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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: August 2011

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Unhappy?

Why is it that things never seem to be able to all be good all at the same time?

At my last job, I liked it, but had health issues.  At my current job, I'm mostly healthy, but seem to not like it.

The hubs and I are cautiously optimistic that things are getting better with us.  We seem to be laughing more than we are fighting and it's been ages since we have had that.  Financially, we took a hit with him home sick for three weeks, but I've been getting a bit of OT, so that should even out and we are on track in that sense.  We are looking at the next step of our goals, buying property, and that seems to be on track.  It's not going to be for a few more years, but the research is going well.

My car troubles are quashed for now.  Turns out that leaving everything on your car, engine and all, original for 12 years and NOT doing any routine maintenance is a bad thing... Who knew?  :)

So, where is this little twinge of unhappiness coming from?  Work.

I'm a good tech.  I'm capable.  I do my job well.  I don't freeze when emergencies come through the door.  I don't shake and quiver when trying to get a catheter into a crashing animal.  I have decent logic when it comes to treatments.  But I am unhappy.  I don't seem to fit in at work.  I know my last post was about cliques, but this seems to be beyond that.

I'm unhappy because I feel like maybe I'm not meant to work with people.  Everyone is nice to me.  I've been told that I'm very personable more times that I can count.  I smile at everyone, I'm so polite it's not even funny (due to my upbringing).  I admit when I'm wrong, I ask stupid questions without shame and know that they are stupid.  I take ribbing well.  I dish out ribbing just as well, in good nature of course. But I just don't feel like people like me none the less.  How is it that someone who is told how personable they are all the time can always feel like they don't fit in.

I have hearing issues so I'm self conscious about being too loud, but often in retrospect.  I wonder if it's that.  I wonder if it's that I chat while I work.  I wonder if it's that they think my questions are too stupid. I really don't know.  But I can tell I don't really fit in.  Sometimes, you just know.

My assistant and the overnight tech seem to like me just fine.  It's not that I'm a leper.  It's just enough that I'm not happy.

I'm selfish for being upset about this.  My husband doesn't always like his civilian job, but he works it anyway.  He works it for me.  He works it to help us reach our goals in life.  He has plans to leave, but not right away.  It makes it hard for me to talk to him about this.  I haven't even mentioned it to him.  How can I?  How can I complain about not liking my job?  How can I tell him I'm unhappy when I haven't even been there for a month and he's been at his job for years.  It makes me feel like a selfish, bad person.  How can I stomach disliking my job so much and vocalizing that and even think about not working there, when my husband has been swallowing his dislike of his job for my benefit for so long?

I'm tired of feeling like an outsider.  I really am.  I don't have many friends.  Even fewer who I actually talk to regularly.  I have my husband, my dogs and TV and books.  I like it that way.  I have never felt like I fit in anywhere... ever.  My whole life I have felt like an outsider.  And working with people just reminds me that I will never be "part of the group."

No one is really mean to me at work.  For me, it just come down to being almost 30 years old and being able to count my "friends" on one hand.  It comes down to being almost 30 and wondering if I will ever belong anywhere.  My husband is an amazing man.  Who has tons of friends.  It's a big part of how we are different.  My whole life, I have smiled while with people, but secretly gone home and been happy to be away from them.  I don't like people.  My dark secret?  I don't like people, because I have never felt that they like me.  And, really, who wants to be around people who don't like them and don't include them?

I can cite a hundred examples over the years of how I have not been apart of the group.  I can tell you about people who I worked closely with for years who all still hang out, but not with me, just each other.  I can tell you about people who I spent all my time with, who all still hangout, but not with me, just each other.  I seem to be that person in every group who lifts right out without upsetting the dynamic.

I am thinking maybe my path in life is to find something I can do from home... But I can't even entertain that idea, because it would involve explaining to my husband my selfish desire to not work my job any more.  :(  

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cliques

You'll have to excuse the misspellings and poor gramar tonight. I'm blogging from my phone. At least it will give you all a chance to see how truly awful I am at spelling. :)

I'm hanging out at our friends house so that he can try to figure out what is wrong with my car. I figured this gives me a good chance to blog about something that has been bugging me.

Cliques.

I like most people or, at the very least, I can get along with most people.  But I seem to be having trouble feeling at home and a part of the group at work.  I had the same trouble at my last job. I liked everyone, but, in spite of working there for three months, I never felt apart of the group. I'm having the same trouble now.

I just don't feel like I belong. I don't feel like most people like me, well, more that people aren't interested in getting to know me. They all have their buddies and that is that. I get along with the people I work with the most, but everyone else seems to not want anything to do with me.

Maybe it will get better. I hope it does. It just sucks. At my last job, it never did. I can only then hope that this job won't be a horrible repeat.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Always get gas during the day

I'm pretty sure a guy just tried to abduct me at the gas station on my way home tonight after work.

I'll try to write the full story in the AM (well afternoon for you day walkers LOL!), but leave it to say that it was a very strange encounter that reeked of "get closer to my van so I can kidnap you at 3am from the Safeway gas station that has no attendant on at this hour."  And yes, the guy really was driving a van.  But not the stereotypical white one you see on TV.  It was a minivan that a soccer mom would drive.

Either way, I was cautious enough to keep my head and then call my husband ASAP.


The whole story is very weird.  

