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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Dear Grandpa, I am sorry.

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Dear Grandpa, I am sorry.

Dear Grandpa,

You were diagnosed with terminal cancer and they tried to be optimistic.  I was not.  Stomach cancer has no bright side.  It always ends the same.  And while the rest of my family may love to live in a world fill with denial, I do not.  I do not choose to live in a world where waiting for additional tests means that I can tell myself that you are not dying.

When Grandma got sick, no one wanted to accept the truth.  I remember having dinner at your house and hearing my aunts and uncles say that the doctors said she could have up to 5 months to live.  Though for her illness, that may have been true, anyone truly looking at the gaunt woman who could barely eat and was losing the ability to walk in the face of ALS, could tell that she would not.  I sighed when I told my husband (then my boyfriend) that I didn't think she would live to see the end of the month, let alone 5.  She died just three weeks later.

You have already beaten the odds grandpa.  You have already lived a month longer than the average person with your diagnosis.  Though you have lost your hair and you have lost the roundness in your cheeks, you have beaten the odds.  But Grandpa, I'm sorry, I have not visited you.  I have not seen your bald head, and have only witnessed the thinness in your cheeks via photograph.

I'm sorry Grandpa, but I am having a hard time.  You see, you have never spent a single moment trying to get to know me.  You have spent my entire adult life treating me like a child who doesn't understand the ways of the world, and maybe you are right.  Because I do not understand why the only time you speak to me when I am at your house, is to show me the gifts you have purchased for my cousins.  Gifts that are for no reason, other than that you thought they would like them.  An act that you have never once done for me.  I do not understand why, when my parents told me of your "bucket list" you said you wanted to visit my uncles ex-girlfriend and be present at her wedding this summer, you wanted to see Europe and you wanted to spend one last week on the coast, spending time with my aunt and uncle who live near by, so that you may see my cousins one last time, but I was not on your bucket list.

You have never seen my house, you have never met my dogs, you have never sent me a birthday card, or listened when I tried to tell you of my accomplishments, but my cousins made your bucket list.

I have not explained to my family why I have not visited.  Though they have assumed it is due to distance.  I have not explained that, while the rest of the family is gathering around your dinning room table to have family meals, I am not.  I have not explained the hurt I feel when my family, and you, knowing that I must ask for time off of work in advance, wait until the day of to invite me to family dinners.  I have not explained the pain of having received a picture via email from my mother, of your birthday dinner titled "all of the family together again," in which every one of my aunts and uncles and cousins were present, but I was not... And I was not, because I was not told of the event until the day of and was unable to get the night off of work as a result.

I'm sorry that I have not visited... And I'm sorry that you sent an email out to the "family" regarding your plans for the next few months, as your life is winding down, but I was not included in that email list. I'm sorry that my pain from a lifetime of being ignored has prevented me from seeing you during this time, but I fear it will only serve to further torture me.  And because you will die soon, I will never be able to get closure from being ignored in your dying days.

You see grandpa, while I have not gone to visit you, you have not bothered to include me in anything at all, during this time, your dying days, or any other time prior.  And while I have tried multiple times to get time off of work last minute, or trade shifts the day of, you have not even bothered to include me in your email updates.

I will always be sorry for our lack of relationship.  I will always look back and wish that we had had that special bond that exists between so many grand daughters and their grandfathers, but we didn't.  And it wasn't for my lack of trying.



Blogger Jen said...

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. :( Hugs my friend.

October 26, 2012 at 9:47 AM  
Blogger Allie said...

I'm sorry you are going through this and feel this way. Distance both physically and emotionally are hard things. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

October 26, 2012 at 9:56 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

:( I just cried...I'm so sorry You're dealing with this.

October 26, 2012 at 10:15 AM  
Blogger MrsMcDancer said...

What a tough time for you, to have this current sadness added onto a lifetime of feeling ignored. If only we could figure out why some family choose to act the way they do. Big hugs.

October 30, 2012 at 11:31 AM  

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