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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Parallel Paths

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Parallel Paths

Two days ago, my husband said he was sorry.  Not in his, "I'm sorry that you feel that way..."  way, but in genuine manner.

I am likely moving out soon.  Not because we are divorcing, but because I need to be in a place that is safe and calm and not stressful and he needs to have space to deal with his stuff.  I was so angry about it the other day.  Angry at him for everything.  Angry at him for not being able to support me and listen to me, but having to hear about how he was there for his friend the other day.  Angry that I have to yell to be heard, but that he uses that as his reason for not wanting to be around me.  How can you say that you don't want to spend time with me because all we do is fight, but you only listen to me if I yell?

So, we sat down and yelled it out.

Then he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry.  I can't be there for you.  I can't give you want you need, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry that you don't know what I need and I don't know what I need, so I just took all that you had to give.  You kept trying and you gave and you gave, and I just took it... And I never gave you anything in return.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry that you are broken and I'm sorry that I pushed you and wore you down until you broke.  I'm sorry."

We talked some more.  I was still upset.  Upset that he knows this, but that we can't fix it.  He brought up the deployment and the brokenness that we have endured since.  He got upset that I couldn't be there in the way he needed me to be when he came home, but he said he understands now that it was a burden I couldn't help him carry, let alone cope with.

I then did something I've never done before.  I yelled at him for breaking our bond.  I told him it was his fault. He called me and told me he wasn't coming home and that was that.  I cried that our relationship was based on our mutual need for each other and he broke that bond when he told me it didn't matter that I needed him.  I then screamed at him for leaving me, leaving me for his Marines.

I needed him HOME!!!!!!!  I needed him to tell me it was all going to be ok.  That we were in this together.  I needed to feel like all that had happened was worth it because we were together again... But it wasn't.  It wasn't ok, because we weren't together again.  And we haven't been together since he came home.  We are broken and I can't fix it.  I needed him and he left me.

And he did something he hasn't done in months.  He reached out, not angry or resentful, he reached out hugged me.  He told me he was sorry.  That he didn't know what he needed, but he was sorry he didn't consider what I needed.  He said he was sorry he left me and that I have been struggling to fix our life alone.

Things may not be perfect, but it's a start.

For two years he ignored me and wouldn't even try.  Two days ago, he heard me for the first time.  He didn't get angry that I was angry.  He heard me.  Two days ago he apologized for not being able to be present in our life.  He understands that in this journey we have been on, he has not been with me every step of the path.

Our path is winding and in some areas we can't see the next step, but for the first time in two years, it feels like we are on a similar path.  Maybe not the same one, but parallel ones that are bringing us to the same goal.

It might not be fair that I'm angry at him.  It might not be fair that I felt abandoned all these years, but it's not always fair that he didn't know what he needed but just kept taking from me and never gave anything in return anyway.  We are both carrying burdens on this journey that we will have to keep talking about to be able to let them go.  But at least it is finally feeling like we might, just MIGHT be doing that together.

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Blogger chambanachik said...

<3 I'm glad he heard you.

June 14, 2012 at 7:27 PM  
Blogger The Flight Crew said...

That sounds like progress to me and whether big or small a step forward is still good either way. Hang in there it's going to get better.

June 14, 2012 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger ____j said...

Baby steps are good. I hope that y'all are able to continue on the path together & that everything works itself out.

June 15, 2012 at 10:41 AM  

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