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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: My Fundamental, Fatal Flaw

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

My Fundamental, Fatal Flaw

We all have an FFF about us, don't we?

Here's what I have learned about myself and what mine is:

Ready for some cold hard truth?  I over do it.  I lack the ability to suffer through down time.  I am fundamentally unable to enjoy doing nothing.  That's the truth.  Sounds stupid, doesn't?  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, really... Well, it is.   I'm ashamed to admit how often people tell me to "relax," to "just do nothing."

So, for the last how many months now, I've planned a trip to Europe.  I've stressed to find a balance between working full time, continuing my obligations as a wife and housewife (a role I never gave up, in spite of going back to work full time), as a dog mother, all the while trying to plan a trip to Europe.  I sat on the plane to London and looked at my husband and said, "What on earth am I going to do with all of my free time now?"  Seriously, I said that.  For 6 months I've planned, detailed, and listed every move I would make, not just for 14 days in Europe, by day by day, week by week.  I do this, the list making thing, to make sure no detail is forgotten.  I'm thorough.  I have back up plans for my back up plans.  This is just good sense when you are juggling as many roles as I am.  Wife, animal saver, doggy mother, house keeper, accountant, maid, personal assistant, best friend... These (and sooooo many more) are the balls I have to keep in the air at any given time.  And everyone is quick to let me know when I have let them down, so I NEVER let anyone down.

So, we flew over the big ocean.  We laughed away 14 days.  We flew home.  I arrived stateside sick with a horrible sinus infection and a terrible cough, yet I woke up Sunday morning and powered through unpacking as much as possible while my husband slept in.  Then, I went to the doctor and slept for two days straight.  I powered through my first 14 hours shift back to work, while sick, and and now sitting on my couch and realizing my FFF.

Before Europe, I was just as busy.  Right now, I'm realizing, after 14 days away from home:  I don't watch TV, even though I have Tivo.  I'm already caught up on all of my shows and I've hardly watch any TV today.  I haven't done much of anything today because I'm on call tonight and I don't want to be too sick to go in should they need me...

But here's what I used to do pre Europe planning...
I extreme couponed, I took the dogs to dog training every Thursday, I cleaned the house every week, I paid bills, I did dishes, I cooked my work meals every week, I organized, I kept appointments for our whole life, I was there for my friends, I made plans for saving money and/or getting out of debt, I filed, I ran errands... I could keep going, but I would bore you.  Keep in mind that, aside from filing, I did this stuff every week.  Was there anything wrong with that?  No.  Was I doing too much?  Yes, because I did all of this while working 40+ hours a week.

This has been a horrible realization.  Is it ok to do nothing?  Absolutely.  Am I sitting on my couch struggling not to do more?  HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  UGH!

So, new plan for life:  It's ok to not do so much.  I'm going to start working out again.  I'm going to do my crafts, which combos down time doing fun stuff, but also save us money because I'm sewing some gifts and such.  I'm going to cook and clean, but be sure I have time to watch TV, read a good book, take a bubble bath, or do more crafts just because.  I can not let my FFF get the best of me.  I can not keep filling my life with a lack of down time and then feel overwhelmed when anything in my routine changes, like planning a vacation, because I'm already doing too much.

Do you think it defeats the purpose of my new life plan if I make a weekly schedule to allow for all of my stuff and my down time?  LOL!  See, it's going to be a hard change to make. :)

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