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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Passive Denial

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Passive Denial

I'm a very passive person.  I rarely get provoked enough to argue with someone, and I never really stand up to people who are being jerks.  Even if I can think of some really great responses.  When pushed far enough, I have an uncanny knack of zeroing in on your absolutely worst insecurity and hitting where it hurts and that is probably why I don't argue with people.  But I REALLY have to be provoked.

But, recently, I've had some things dug up from my past that has me feeling down in the dumps.  I tend to bury my hurt and my anger at people.  Yes, I'm aware that it's supposed to be better to confront people and let things go, but I don't. I go into a state of passive denial and move on.  It doesn't mean I like you, I forgive you, or that I'm not still angry.  It means that I do my best not to think of you, ever.

Sometimes it creeps up on me.  Sometimes I'm standing in my shower on an odd Tuesday, washing my hair, and I'm suddenly thinking of something that hurt or someone who wronged me.  So, today, I'm going to vent and release some irritation, forgive me if you are deeply offended.

During my deployment I befriended a wife who was previously active duty and this was her first reserve unit, and first reserve deployment.  She insisted to me, MANY TIMES, that we didn't know anything about deployments and that this was nothing.  There are so many things wrong with that attitude.

1. Everyone experiences everything differently.
2.  Not everyone has been through a deployment before
3.  NOT EVERYONE has been through a deployment where they lost people

The idea that she thought it was appropriate to belittle others feelings during this difficult time was outrageous to me.  She was constantly making me and everyone we knew feel like we shouldn't be stressed or worried.  When I don't hear from my husband for 10 days while he's fighting a war, I worry, and I have every right to worry.  The reality is, the only time you can be all that confident that your husband is alive is when you are physically speaking to him...  Now, I did not allow that to be my mentality.  I went about my day, trusting in his ability to be safe and his mens abilities to do their job.  But come one, telling everyone that our stress is not valid because of what you went through, 4 years before, in a different unit, is just rude.

She also told me multiple times that she doesn't belittle peoples feelings or invalidate them.  She isn't like that and thus would never do that... Right.  Because the above is definitely NOT invalidating others feelings about their situation, being insensitive or belittling others feelings.

It really has bothered me, all this time, how she treated people.

One of my friends got married just before they left and he wasn't able to get the paper work in to include her in the info tree, so his parents stayed on.  She tried to change this, but it's hard to do that during a deployment.  This girl told my friend that if her husband had wanted her to be in the loop, he would have put her on the list.  I'm not kidding, she said that to her. What a rude, horrible person.

I will never understand people like her.  People who think they know everything and that just because their life has been one way, means that everyone else doesn't know anything.

A deployment is a deployment.  It doesn't matter how long it lasts, who gets injured, or who comes home.  The act of living through one, state side, waiting to hear anything from anyone, wanting to know if everyone is ok, but having no means of finding out, knowing your loved one is in harms way, is stressful.  It's hard, it's painful.  And it's no one's place to tell you that you shouldn't be feeling what you are, or that you don't have a right to feel that way.  During a deployment, you have every right to be stressed, worry, to cry, to feel alone or sad.  Whatever you feel, good or bad, is informed by your life and your situation and no one has the right to tell you that you can't or shouldn't feel that way because of their life and their situation.

2 Comments:

Blogger Amanda Lynn said...

I am experiencing similar comments from people when I say that my husband is deployed. He's also a reserve unit, and this is his second time, but our first as a couple. He is slated to be gone 8-9 months and the most common thing I hear is "Oh that's not too bad... it's not like he's gone for a year".... cause 3 months makes a difference...? It's not like he gets to come home for 2 weeks 6 months into it...

The second thing I hear is "At least you get to Skype so it's not that bad." I actually don't get that with my husband... I know that a lot of wives do... but my husband is in a very remote place and doesn't have access to internet.

These things make me feel like what I'm going through "isn't that bad" and while yes, we are past the days of telegrams and a letter or two in a year... it still sucks! And it's still bad! And it's still DANGEROUS.

Also... we also married a few days before he left and we went to fill out all of the paperwork together. After he's already gone, they "denied" our marriage, and we had to reapply. We are a couple months into the deployment and I JUST NOW got put on as a dependent, I'm still not on his notification list, and I'm still waiting for the DEER (or whatever) info. When the guys are in a reserve unit, all the paperwork is handled differently and the admin that's used to handling active duty stuff... they don't know what to do with it so it gets put to the side or "denied."

It's the Marine Corps way... Love to hate it :)

April 21, 2012 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger MSnow said...

Same! Only the wife like that to me is the ESC president. The person I need to be in touch with for my husband's homecoming. No bueno! :(

snowballfights.blogspot.com

April 25, 2012 at 6:25 AM  

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