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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sometimes, I feel like a broken record.

I think I may have officially given up.

I don't have the energy to care about this many things at once, nor take care of them all without help, nor worry about your feelings, while mine sit uncared for.

I don't have the energy to hold it all together, to keep yours and my life running individually, let alone our collective one.

After working a 15.5 hour shift, I don't have it in me to explain why, after the shit hit the fan at work with every single one of my patients, my shoes have rubbed my feet raw and they are literally starting to go numb and I haven't eaten food in 9 hours, I'm frustrated that you haven't spoken to me yet.. even though I have spoken to you.

I can't keep hoping that some day I will have time to take a bath, when I don't even always have time to shower, because the precious hour that it takes to do either will set me so far behind in my list of things to accomplish THIS week, that next week I will start out so far behind that I will not even be able to schedule my much needed neurology appointment for my migraine that returned earlier this week (or last week, or the week before), let alone have time to attend it.

Never mine the sheer exhaustion of getting up at 4:30am and not going to be past midnight, so that I can then get up and take care of the dogs and everything else, only to go back to work.  I work 14 hour shifts.  I work two of them at night.  Those nights consist of no lunch and often staying late.  But don't worry, I'm sure I'll find time to sleep on one of those days off that I spend cleaning, taking care of the dogs, and appointments and everything else.  I'll just make the choice between sleep and a shower.  And thanks for telling me that I seem frumpy sometimes.  It helps me know that you appreciate that I can't always shower, unless I don't want to sleep.

I can't fathom what it must be like to have time to have a beer with friends when I'm at work on the weekends.  My "weekends" are spent with you at work and me scrambling to accomplish as much as I can with the daylight hours I have until everything closes.

I can't even imagine what it must feel like to wake up and feel "too tired" to vacuum the house.  But thanks for adding that 20 minutes onto my day off tomorrow.  I didn't have anything else to do with it.

I'm exhausted, I'm worn out, I'm tired.  And the broken record you have turned me into no longer plays.

My heart hurts.  My head hurts.  My feet hurt.  My hands hurt from all of the tasks they do.  My soul hurts from being let down so often, yet hanging onto such hope.  Sometimes, it is too much to ask to be strong.  Sometimes, I need someone to hold my life together, so that I don't have to anymore.

"You don't know how strong you can be, until it's the only choice you have."  Which is true, but sometimes you don't know how much it takes to break you, until you have the weight of the world on your shoulders with no one to help you hold it up.  And sometimes, you are too weary, and you just don't want to be strong anymore, but you have no one who can help shoulder your burden.  So, it's true, you don't know what you can handle, until you have no choice... But what happens in the end?  When all of you are posting that quote and putting it on FB and having the picture of the rock with those words etched over it on your blog, what happens when the strength runs out?

What happens when you are so tired, so exhausted, so beaten down, that you can't even care enough to be angry?  What happens when you are so broken, that you can't even manage to shed a tear? 

3 Comments:

Blogger Rosemary said...

It sounds like you are going through a very hard time in your life right now. I am sorry, especially that you feel so alone during it. I can only imagine how rough it is. Maybe since the communication is off with you and hubs, maybe just writing a simple note to him will help him understand your feelings along with needs. I really hope things turn for the better.
ps- i would choose to pamper myself with a bath. it usually makes everything better

January 12, 2012 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger Candice said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I know how it can feel to get no help. I tend to feel like I'm doing everything too. Sometimes I wish I could run away for a week so my husband realizes how much he DOES need me, and how much I do. You are appriciated by me girl, I know it doesn't mean much because you don't know me..but you are!

January 12, 2012 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger The Social Frog said...

Sending you an email and of course a HUGE hug!!

January 12, 2012 at 8:07 PM  

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