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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: June 2011

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Waiting...

I'm waiting patiently until I hear when the hubs will be home today.

This morning it was 8pm ish.  But you know how things can change in the course of a day.  Especially since, once, they were supposed to go first thing in the AM, but some dipshits (pardon my language) decided to go UA.  Didn't answers their phones and no one could find them.  When they were finally tracked down, they claimed they overslept and their phones were on silent and their alarms didn't go off... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  All this meant that the whole unit was punished.  Hubs didn't get home until almost 10pm.  No word or anything because they were all being held.  Everyone was pissed.

How much of a douche bag do you have to be to hold up a whole unit of guys who have been in the field for 14+ days, without showering, calling home and having clean laundry.  How selfish do you have to be to be that reason the rest of the guys don't get to run home to see their families... Especially since many of them live far away.

UGH!

Fingers crossed that is not what happens today and the husband really will be home this evening, at a decent time!  

Monday, June 27, 2011

Coupons anyone?

Hello everyone in the couponing world.  :)

I would like to start a little group and would like to know if anyone is interested in this idea.

I would like to start a coupon exchange group.  I have not worked out all the details on how exactly it will work.  The idea is that we can all exchange our unused/unwanted coupons with each other.  I am already doing this by mail with a fellow blogger and so far it has been great.  But we both still end up with unwanted coupons hitting the recycling bin.  My idea to remedy this is an exchange group.

Anyone interested can email me at deploymentwoes@gmail.com.  From there, I will compile a list of everyone interested and figure out exactly how to make this work.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Some people...

Do you ever realize how many people in your life are friends, how many are acquaintances and how many are just no one to you?

I have a few people that I actually thought were friends, but have discovered are not so much... One, a friend who flew across the country from her station on the East Coast, to here to see family and friends.  She told me we would meet up.  Our little group put no effort in including me in the plans, they didn't even tell me which weekend to ask for off or anything.  Then got "sad" when they asked me to hangout last minute and I had to work.  Then I tried to arrange a time to meet up with said person during the week.  She said she would have to check her schedule.  She then posted on FB about not having anything going during the week.  Offer to hang out with her, never heard back and she leaves Monday.

So much for being friends.

That is the danger of FB.  Granted, I have reconnected with a lot of people, but the reality is, even people you talk to all the time on FB are probably not your real friends.

On a little side note, I go in and out of being sad Sunday is my last day at my job.  Sometimes I think I will miss it, others, not so much.  It's mostly the people.  I get along with most of them, but some of them are just not people I care for.  If you want to talk about someone behind their back, that is your choice, but maybe you should wait until they are not near by... Or even there.  There are not a lot of these people at my job, but just enough of them.  GRRR.  I don't need that kinda crap in my life.

These are not bad people.  I just don't have thick skin.  And it's definitely not thick enough to deal with someone doing this right in front of me.

It is what it is and I only have two more days.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The truth of the matter

I have no friends.  It would be much easier to write that statement if it were because we had PCS'ed 100 times in the last few years or I was new in town... But I can't use the new in town excuse when I've lived in my town for over three years now.

The truth is, I get along with everyone.  I laugh easily, I joke easily, and I generally can get along with anyone I meet, even if I don't really like you...  But, when I need a friend, when life gets hard, when I want to cry, I don't want people to know.  I may coyly be honest and say I'm having a rough day or, as in the case of yesterday, "I feel like hiding from the world today."  But the truth is, I don't call people and tell them I'm hurting.  I hate when people see me cry.  I don't even cry when I'm alone.  I cry for a few seconds, wipe my tears and tell myself to get over it.  Sometimes, I feel like I can't cry anymore.  Sometimes, even when I really want, when I really need to, I can hardly squeeze out any tears.

I have no true friends because I love to be there for everyone I know, but I don't want them to see me when I'm weak, when I'm vulnerable, and when I'm hurt, scared, confused, unsure of myself, unsure of the world, or just plain can't take anymore of life.

I'm the strong, confident girl that everyone calls when they don't know what to do, because I have a level head on my shoulders and a great way of showing you all the angles.  I'm also the strong, confident girl, who feels lost when I can't see my husband's face to ask him a question.  I had never even been grocery shopping by myself until my husband deployed.  It's a cleverly constructed ruse that I show the world.  If they were to see what happens behind closed doors, the ruse would crumble.

