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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: April 2011

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, April 29, 2011

The perfect marriage

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be married to a man who loves you more than he loves himself? Who puts your needs and wants before his own? Who communicates with you?

What is it like to be married to someone who listens when you talk, who doesn't walk away when you are in midsentence? What is it like to have a husband who doesn't make you repeat yourself 500 times because he refuses to stop what he is doing to pay attention.

What is it like to love someone so much that you can't imagine life without them, and have them love you that much too?  What is it like to tell someone you love them deeply and have them say it back?

What is it like to be scared, and lonely, and sad, and have the man you married notice and care and want to fix it?

What is it like to be facing a terrifying surgery and have a husband who is more concerned about how you are taking it, than how he is...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Surgical consultation is Wend....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

So much more than I can handle...

Got back from the allergist earlier today.

I had a skin test done, in which I tested negative for every allergen.  The list?  Cat, cockroach, dog, 2 types of dust mite, feather mix (various birds) mouse, the 7 most common trees, 2 grasses, 9 types of weeds, 16 types of mold, corn, egg, milk, peanut, soybean, and wheat.  Nothing.  Zilch.  I have no allergies.

The conclusion after seeing three specialists?  My acid reflux is to blame.  The sinus pain, ear pain and fluid, my "asthma", my recurrent bronchitis, my "allergies"?  All a result of my severe acid reflux.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with acid reflux after finding out that acid reflux and regurgitation is not, in fact, normal.  I had no idea.  I've had it my whole life.  I had an endoscopy done during which they found two things.  1.  I have a hiatal hernia.  This means that a portion of my stomach sticks up through my diaphragm.  2.  My esophageal sphincter, the one that connects the esophagus to the stomach, doesn't close.  These two things would be the combination that has created a wicked issue with reflux.

Today, I was informed that it is also the cause of almost every major health issue I have had in the last 10 years and I now have to have surgery.  As in, ASAP.  :(

I might lose my job.  I had to call them and tell them that I will need a minimum of a month off of work for it, but will likely need 2-3 months off.  Not likely they are going to keep me in that case.  And even if they do, I will have to be off of work all that time unpaid.

I will be confined to the upstairs of my house because that is where the bathroom is and I won't be able to go up and down stairs for a few weeks.  My husband won't be able to take any time off work to care for me because we will need him at work as much as possible to cover the medical bills, the dietary restrictions, and my loss of income.  So, we are going to have to figure out how to have the dogs taken care of and get me some kind of help, give that the bed and bathrooms are up stairs, but the food is downstairs.

With everything else going on in my life, I just cried the whole drive home from the doctors office.  I'm currently waiting to hear from the surgeons office about when I can be seen for a consult and then I will need to schedule my surgery.

The phrase, "God never gives you more than you can handle," is sounding like a whole of of BS right now.  

:(

Do you ever have periods in your life where it just feels like nothing is in your control? And all of the stuff out of your control is stuff you really wish you could make better?
Maybe it's this terrible prolonged winter we're having, I don't know. I'm just starting to get so down and out about life in general.
I spend so much of my life having to smile and tell people how wonderful everything is.  No one really wants to hear your troubles when they ask how you are doing. Life is great, the dogs are great, marriage is wonderful, I feel awesome.
The reality? I think the big kid had a seizure the other day. The little one's back is hurt, her skin is getting worse, I still feel terrible, my marriage has become one of indifference with me being too exhausted to even bother to try to get my husband to listen to me and care about what I have to say anymore.  Just got back from the neurologist visit during which she showed me an xray of my neck to show me that it is perfectly straight, instead of the vertebe curving like they should. I am waiting to see the allegist later today, and work is good but I'm still feeling frustrated with it.
:(

Sunday, April 24, 2011

TOO MUCH!

Worked all week.  Went out with friends last night until late.  Went to bed at 1am, got a call at 5:50am asking me to come into work because they were slammed and had two people call in sick.  Worked from 7am to 3:40pm, on my day off, Easter Sunday.  Missed Easter dinner with my family.  I also have to work tomorrow because I agreed to cover half a shift for someone last week.  So, now I only have one day off this week that is full of doctors appointments.

