever seeing snow outside of the safety of our ski lifts.
2.  While most of the country has hills that average a 2% grade, we have hills that are more than a 20% grade in steepness.  Think about trying to get out of your house when you are surrounded by hills layered in ice and snow (even just a few inches of it) when you are facing a 20% or high grade hill.
3.  We don't own chains, snow tires, or even have enough snow plows to go around- Ok, that is is purely for the folks who live in Seattle proper.  I have chains, and my husband has snow tires and our county has plenty of plows.
4.  Given the record number of inches falling, over such a short period of time, even those of us who get snow every year and have a county and/or city that owns plows and isn't afraid to use them, they simply can't plow our roads fast enough.  Case in point: The road I live near is a road used by the sheriffs dept as a short cut to the freeway.  It's not plowed and hasn't been in days.  My town in based around a main highway, also not plowed.  They simply can't keep up.

Since Monday, we have officially hit over a foot of snow at our house.  That hit yesterday afternoon.  I woke up, after being told it was going to rain today, to 3 more inches of snow and a heavier snow fall than we had yesterday.  I'm stuck in my house and hating it!!

I tried to make it to work, but my car just couldn't navigate the hills.  I'm now determined to try tomorrow, even if it means I have to sleep there.  In all likelihood, even if I make it in, I won't be able to make it home.

I also live in what is called the convergence zone.  Basically, it means we get the worst weather of everyone.  So, if Seattle says they will get 3 inches of snow, we will get at least 6.  So, when Seattle got 4 yesterday, we got enough to push us over the 12 inch mark... I think we got close to 8.  That is not helping my situation in the least.  And neither is having three crazy dogs that love the snow, but I can't walk them far in it because I'm going to break something when they pull me over on the ice.  The hubs already had to stay home from work today to take me to the doctor because I messed up my back earlier this week, which I'm pretty sure was a result of them pulling me in a sledding like fashion down the walk way to potty.  I wasn't on a sled, just my shoes.  :(  So, they are also suffering a slight bit of cabin fever.

Laugh if you want, but the Pacific Northwest is just not designed for snow.  

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is your plan is not working—your plan to try to have a separate life from someone you’re married to. It doesn’t work. It’s not working for you.

Plugging away

So, yesterday the hubs and I ran errands.  Yes, we are still fighting about everything and anything we can think of in any given moment, but he is at least making a small effort to understand how much I have going on, and that he has to be willing to help sometimes.

It means that I got a bunch of stuff done, so that today I could do stupid stuff like make phone calls.  So, in this process I discovered a number of things:

1.  The people who did our garage estimate are probably never calling back.  It's been months.
2.  Metal garage cabinets are more expensive than my house is worth.  Ok, not really, but it feels pretty darn close!
3. Good customer service goes a long way.
4. I will not give you my business if I have to get up early to get an estimate and you don't bother to show up, and you don't bother to call about not showing up until 3.5 hours after our appointment.  I'd rather go with someone who calls.
5. Tile floors are expensive, but snap together tile floors come in fancy options and are not.  :)  I think I've found my new floors!
6. Gel tiles that are stick and place, that look like glass tiles, also not expensive.  I think I've found new accents for my kitchen and bathrooms!!!
7.  Home Depot hires the most incompetent people ever.  Case in point: I called and asked for a specific product that their website has.  It's radiant floor heating, but a specific brand.  The guy told me that Home Depot (the entire company) doesn't carry it, that they only carry "radiant floor heating" products.  Uhm.... Yeah, I know, I just asked you if you carried that product, but in a specific brand... Even after I told him what I was looking for again, and that the website has it, he insisted that Home Depot doesn't carry it and that they only carry "radiant floor heating."  I gave up and called Lowe's instead.  LOL!

We leave for Europe in a little more than a month and I'm plugging away at that too.  I had to buy some of the books I got from the library due to missing pages, but I think I've got the bulk of it figured out.

I'm just sorta plugging away at life right now and hoping for the best.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Am I really so foolish?

In August on 2011, I wrote this post.

Here I am 5 months later, feeling the same way.  Yet, I was foolish enough to let myself forget this post, this feeling.

Here I am, 5 months later, telling myself that this sadness, this loneliness, this heart break, is something new....

I guess I'm better at silencing that little voice inside me so well that even I forget it's there whispering in my ear, until I can no longer ignore it...

I guess being strong is what I'm good at.  But I think those of you who have been with me all this time, following my ups and downs this long, are seeing what it looks like when I can't bounce back.  This is what it looks like when I can't smile anymore and pretend it's all ok...

I'm a pretty sad, pathetic, and boring person when I can't pretend that my life is perfect anymore.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sometimes, I feel like a broken record.