When I'm hurting, lonely, scared, or sad I can never decided if I want to have someone there to comfort me, or if I want to be left alone.  I would hate to call someone over only to discover it's the latter, so I always choose the latter.  The truth of the matter is, I don't have friends, I don't have anyone to talk to, because I choose not to most of the time.  Call it trust issues, call it a history of feeling ignored anyway.  Call it what you will, but that is the truth.  And it sucks.  But it is what it is.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The wonders of a phone call

The hubs called from the field today, out of the blue.  Usually he isn't able to call at all.

Just having him on the phone for a full half hour and being able to tell him everything that is going on made all the difference.  Having him tell me he understands how frustrated I must be with the surgeon and how he thinks going to get a second opinion is the right thing to do was exactly what I needed to hear.  And before I could get more than a few sentences into my renewed frustration with The Big Kid, he knew just want to say.  :)  And he when he gets home, he will have a long weekend during which he said he would help me work with him.  Together.  Both of us.  He said he was also feeling like The Big Kid was bullying our little one and that he can believe that it's gotten worse lately.  He said he hopes a visit with our dog trainer next week will help, but that he wants to help me when he gets home so he can see exactly what I see when he is at work. And he wants to help me with his recall.  He will come till the cows come home unless he has his ball.  So, I can't play fetch with him if I want him to come back to me... That doesn't really work.

To make this all even better, I receive a phone number for a man who knows a lot about acid reflux.  He is a speech pathologist who sees a lot of it and has done a lot of research to understand it better.  He helped make me feel like I'm not crazy.  Just because my symptoms didn't show up on some special test the way they should doesn't mean they aren't there.  He said there are many factors that can cause them to not show up correctly.  Especially if you have the type of reflux that goes all the way up into you upper esophagus (or your throat/nasal passages in my case).  He said the tube goes down to the bottom near the stomach because that is where "heart burn" occurs.  But if you don't generally have "heart burn" but have reflux that goes all the way up, then it doesn't always register properly.  Made me feel a bit better.  It doesn't mean that someone new will say I need surgery, it just means that someone telling me I'm "normal" symptom wise isn't necessarily the case.  That made me feel better.  And he said the doc that heads the department that I'm going to at UW is the leading expert in all things reflux.  That also makes me feel better.

We'll see how it all works out.  But it's amazing how one phone call can turn your whole day around.  

My breaking point

It's official.  I've hit my breaking point for what I can handle.

I have a 9 month old puppy who can sit on command and walk on a leash, but has turned into a bully the last few weeks.  He spends his whole day picking on my little girl and I can't get him to stop.  I feel so bad for her.  It's my fault she is unhappy.  She does nothing buy hide under the couch because of it and even that doesn't stop him.  He will lay on his side and put his nose under the couch and bark at her and try to swat at her.  I have tried grabbing him and moving him, I've tried body blocking, nothing works.

He barks at everything.  When we are on walks, he is just fine.  But it's like he has decided that if we won't let him do it outside, then he will do it inside.  We finally got him trained to not bark outside, so he stands at the window and barks at everything.  Again, no matter what I try.  He is also marking in the house.  Not peeing, marking.  He never did before but when we started controlling him on walks, meaning he couldn't mark whenever he wanted to, he started doing it in the house a little bit.  Now, it's all day long.  I took him out this AM and we played fetch.  Really ran him down and let him pee and mark the park until he had nothing left.  He walked into the house and while I was taking me shoes off, he walked upstairs and marked the kitchen.  He's smart enough to not do it in front of me too.  I have never caught him, so I  can't correct the behavior.  I have resorted to him wearing his training collar with a leash attached in the house.  But he is wise to his training collar, so today, he waited until I went upstairs to swap laundry to mark the kitchen.  The same goes for our min pin.  He will be bullying her, but when I walk near him, he knows that I have told him to stop, and he knows his training collar is on, so he stops.  If I were to take the collar off, he wouldn't stop.