The Big Kid had a possible seizure the other night.  Nothing wonky in the blood work and he hasn't had anything wrong since, but we are watching him closely now.  And pups is back on cage rest for the next two weeks because her back is hurting again.

Husband and I are still not jiving well and I'm still not feeling well.  :(


Fingers crossed the allergist has some answers.  And that things finally start looking up soon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Frustrated

I think I'm hitting my max of things that can frustrate me all at once.

The fluid is back in my ears.  I got an allergy shot that is still not working.  So, I went back into the dr yesterday to be told that the fluid was gone and that I should start feeling better.  Today, I feel 100 times worse than yesterday.  No way the fluid is gone.

So, I work all day with this pain, all the while wishing I could go home and rest.  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!!

I went to lunch at 12:15pm because my doc said we should eat just incase we pick up some case in the afternoon.  Great, except that is the last time I saw her today.  She just disappeared.  Meaning I had nothing to do and wasn't sure what to do all day.  At 2pm, we accepted she probably wasn't coming back, and were told that we (my assistant and I) could probably just go home.  The catch?  We have to work 36 hours a week to keep our benefits, so if we go home 4 hours early today, we can't go home even a minute early the rest of the week.  :( I kept busy as best I could until 2:40, but accepted that I didn't have anything to do without my doc there.  Thought I was happy to go home in one respect, I was also a little irritated that my doc left and didn't tell us and I thus missed out of 3.5 hours of work.  GRRR!

And today was my first day as her official tech.  Not a good way to start our relationship.

Then I got home and paid bills etc the best I could only to realized that I had now let too much time pass and can't call my doc because the office is now closed.  I had hoped I wouldn't keep getting worse once I got home.  So, I had to call the on call dr, who's only advice was to see the allergist who can't get me in until next week.  I asked if I could double up on my allergy meds and he said it wouldn't hurt, but that he wasn't confident it would help either.

To add to that, the hubs and I are back in limbo. I feel like we talk all the time, but that he never listens, nor hears me.  I feel like I keep trying to talk to him and he is only pretending to care.

UGH!  Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I will not jinx myself!

I say that, but really, we all know the truth!  LOL! Every time I open my mouth about how good things are going, something outrageous happens.

That said, I'm throwing caution to the wind!

Last night, I crawled in bed around 9:30pm out of sheer exhaustion and feeling crappy.  I was asleep by 10:15 and slept the whole night through! I didn't get out of bed until after 8am because the pups needed to be walked.  Though I still feel tired and sick, it's positively amazing what a good nights rest can do for your outlook on life.  :)

Being back to work, I LOVE my job!  And I'm excited to have a paycheck coming in!  I'm also so thrilled that the doc did not say I needed to take more time off of work with the fluid in my ears back in full swing.  She seemed confident that the allergy shot would work and that I would not need to do anything more than that.  Just knowing that my paycheck is coming in a few days make my stress level drop dramatically!  Phew!

Then, today, we visited our accountant today.  So, she really is an accountant with a business, but she is also a good friend and mother to one of my bridesmaids and soon to be MIL to a great guy who served with my husband in his first tour.  :)  I adore her and she always works with us the best she can.  And this year was no exception!  We expected to owe money this year.  I don't know why to tell you the truth.  But, we had cashed out my pension last year from a previous job and our money is due to the IRS for the first time home buyers credit... It all adds up.  So, when she sat us down and said, "the good news is that you don't own money..."  Our hearts sank a little.  Then she said we were getting a refund and we felt slightly optimistic, then she said what that refund was and our jaws dropped!!!  It's more than what we got last year with the home buyers credit!!!  And it's legit!

We are going to be able to put more money in savings, pay for our birthday party, pay off a credit card and still have money let over to get some much needed work (though not horribly important work or we would have done it sooner) to our cars!  :)  JOY!!