I think I may have officially given up.

I don't have the energy to care about this many things at once, nor take care of them all without help, nor worry about your feelings, while mine sit uncared for.

I don't have the energy to hold it all together, to keep yours and my life running individually, let alone our collective one.

After working a 15.5 hour shift, I don't have it in me to explain why, after the shit hit the fan at work with every single one of my patients, my shoes have rubbed my feet raw and they are literally starting to go numb and I haven't eaten food in 9 hours, I'm frustrated that you haven't spoken to me yet.. even though I have spoken to you.

I can't keep hoping that some day I will have time to take a bath, when I don't even always have time to shower, because the precious hour that it takes to do either will set me so far behind in my list of things to accomplish THIS week, that next week I will start out so far behind that I will not even be able to schedule my much needed neurology appointment for my migraine that returned earlier this week (or last week, or the week before), let alone have time to attend it.

Never mine the sheer exhaustion of getting up at 4:30am and not going to be past midnight, so that I can then get up and take care of the dogs and everything else, only to go back to work.  I work 14 hour shifts.  I work two of them at night.  Those nights consist of no lunch and often staying late.  But don't worry, I'm sure I'll find time to sleep on one of those days off that I spend cleaning, taking care of the dogs, and appointments and everything else.  I'll just make the choice between sleep and a shower.  And thanks for telling me that I seem frumpy sometimes.  It helps me know that you appreciate that I can't always shower, unless I don't want to sleep.

I can't fathom what it must be like to have time to have a beer with friends when I'm at work on the weekends.  My "weekends" are spent with you at work and me scrambling to accomplish as much as I can with the daylight hours I have until everything closes.

I can't even imagine what it must feel like to wake up and feel "too tired" to vacuum the house.  But thanks for adding that 20 minutes onto my day off tomorrow.  I didn't have anything else to do with it.

I'm exhausted, I'm worn out, I'm tired.  And the broken record you have turned me into no longer plays.

My heart hurts.  My head hurts.  My feet hurt.  My hands hurt from all of the tasks they do.  My soul hurts from being let down so often, yet hanging onto such hope.  Sometimes, it is too much to ask to be strong.  Sometimes, I need someone to hold my life together, so that I don't have to anymore.

"You don't know how strong you can be, until it's the only choice you have."  Which is true, but sometimes you don't know how much it takes to break you, until you have the weight of the world on your shoulders with no one to help you hold it up.  And sometimes, you are too weary, and you just don't want to be strong anymore, but you have no one who can help shoulder your burden.  So, it's true, you don't know what you can handle, until you have no choice... But what happens in the end?  When all of you are posting that quote and putting it on FB and having the picture of the rock with those words etched over it on your blog, what happens when the strength runs out?

What happens when you are so tired, so exhausted, so beaten down, that you can't even care enough to be angry?  What happens when you are so broken, that you can't even manage to shed a tear? 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Anyone else find it sad that I shipped my mom a box filled with Christmas presents for her, my dad and my nephew the week after Christmas and she hasn't so much as emailed to tell me it arrived and to say thank you for the gifts?

Just wondering...

Monday, January 9, 2012

My forever

My dogs are forever, they are not for just right now.  They are not mine unless they are sick, or old, or irritating.  I did not get them to keep me busy until something better comes along.  I will care for them until I am no longer able, whether it's me or them that goes first in that scenario is no matter to me.

I love my dogs.

I do not have children.  My dogs are like my children.  When times are tough, when my heart hurts, when I need love, they are there.  They do not care if I'm rich or poor.  They do not care if we have a fancy house, or live in a car.  They do not care if they ever have another tasty, expensive treat.  They do not care if I feed them cheap food, or the best that money can buy.  They do not care if I'm grumpy, if I'm angry or if I'm laughing.  They love me no matter what.  They are always happy to see me.  They are always happy with what I can give them.

I will spare no expense, so long as I have the expenses to spare.  I will spare no amount of time, so long as I have time to give them.  I do not care what is wrong with them, I do not care what illness they may have.  I will do right by them.  If that means having to say good bye too soon, or having to forego something I was saving for to pay for treatment, I will do what is right for my dogs.

I will not send them off to be someone else's problem simply because I'm frustrated.  That is not an option.  Rehoming my dogs is NOT AN OPTION, until ALL OTHER OPTIONS have been exhausted.

Let me be clear.  When no one else was there, my dogs were.  When I was lonely and needed a friend, my dogs were that friend.  My dogs are not disposable.  They will not be someone else's problem.  For better or worse, they are my problem.

