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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Grief

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Grief

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow for someone I truly loved.  It's a funny thing, death.  When someone you love dies, it feels like your heart stops, but the world doesn't.  I spend my time wondering how people can keep moving on in their lives, go to work, laugh and drink coffee when someone so special is no longer in the world.

I have suffered a number of losses of family members recently, and know that there are more losses to come as people I have known my whole life continue to age and grow ill.  These are people who I have never thought of as anything other than the people I knew as a child.  It's astonishing to realize that they are elderly now.

My mother failed to tell me my uncle was ill... He died the day after we arrived in Europe.  I never got to go to his memorial dinner with my family because they didn't tell me when it was.  I never got to say goodbye to a man who was so special to me.  A person who, in my youth was stoic and rarely spoke to anyone, but in his old age, became a joyous man who couldn't wait to talk to me about my wedding when I got engaged.   We spent hours discussing the most mundane things in life, like the best kind of cutting boards, and where to get the best food... But it was those talks that I love so much.  He never spoke down to me, I was his equal.  And he adored The Boy.  We often talked of trying to get together outside of family gatherings, but were never able to make it work.  And I never got to say goodbye to a person that meant so much to me.  And my family HATED that of everyone he could have chosen to be open with, it was me.  I don't know why he picked me, I don't know what about me and The Boy made him want to be interested in our life, but we were the only ones he really spoke to.  And that meant something to me.

My aunt, who's funeral is tomorrow, was also very special.  She was very ill and had been for quite some time.  But she was grumpy and stubborn.  She may have lived longer if she had been willing to do what was right for her health, but she wasn't.  Most of my family was frustrated with her.  She was in an assisted living home and my family was always going down there and dealing with her and trying to force her to "be good."  I never did that.  I didn't get to see her much because we live fairly far away.  It meant that the times I saw her, I was never exhausted from arguing with her.  I found her quirks endearing.

She would steal books from the free library area, and hide them in her room.  She would insist that they belonged to her, in spite of the clear stamp with the Home's name on the cover.  She would sneak candy when she was diabetic and piss off my mother when she did.  She refused to eat what she should and would fight anyone who tried to make her do anything she didn't want to.  I loved every bit of her. Right down the the kleptomania.  I always wondered why everyone pushed her so hard to be what they thought she should be.  Heck, she was aging, maybe not as old as some, but if she wants to not care about her health, that's her choice.  She was older, getting senile and just an old bitty.  Let her do what she wants.

When she died on the 4th of July it was a shock.  I was sure my mother was calling to tell me that my grandfather had died.  I was numb.  I was angry... And I was utterly heartbroken.  How does the world just keep spinning after that?

In just a few months I lost two of the only family members I really liked all that much.  And the world didn't care.  People kept showing up to work, I kept showing up to work, and soon it was like they were never here...

I have to go to work tonight.  I have to work and talk to people and hide my grief.  The grief I never truly got to feel.  And it feels so odd to me that I will be surrounded by people who don't care.  I will be surrounded by people who do not understand how special and wonderful and loved my aunt was, and how much my heart aches that I never got to say goodbye to her either. I never got to tell my aunt or my uncle how much I really did love and adore them.  And how can the world just keep moving on and spinning in orbit, when I feel as horribly heartbroken as I do?

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4 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

I know what you mean!! When my Mom died last year, I was angry and bitter that the world kept going and I was experiencing a pain that I didn't wish on my worst enemy. It has be a year and a half since she passed and I still have that pain but I'm trying to manage it better so it doesn't overtake my life.

September 21, 2012 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Allie said...

Im so sorry for your losses. Grief is an awful experience. A few months after we got married my husband's grandfather passed away. He was like my husband's father and it hit hard. He was the first family member of his I met and although I didn't have the years with him it was devastating to lose him. I wished I could have thanked him for making my husband the wonderful man he is and I know my husband is lost without him. Anytime we make a big decision he flounders and it breaks my heart. I know deep down Pop had to know these things, as I'm sure your aunt and uncle did. I know it isn't the same by far but you have that to hold on to. They chose to open up to you for a reason and that is quite a gift. I'll say an extra prayer for them and you tonight. If you ever want to vent or anything please feel free to email me.

September 21, 2012 at 10:01 AM  
Blogger chambanachik said...

I'm sorry. :(

September 22, 2012 at 7:54 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I am so sorry for your losses. I know there isn't a "right" thing to say but I am sorry and it sucks.
Xoxo

September 24, 2012 at 3:34 PM  

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