The hubs and I still struggle most of the week.  He really hurt my feelings the other day and I mentioned it three consecutive days before he really listened to me.  By then, I couldn't even fully remember the primary offense!  I was so upset about being ignored for three days!  But we are not fighting really, so that is an vast improvement.  And he is helping me more.  He did the dishes the other day.  :)  And when I pointed out to him (nicely) that there are certain dishes that need more attention when being washed by hand because they tend to be harder to get clean, he was very nice and understanding and said he would look for the next time.  VS the usually, "well I can't do anything right, so I'm never going to help you again!" response I usually get.

Now, I just need to get out of the house more.  And find a new dog walker.  And sleep a little more.  :)  We'll see if those things happen.  HAHA!


Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm a promise breaker :(

I know I said I would post all about the new job and life and painting etc....

But guess what?  I have fluid in my ears again!!!  It's only been three weeks since it went away!  Doc says, probably because I insisted, that it's likely allergies given this new development.  So, because it's clear that my allergy meds are no longer working, she gave me an allergy shot and said she hopes this works.  If not, then we try a higher dose.  If not, then it's off to the allergist I go.  :(

All this means that I feel like poo again.  I have been working in spite of my ears hurting because I need/have to.  We've been crazy busy.  So far I really like it, but I'm nervous.  Next week I start with my doc and I don't feel like I know anything!!!  Internal medicine is so specific and such a narrow field and I don't know anything about it.  :(  I know I will learn, but it makes me feel sorta crumby.  But my doc is super nice and I think she will be willing to teach me.  I worked late everyday last week and no one gets mad about over time.  I have learned so much working in the ER, and everyone is super nice!  They are so eager to teach me stuff to make me more valuable!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new job!

The dogs are good, getting along better, sadly, our dog walker of two years is closing down shop.  Normally, it wouldn't be a huge deal, but The Little One is a bit antisocial and doesn't warm up to people very quickly.  This means breaking in a whole new person, hoping that she likes them, hoping that The Big Kid adjust to having them in the house when we are not home and hoping that said person will put up with how bratty our min pin is.  I have interviewed a few people that seem promising, so we will see.

The house looks great.  The pictures are  finally on the computer and I will post them in the next few days.  I will also post some pictures of the dogs.  My friend is a photographer on the side and she took some fabulous pictures of the two of them and I just can't wait to share them!

Life is just a bit on hold right now while I adjust to my new job.  Longer hours, longer commute, way more time spent on my feet, way more to know and learn and the sheer exhaustion that comes with generally feeling overwhelmed all day has just worn me out!  And the ear thing is NOT helping.

Sorry to break my promise that I will be better and post all this crazy stuff.  :(  Hopefully, after a little rest I will be back in the swing of life.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Tired

I'm working 4 10's, but haven't gotten off on time once this week.  I'm exhausted and we have been so busy that I'm hardly trained on the extra parts of my job.

So far I'm loving it, but I'm just so tired.  Usually don't get to eat until 8 hours in to my shift and really wish I had time to have a snack some time before that.

I'm learning lots of new stuff, seeing some interesting cases and have already lost a few patients.  It's crazy!

I"m overwhelmed and feel so stupid most of the time.  This is so different than anything I have ever done before!  I'm looking forward to my six day weekend when I switch schedules (yet again) next week.  Last week was swings, this week is days at the beginning of the week, next is days at the end.

Hope to have more time to go into details of what I do now later in the week.  Sorry I haven't been commenting on any of your wonderful blogs.  :(  I'm just so tired!

Sigh

Friday, April 8, 2011

Clarification...

I have received a number of emails about my last post.  You are all so wonderful for trying to help and giving me resources...

However, we are Reservist.  We do not qualify for NMCRS or any thing like that.  We have nothing available to us to help us in the event that my husband has to continue to take time off of work for his military duty but is not being paid by the military to compensate us for that.  There is nothing we can do about not being able to afford civilian prices for things etc.