This is non-negotiable.  And given that it was me that trained them, even when I didn't want to, and me that cared for them, even when I was told I wouldn't be doing it alone, and me who loves them no matter what, it will be ME who makes decisions in regards to their life.  ME and no one else.

If you want a say in how your pets are cared for, then you have to care for your pets.  

Three adorable pups for sale

I have three adorable pups for sale.

In the interest of full disclosure, they are well trained, but crazy.  Oh, and they are peeing in my house.

Sigh.

I've come to the conclusion that they are now fighting over me.  The Little One figured out how to open the baby gate the leads upstairs.  Yesterday, I found that she had marked our bed...  Like, on the comforter.  :(  Ick!  Dominant pups tend to do that when they want everyone to know that their owners belong to them.

My male? Well, he was playing today and stopped in the middle of it to lift his leg on the couch.  Again.  Two inches from where I was sitting.  Double ICK!  He's killing me.

The Little One has always been a dominant little snot and our male is not that dominant, but is jealous as heck.  As is she.  Are you starting to see the problem?

It's hit a point where I've talked to, and am working on setting up a consultation with, a Veterinary Animal Behaviorist.  I don't know what else to do, just doing our dog training with our trainer is getting us nowhere.  For good measure, the pups are all going into the vet tomorrow too.  A little blood work and a U/A to rule out a UTI just to be safe, but this has been going on so long now that I'm not hopeful it will be that easy.

I really want to love them.  They are so cute and sweet!  Our big girl even let me trim her nails for the first time with no effort at all and only a few treats needed!  The Little One is a sweetheart, when she wants to be, and our male has a face that melts hearts where ever he goes... But I'm so irritated that I can hardly stand them right now!

Throw that in with the frustration factor with planning our Europe trip and I've taken a much needed sanity break to watch trashy TV.

I was trying to figure out how to use the public transit system in London, but couldn't figure out what the websites were talking about because they all assume you that you are local.  And to make things worse, I opened my handy travel book from the library to discover that that page has been torn out!!!!! In the famous words of Charlie Brown, "AARRRGGGG!!!" and "Good Grief!"  Dog pee and missing travel book pages is just a bit too much for one day.

So, trashy TV and a good book are it for me.  Now, if I just had a bloody mary, I'd be set.

Oh, and I was kidding about the dogs being for sale... I think.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.  ;)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So, this is 2012?

A few days into the New Year and I'm already feeling that this year isn't going to be all that much better than last.

Sigh.

We paid to have our carpets cleaned, stain treated, enzyme treated, and a stain resister put on and the dogs still insist on marking.  I still have these terrible migraines, and I'm still waiting for insurance approval on the treatment.  Things keep going crazy financially, so Europe is looking less and less perfect, and more and more like a trip on the fly with nothing but wandering the streets because we won't have any money.  My best friend is so heart broken over a breakup a few months ago, that she is no longer returning anyones calls.  :(  This includes me.  :(  I'm trying to not take it personally, I swear.  And I still feel like I don't have anyone to turn to.

Sorry to be a debbie downer, but I'm just feeling like all my hopes for a good year are being dashed.

My lovely bloggy friend Erika over at Chambanachik  had a blog the other day about being tired of wishing for more and realizing that wanting something badly, and working hard, isn't all it takes to make your dreams come true.  I'm with her on that one.

At this rate, I'm never going to get to go back to school and finish my degree.  I'm never going to be/feel close to a family that doesn't want me (more on that in a minute) no matter how hard I try, and I'm never going to feel like I have someone I can count on....

As far as the family thing goes, let me recount Christmas for you:

The husband told me he felt too sick to see my family in the AM.... I worked until 4am so didn't plan on going, but woke up early.  However, he was NOT too sick to hangout with his friend, nor to go out to dinner with him and have multiple beers, then come home and play video games all night.  I spent all Christmas day cleaning the house because my hubs didn't pick up a damn thing on Christmas Eve, even though I was at work.  And when I called my family, who were all together, many of whom had flown in from out of town last minute to be there, I had only spoken to two people when my uncle (who is not on my good side as it is for being a bit of a poop to me in regards to hubs military service) said, "Oh, it's nice to hear from you, hope you have a great Christmas, but it looks like Grandpa wants to say grace, so we'd better go."  And hung up.  Nice, right?  I haven't seen or talked to most of them since I graduated 18 months ago, but why waste time saying hi to me on Christmas.  Whatever.  The fact that the hubs played video games all night, effectively ignoring me, was just icing on the shit cake that was my holiday.  Sorry about the language.

So, just not feeling awesome about the new year, or the hopes of it being great... I guess only time will tell.  And I suppose being in a cruddy mood today isn't really helping me have a positive outlook on life in general...