I just paid bills to realize that we will not be able to afford me having lost my job. We did save up for this.  We saved over $3000, plus our emergency fund that is always there.  But the hubs was on vacation from work, and is now in the field, so we only have my income.  I just got paid and was able to pay all of the bills except the house payment.  That means I had to take a substantial chunk out of the "laid off" fund to cover it.  If I have to do that every month, we will be out of savings in three months.  It means that I have to get my husband on board to really cut back, which I have tried before and never been successful.

I just really wish I had friends.  I wish I had people to talk to, to help me figure out what to do.  I wish I had someone to turn to when my husband is gone and I can't talk to him.

I don't know what to do financially, I don't know what to do with my dog.  I just can't get him under control.  I really wish I had friends.  

Monday, June 20, 2011

Second Opinions

I decided to meet with my primary care physician today to discuss our next step.

She agreed that seeing ANOTHER gastroenterologist probably won't do any good.  All he will say is what my surgeon said, "take your stomach meds and come back if you get worse."  I don't know what is much worse than what is going on right now.  Ear pain with periodic fluid build up, sinus pain, reflux, regurgitating my food, congestion in the AM, a soar throat.... Am I supposed to wait until my stomach acid has burned through my esophagus?

So, she said we should go for a second opinion.  I'm heading to the University of Washington Medical Center.  They have an esophageal and gastric surgery center, as well as a special lab for all the testing associated with that.  They have a whole group who specialize in my special brand of medical weirdness.  So, I have a consultation set up for July.  The woman also preemptively set up an appointment for another Upper Endoscopy study.  Mine was two years ago and I have new symptoms, so she said they might want to do another one and the appointments fill up fast.  It was nice of her to do that for me.   And the surgeon does the study, not a GI doc.  That will be nice because he will be able to see with his own eyes instead of reading it on a report.

I might call work and see if they might want/need me to stay on a bit longer or not.  They probably won't.  So, we'll see if I decided to call.  I go back and forth about it.

It's just really hard and stressful right now.  My hubs has been in the field for a bit now and isn't due back until July.  So, I'm having to deal with all of this, cope with it and come up with a plan about what to do, all by myself.  It always seems that this stuff happens when he's in the field, in another country on a blackout training mission, or deployed for that matter.  Such is military life, right?  It's days like today when I hate that he is still in.  But tomorrow I will be happy about it again.  Sigh.




On a totally unrelated note, our min pin is doing so much better!!! Her fur is filling back in on her legs and she is starting to look normal again.  She doesn't mind her meds either.  And, today is the two week mark since she was put back on OTC food.  So far, no reaction, so the dermatologist said we could try adding another protein source into her diet.

So, today, I went to the dog store and bought her favorite chewy.  Her and our doberman both have one and are happily chewing away, separate from each other, not barking, fighting or other wise getting on my nerves.  LOL!

It's the first time the house has been completely quiet since we brought The Big Kid home.  It's a strange sort of bliss.  :)  And I had forgotten how nice a quiet house is.  

I need a shoulder...

Met with my surgeon today.

He declined to do the surgery.  He said my test results weren't severe enough.  He said he thinks regurging everything you eat is normal.  "Everybody regurgitates." were his exact words.

My husband is in the field, my job has already let me go, my last day is Sunday and I have no shoulder to cry on.

So, I'm just sitting on my couch, crying on the inside.

I don't know what to do now.  I have no job, we will be broke, doc won't do the surgery, no one can tell me what's wrong with me.  Every doc I saw said surgery was the answer.

I give up.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Life So Far... LOL!

Well, tomorrow is the last day of my second to last week of work.

The hubs is in the field for a while and I'm going to kill my puppy!!! He is all worked up all the time because I'm at work for so much of the day (even with the dog walker coming).  He is very well trained, I get told that all the time, but he barks at the wind so often that I can hardly keep the windows open.  He is harassing The Little One just for the fun of it, he is marking the kitchen (all the time!  All of my dish towels are dirty and being washed every few days) no matter what I do.  He just destroyed another bed, so he now has to sleep in his kennel on the hard tray. I'm spending a fortune on crate pads and beds anymore!!!

Oh, and my results are in from my horrible testing.  I meet with my surgeon on Monday to find out how we are going to proceed.

I need a bubble bath, a good book, time to read it, and someone who wants to baby sit my puppy at their house for a few days.  HAHA!


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

MIA...

