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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Who Am I?

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Who Am I?

Maybe it's the codeine cough syrup that I have to mix with Benedryl talking, but being sick tends to make me depressed.  Having issues with my four year old computer not wanting to connect to the internet more than 5 minutes at at time and my fancy new(er) Tivo having not worked well since we purchased it, which just so happens to be the Tivo in our bedroom, doesn't help. Being stuck in bed, with limited distractions makes you mind wander.

The question that tends to always come up is "who am I?" I'm sure this is true for many people, but for some reason this is a question that feels like it plagues me.  I feel like it's always lurking in the recesses of my thoughts, threatening to surface at the most horrid moments. Like when I sick and can't get away from it.  Typically, when I am having an existential crisis, I would throw on my running shoes and quite literally run away.  Or I would clean or busy myself with some sort of project.  Pneumonia and bronchitis do not lend themselves to any of those activities and thus I have been unable to get away from this terrible question.

I often consider a number of roles when thinking of who I am:
I am a vet tech.
I am a military spouse.
I am a dog lover/mom.
I am crafty person.

But none of those are really who I am inside. Who am I inside? I don't really know.  I feel lost in my life.  I feel like I woke up one day married, with a house and dogs and I can't really remember how I got here. I never wanted to get married, I'm much more of a cat person and I am definitely not where I thought I would be at this age. Not that I've ever been much for life goals that were to be completed by a certain age, but I guess...

To be honest... Since I've told you all that I would start sharing my heart with you... I thought I would be happier by this age.

From the standpoint of many of our friends, I have the perfect life.  I have a handsome husband who wears sexy dress blues, I have dogs, a house, a good job that I am talented at and we don't have a ton of money troubles (more because I'm frugal than anything)... But is that really want it takes to be happy? No.

I feel like I've spent most of my life wandering, trying to find my place.  There are few people in this world that I have a good opinion of and even fewer that I actually consider friends.  To be honest, I have one person who I consider a really good friend, we see each other about once a week and the nice thing is we can just talk.  She knows me fairly well, but we don't always have to share intimate details of our lives.  But I rarely burden her.  I don't burden anyone really.  I do not enjoy feeling like I have dumped my problems on some unsuspecting person, so I generally talk to no one.  So, here I am, on my super secret, public forum expressing to a world made up of strangers and internet friends that I am lonely, lost and unsure of where I belong in this world.

I've always felt odd and out of place.  I don't generally try very hard to fit in per se, I tend to just be me, act nice and try to get along with people.  But I know that I don't really fit in anywhere, even though people generally seem to like me.  I also tend to find people dull, ignorant or irritating, so that doesn't help me want to be out with them anyway.  But then where do I go?

I dream of being something and someone different every day. Am I an artsy creative type? Am I a homemaker? Am I a dog trainer? A Vet Tech? A wife? Am I happy?

I believe happiness is a choice.  You choose to wake up and be satisfied with life, happy with who you are, or you choose to be miserable.  But lately, it's been harder for me to be satisfied and happy with life.  I've been waking up and looking at my life, anxious to do the things I want to, but unable to due to time, money or husband.

I guess we all feel lost sometimes, but lately, it's been harder to look in the mirror and know who I am. Do I lack identity, life goals, or something else? I don't know, but I do know that my "to do list," the Tough Mudder and my crafts are all things I have used to distract myself from the fact that I don't know where I am, where I am going, where I belong... And most of all, I just don't know who I am anymore.



Blogger Katie said...

I feel like we are very similar. I have been feeling like this for a long time. I think that we allow the things we DO to be the things that we ARE...I kno wthat I forget soemtimes who I am because of the things that I do.

October 10, 2012 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger SaraSherrell.com said...

I visited from walkabout Wednesday. My computer has been having the same issue. I had felt the same way, wondering what on earth I am here for, wandering around from job to job in positions that paid the bills but didn't necessarily fulfill me. After having my daughter I finally found my Passion and decided to pursue midwifery. Paying the bills means that getting my education has to wait. Hope you start feeling better soon.

October 11, 2012 at 10:55 AM  

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