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A little of this, a little of that....

Recap of the last little bit of my life-

Started my new job as a lead tech on the swing shift at a new ER just north of Seattle.  It's nice because there is no traffic during my commute so it only takes 20 minutes to get there.  :)  VS the hour for my last job!

So far, I enjoy it.  But, there are always hiccups.  I work with some people who have very different ways of doing things.  Some I agree with, some I don't.  But over all, it's been wonderful.  Everyone is very nice.  The people on my shift are great and the docs have been awesome to work with.  A good change over all.

That said, I'm starting to wonder if I'm meant to deal with people.  Not owners, but actual human beings in general.  I'm finding that the solitude of being unemployed was much better at times than having to talk to people.  Sometimes I missed human interaction, but not really.  I forget that I used to be a bit of a hermit.  I'm sure I'll adjust, but my month of being home with no job is the first time in two years I have had that experience and... Well, honestly, it made me sad to have to leave it to go back to being around people all the time.  I joke, I say that I was bored and wanted to go back to work, but in truth (between you and I) the only motivation I had was financial.  I just want to get our debt finished being paid off.

On that note, we are almost there!  Should be consumer debt free by the end of the year and my student loans will be gone soon into 2012.  WHOOHOOO!  Due to that, we have begun the long journey of market research into buying a piece of property.  It's a dream we have always had.

On the other fronts of life- Puppy is finally getting older and less irritating.  LOL!  But we still have a ways to go.  We are planning a trip to visit my cousin in London for next year.  That will be for our fourth anniversary.  As some of you know, we got married on the leap year, so next year will be our FIRST anniversary.  HAHA!  So, we thought we'd do something special.

I saw a specialist and he said, among other issues, I have a 70% deviated septum.  WHAT THE HECK!!!!  I saw a doc in April who scoped my nose and did a CT scan and told me I have a "slightly" deviated septum.  I have to disagree that 70% is slight.  My new doc even showed me video of the scope of my nose.  He said that is likely what has been causing my "allergies" that I don't in fact have, all these years.  It's why I'm congested in the morning and why my nose runs all the time... And probably why I don't sleep well.  Not enough oxygen.  :)  So, he is recommending surgery for that.  Luckily, it's an easy one and I can do it on my rotation of 5 days off at work.  So, no big deal.  On the terrible ear pain and fluid buildup font- still got nothing.  But I'm seeing another doc, then meeting up with my current one in a month or two to review our options.  It's positively exhausting to see all of these docs.  It's terrible to not know what is wrong, it's even worse that my doc is only in the office on days I always have to work, and thus don't get to sleep on those days.  But I'm hopeful we are on the right path now.

I had my HS reunion on Friday.  I hadn't planned on going, but a friend insisted so that she could see me.  It was nice to see a handful of people, but really?  I graduated and walked away 10 years ago.  Everyone was happy to see me and wanted to know what I was up to and where I had disappeared to.  The truth is, I disappeared to avoid having to see most of those people.  I didn't really care for most of the people I went to HS with.  And, sadly, it doesn't look like many of them have changed for the better in 10 years.  It was nice to catch up with a few people, but I had made contact with most of them ages ago. So, I think I can feel safe in skipping the next reunion and not being sad about it in the least.  It's a horribly surreal experience to see all those people in the same room 10 years later, only to see that nothing has changed.

In other, more stressful news, I've been sick for a while.  I'm still working, but I've been nauseous for weeks!!!  Trust me, it's not what you think.  5 pregnancy tests in one week, two at home tests, two in house doc office tests, and one blood test, has myself, my husband, and my doctor pretty sure it's not baby news.  So, I'm on stomach meds for that for a bit.  They seem to help.

The hubs has been home sick for a nearly two weeks.  That has been tough.  I have never understood how strong men like him can be such babies about being sick.  When I'm sick, no matter how sick, I still have to clean the house, do dishes, pick up after myself, be sure his laundry is done for work etc, etc.  My only excuse would be surgery or hospitalization.  He did try to do some of those things, but generally only did them half way, still leaving his 24 hour a day, 13 day mess for me to pick up on my days off.  :)  Husbands!!!

On a sad note, my car is on the fritz again.  I don't know what is wrong with it, but it will be the second time in less than 6 months that I will have had to have it fixed.  :(  It's making me worried that it will be the end of my car soon.  I LOVE my car.  It's a 12 year old Ford, but it gets great gas mileage and I've had it for ages.  I got it 11 years ago!!!  It's got scrapes in the paint, a dented license plate, a horrible forgiving clutch and holes in the carpet, but I love it.  I don't want a new car.  I like my car.  I tried to find another of my car, but can't.   LOL!  I'm scared this will be the end of the longest relationship I've ever had!

So, that pretty much catches you up to my whirlwind couple of weeks.

Sorry I don't have any deep thoughts about life right now...

Friday, August 19, 2011

HS reunion....

I went to my 10 year reunion tonight.

It was surreal... That is really all I can say.

I'm happy I saw some of the people I did, but over all... I don't think I will be going to my 20th.  I'll try to write more when I have time, but I am exhausted.  Work has kept me so busy!!!  

Monday, August 1, 2011

Employed Again!

I'm too busy to write much, but I was offered a really good job and I accepted!!!

I'm starting this weekend!


YAY!!!