Because we are reserve status, the assumption is made that our civilian lives/jobs will cover whatever the military fails to provide.  :(  Sadly, that is often not the case because my husband and I rely on our military benefits to see us through.

Again, when the military service men and women get the shaft, the reservist are left to fend for ourselves.  :(  This happened when my husband fulfilled his AD orders but the military still owed us tons of back pay. We couldn't get anyone to help us pay our bills, buy groceries or anything because the hubs was technically back on reserve status, regardless of the fact that we were owed the money from the deployment, during which he was active.

This whole situation stinks for a whole lot of people, military, civilian contractor and government employee alike...

But I would like to say THANK YOU!!!! to everyone for trying to help my husband and I!  It was so kind of all of you for trying to give us resources in the event that this causes massive problems for us.  I wish all of you who are affected by this the best of luck and hope that this all works out for the best.

Of course, I'm talking about the big shut down

So, I will post about the new job and all of that later...

I haven't spent much time reading about the government shut down, due to the fact that there just isn't much I can do about it and all it ends up doing is making me pissed off even more.

However, today, I learned more about it.  I have a number of family members and friends who have government jobs in some way or another and, of course, we are military.  I know we can go a while without getting paid.  We were not paid 4 or more times during our deployment and made due the best we could.  However, some of the things I didn't really appreciate until today include the IRS not getting us our refund in time because they are not at work.  Oh, and the services on base being cut as well.

So, now, I'm sitting at home with a stack of bills to pay wondering, "should I pay these bills early, like I usually do, or not, in the event that the things we rely on base to provide us for cheap and tax free are not there for a while?"  Like groceries.  Will the commissary still be open?  Will the PX?  Will we be able to go to NEX for the things we need?

The truly crappy thing about being reserve is that we have no one to ask.  Everyone keeps saying, "call your FRG for more info."  We don't have one.  Our FRG is only in effect when the boys activate.  So, who do we call for more answers and help with our situation?  This is one of the reasons I really wish we were active duty.  We reservists tend to get forgotten in the mix and left out in the wind to fend for our selves.  :(

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Oh, Life, you never cease to surprise me!

So, I painted the living room... It's done, and I will be putting everything back later today and taking pictures to post!

We finally got paid.  I paid the bills, and my parents, and guess what!?  Had enough money left over to buy those (stupid freaking) tires!  And part of the reason is because someone loves me and put the tires we need on sale this weekend.  :)  I love it when that happens.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it makes me very happy.

I talked with the hubby again.  And again.  And again.  So, like 5th or 6th times the charm, but he finally stopped and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't think about it."  No, you didn't, but at least now you are realizing that. So, he promised to get me a gerbil when we have the money... which won't be for a while because we have to save back up our emergency fund and pay down some of our credit card.  But it also won't be too long because my work emailed me this week, after telling me I was getting the refund to tell me that they are going to put it back on our card!  So, I don't even have to wait for a check!  WHOOHOO!  So, I get the money tomorrow!  Which happens to be my first day of work!  Which is making me excited and anxious all in one! But we'll get to that in a second.

The husbands says he understands that he has to stop putting all the responsibility on me.  He said he forgets how much I do because I just always do it, so he doesn't have to think about it.  So, he will walk the dogs at his scheduled times no matter what.  He will help when I ask and listen when I talk.  No more thinking, "EH, I don't have time/energy/desire to do this, so Erin can take care of it."  We'll see, but it should get a little better.  We all know habits and things like that don't change over night, but it's a step in the right direction.

As far as work goes, I'm excited!  But scared!  And I'm not sure which emotion is more prevalent.  So, I've been channelling those feelings into cleaning the house.  Which is always what I do when I'm stressed.  So, painting and organizing and getting rid of stuff etc.  I feel so productive!  And it makes me so tired that I don't have a chance to be up all night worried!  LOL!

So, I'm starting my new job with no money in our savings account and a maxed out credit card, but a sizable refund coming to me and the hopes of a better job.  And, a much, much prettier house.