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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Is a divorce in my future?

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Is a divorce in my future?

So, everyone seemed very surprised I used the BIG D word...  I'm sorry, I forgot that I didn't mention this major life change to you all...

Here's what happened:

After the Christmas fiasco, I was heart broken.  For a year I have been telling my husband that I can't do this on my own.  I can't save our marriage on my own.  It takes two people to make it work.  I sat him down in November and laid it out for him.

I told him that he had to change.  That things had to improve.  I can't keep hanging onto hope that someday my husband will love me.  If I try hard enough, if I love hard enough, if I work hard enough, he will see it and want to love me back.  I informed him that I was done.  I was not going to scream to be heard, to fight to be appreciated, and to all around try so hard when he is not trying at all.  I told him that either things change, or someday, he is going to come home and find me and the dogs gone with no warning at all.  He should have considered that his warning.  I met with a lawyer that same month.  I laid out a plan to leave him.  I came home and told him that I had done so, but that I don't want to get divorced.  It boils down to the fact that I love him and want to make it work.

December came, as did the new year, and nothing changed.

I hit my wits end.  I hit the end of my ability to deal with constant disappointment, constant heart break, and constantly feeling like I don't matter.

I love my husband.  I love him more than I thought I could love anyone.  But I need to feel loved back.  He is my whole world.  I want to take care of him and make him happy, and all I ask in return is to feel that he loves me more than anything in the world.  Instead, I feel like he loves his friends, he loves his Xbox, Facebook, his laptop, the Marine Corps, the dogs, beer, Youtube, etc and somewhere, way down at the bottom of everything in his life, me.  He doesn't make me a priority.  He doesn't support me.  He puts everyone and everything else in his life before me.  He ignores me, he doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't respect my feelings, he doesn't even bother to care about them.  He doesn't respect my time.

He comes home and expects me to work 40+ hours a week, take care of the dogs, the house, the bills, the cleaning, the laundry, run errands, make phone calls, and generally make our life function, with no help.  He spends his days off having beers with his friends and playing video games, but has no issue thinking I should spend my days off taking care of our life and having no time for me.  He also tends to have issues with me spending money, though he gets spending money every week just because.  I try to talk to him, I want to spend time with him and he ignores me and blows me off.  If we plan a date night, he will come home and ask if he can go watch the fight with a friend instead, if I say no, he asks like a jerk all night.  I usually end up saying yes.  I'd rather be home alone and pissed, then home with him being a brat about it. This is how he is.  He doesn't seem to value me or our time together.

Our marriage is very imbalanced.  Our marriage is not a marriage.  It feels like he wants a maid and a personal assistant, not a wife.

Last month, I sat him down again.  The reason being this:  We have a friend who seems to encourage my husband to make poor choices.  The guy is very nice, but whenever my husband has been with him, he comes home, drunk, and borderline verbally abusive.  He treats me horribly.  I requested that he take a break from this friendship to allow us to have a more solid foundation.  Last month, he went over to this persons house to "get a key and instructions for watching the house while they were gone"  He was supposed to be gone for 5-10 min.  He disappeared for an hour.  He only came home because I text him to tell him that he needed to leave.  He couldn't even respect my wish, my temporary request.

So, I explained to him my plan for leaving him.  I told him how much I needed for my lawyer, I emailed a list of the things in the house I want, or that were mine prior to the marriage.  I explained how it would all work.  He told me he didn't want to get divorced.  I almost laughed.  He genuinely seemed shocked that I was telling him all of this.  How could he not have heard me?  For months, for almost a year, he had warning, he had me telling him this is exactly what would happen.  How was he surprised?

Anyway, I told him that if he meant it. if he really wants to save our marriage, he has until I have saved up the money for my lawyer to prove it.  I don't know how long that will take, but that is how long he has, so he is running on an indefinite amount of borrowed time.

I am still planning this.  But we are taking it day by day.  He knows that that I WILL leave him.  He knows that this is his last chance to try to make this work.  This is it.  Day by day is hard.  Some days it seems like we will be ok, other days, I wish I had the money for the lawyer right now. But we are trying to save it.  We are trying to salvage what is left of the pieces of our broken life.  This is why I haven't been around as much.  One thing we are doing it cutting down on time spent on our computers and internet.  I have created boundaries, we have created guidelines.  We are working on things.  I truly hope this works out.  I love him.  I don't want to divorce him, but, as I've said before, Love is not all you need.

I am truly, completely, heart broken.  How can you love someone so much, who said they would love you, only to spend 4 years of marriage feeling like you don't matter?  He is the family I CHOSE.  I chose to be with him.  I chose him to be the person I spend my life with.  And he is choosing to not honor his vows and not to honor me.  It's too much to ask for me to save our life on my own.  And I want to cry every day when I think that I might wake up one day and realize that he is never going to love me back...

So, that is where we are.  That is my day by day.  I don't know if we will get divorced.  I don't know if we can save our marriage.  All I know is that I want to try, but I can't try forever.  But, he seems to be trying this time.  He seems to have realized that the last year was not an idle threat and that he has to be present in our life to make it work.  He has to be in this too.  I want to know that it's us against the world and that he is going to hold my hand and wade through the mud with me.  He seems to be trying to do it.  We'll see where this year takes us.


Blogger Rosemary said...

I really hope things work out for you two. I am glad that he has finally realized whats going on, and started to step up to the plate. I highly recommend counseling. Its free through tricare, and they usually have offices on base. I made that ultimatum when we were at the point of break. It saved us.

February 14, 2012 at 9:11 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

I'm sorry things are so tough right now, and I sincerely hope things get better, one way or the other.

I do hope he'll make a serious effort and amend his ways, because his behaviour is definitely not okay.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, and not continuing to accept the same behaviour and broken promises time after time.

February 22, 2012 at 6:10 PM  

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