As you can tell, I haven't been around in a while...  I'm still logging on and checking out what you all are up to, but I'm not really commenting and I'm not really blogging.  It's likely this will continue for a little while longer.

Between the medical testing for my surgery, a headache going on three days, a 9 month old puppy who might just find himself living with another family (ok, so not really, but he is waring on my last nerve!!!), the abdominal pain (and I finally got the results of my ultrasound and they said it was normal, which means I'm still in pain and they don't know why) and gearing up for my last day at work in 11 days, I just don't have the energy to blog.

And, I'm tired of doing nothing but complaining, as I'm sure you guys are all tired of hearing it.

I'll come back strong and less bitchy about life in general soon... I hope.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

You decided for me.... Please?

So, I posted earlier that I have an official last day of work.  I'm sad, relieved, heartbroken, stressed and excited for the possibilities all at once.  I called the unemployment office and got the skinny on how all of that will work when the time comes.  Not such a bad way to start my day.

So, I decided to call my doc about my ultrasound.  A week later and I still have not heard anything.  Turns out, it was normal.  As in, they found nothing wrong.  Yet, I was in pain when I was seen, was in pain when I was examined and am still in pain now.  All this adds up to getting up early tomorrow AM to go get a tube shoved down my nose and into my stomach.  I get to wear it home for 24 hours, and then hit the doctors office again tomorrow evening to find out why I am still in pain.

On the bright side, the little one saw her dermatologist today and he feels we can start introducing over the counter foods again.  Thank goodness!!!! Her food is so expensive!!! It also means I no longer have to work so hard to make treats at home, or to find treats that have no meat proteins in them.  On the downside of her visit, she has developed vasculitis and is now on a med for that.  But a side effect of the med is hair growth, which is hilarious because her seborrhea has caused her to lose fur on her pinnas and her fur to thin on her legs.  So, she might actually start looking like a regular dog again.  :)

All of this crazy roller coaster day has me undecided if I'm stressed, upset or what?  Should I be relieved or scared to lose my job?  What should I be feeling?  I just don't know how I feel about all of it.  It feels like I go ages feeling stressed about the unknown and then get all of my answers at once, good and bad.  It's just so much to take in all at once.

I just don't know how I feel about it all.

The end is near...

I got the official email yesterday that my last "regularly scheduled" day of work will be June 26th.  I'm clarifying that this means that I am officially laid off as of that day so that I can claim unemployment until my surgery.

The whole situation sucks.  I love my job.  I wish I could keep it.

To make it an ever better day, I had agreed to take a late swing shift to cover for a co-worker who had a family emergency.  It means that I was scheduled to work until 2am, when I usually get up for work at 5:30am.  Two hours after my shift started, we had a dog arrest and did CPR for 5 minutes to bring her back, then I got to spend an hour doing supportive care with a handful of other people while the owners decided what to do.  She became a DNR after we talked to them again, mostly due to the fact that she just kept trying to die.  They finally agreed to euthanize her.  It was very sad.  And very stressful.

I got very little sleep once I got home because I naturally wake up at 5:30 am every day.  I went back to sleep only to be awakened by a weed whacker every hour or so until I gave up on sleeping.

Tomorrow morning I start my 24 hour nasogastric tube, that will do all the testing for my surgery.  :( Not really looking forward to that.

Sigh.  I'm really going to miss my job, but I guess I'm also a bit anxious to just have it over already.  And I guess it's nice to finally have a date.  It was tough to go to work everyday wondering when I was going to be laid off.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I'm open for suggestions!

After a long week at work and a nice day relaxing at home, I've come to the decision to improve my "To Read" list.

This is a list of books that I want to read, or have been suggested that I read, that I keep on my computer.

It's pretty long already, but most of the books are not available as an ebook at my library.  So, I'm looking for more suggestions.  I'm not particular about genre.  I'm of the opinion that a good book is a good book, and I like to keep an open mind.  I also like to broaden my tastes whenever possible.  I think it makes me a more well rounded person.  :)

So, if any of you are reading something that you just love, have a favorite book of all time, have a series that you have just started and are enjoying, or one that you just can't stop rereading, please let me know!!!

I would love to know what you love to read!  It can be funny, or sad, historical, fiction, non-fiction, whatever!


Saturday, June 4, 2011

venting about dumb stuff

Ok, so today is the first time I've had time to blog, and felt like blogging at the same time in weeks, hence three posts.  :)


So, here's a little vent- Do you know someone who is dumb?  I'm talking, legitimately not smart about stuff.  


I have a friend who I met a few years ago at a party.  She fits this bill.  She is nice.  She is friendly, but she tends to not seem to catch the notion that I'm putting out there.  


Example:  I posted this on FB today, "I'm going to post this one more time-- I'm looking for anyone who still gets the Sunday paper and would be willing to give me their unwanted coupons (I'll even provide the stamps if you are too far away to meet with me). This goes for my friends on the other side of the state too! The coupons are different over there. :)"


This was her reply:"I actually get the Sunday paper only, by Googling it I was able to find a trial period of the paper for a pretty good price."


This may be a lame example, but it's like this all the time.  I didn't ask where to get a Sunday paper, or how much people pay.  I didn't ask anything about actually buying the paper.  I asked if anyone was willing to mail me their coupons.  Was I not clear?


As much as I really like this girl, it's super hard for me to spend time with her because this is what our conversations are like regardless of what I'm saying.  It's very frustrating.  I want to be friends with her, she's so nice and thoughtful, but it's very hard to talk to someone who always seems to think you are saying the opposite of what you are actually saying.


Am I alone in this feeling?



I forgot...

I forgot to say I'm sorry to everyone who has been so wonderful and commented on my posts in the last few weeks.

I usually like to personally respond to each of the comments I receive, but just haven't had the energy to lately.

I really do appreciate everyone commenting.  Especially on the post I did about how lonely I feel having to be strong all the time.  It was so wonderful to hear how many of you have felt the same way! (wonderful that I'm not alone, not wonderful that you y'all feel sad sometimes too.)  It's nice to know you are not alone in your feelings.

You have all been so supportive of the hard luck months I've had lately.  It does help give me hope that things will improve in time.  And it's nice to know that I can always come here, to my blog, for support and understanding when the rest of the world fails to listen.

Thank you to all of you who read and to all of you who comment.  

Sigh and then some

So, you may have all notices that I have been MIA for a while now...

The reason is because I haven't felt like blogging, let alone blogging about crappy stuff.  I feel like I have spent months complaining about life.  But, the time has come.

Wend I had an ultrasound done.  It is completely unrelated to my surgery.  A few weeks ago (almost a month ago now) I started having horrible abdominal pain.  I explained it away by saying that my Depo shot was due soon.  Well, the shot day came and went and my pain continued... and continued, and got worse.  I stared getting dizzy at work.  I decided it was time to see a doctor.  The doc suspected a kidney infection, as did I, but my U/A came up normal.  They did a culture just to be safe, which also came back negative.  He did an abdominal palpation.  When he touched my lower abdomen I nearly jumped off the table.  He then asked to do a pelvic exam.  During the exam I also nearly shot off the table in pain.  He told me that one of my ovaries is slightly enlarged.  He suspects an ovarian cyst, so I went to get an ultrasound this week.  The results are still pending.

The sucky part is that I don't menstruate, so it makes it unlikely it will go away on it's own.  We'll see.  For the time being, I'm on pain meds and feeling like crap.

I had to stop taking all of my stomach meds a few days ago to prep for my testing this coming Thursday, which will determine if I can have surgery or not.  So, I feel ever worse with that.  It just hasn't been a good few weeks all around.

I guess it really hasn't been a good few months, has it?

To top it off, my puppy is driving me nuts!  He has decided to start marking our Min Pin's pee pad.  We are trying to train him to not mark when we walk him, so his solution is to mark in the house.  He's a good dog, he's just driving me nuts!!

And, The Little One is sick again!  She started having enlarged lymph nodes off and on.  I ignored it, but finally decided to go into the vet.  She got a fine needle aspirate of them and the results came back as hyperplasia, which is just a fancy way of saying that the nodes are hyper active so they have lots of tissue and such.  The problem is that the samples weren't very good and the really large node she needed sampled wasn't.  So, now I have to pay to do it again.  :(  It's not that cheap.  :(  So, we will see what comes of that.  It's just a bit more money that we have to spare, but I also need to be sure she doesn't have lymphoma.  So, it's money we need to spend.

It's just a lot going on all at once.