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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Should I stay or should I go?

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Should I stay or should I go?

There is something going in our lives that I have not shared.  Well, two very BIG, life altering things.

The first sort of informs the second, or the other way around, depending on how you look at it.

A very good friend of ours, another Marine in my husbands unit, who's known him longer than I have, who was part of our sword detail at our wedding--- During which he infamously referred to me by my maid of honors name during a congrats speech at our rehearsal dinner--- decided to check out of the unit.  We found out via FB.  It was crazy.  We didn't know what to think.  We actually thought he was joking!

Turns out, he wasn't.  He cited financial reasons.  It's valid.  He travels roughly the same distance as the hubs does, and has to take the same amount of time off work etc.  It got the hubs thinking.  How much are we paying for him to serve?  Turns out the going rate to be his rank, in his unit, where he is station is $1500 a year.  As in, we are paying $1500 a year for him to stay in the military.  This figure takes into account how much he gets paid to drill and all of that VS how much we lose in time taken off work, travel expenses, ball (which is a mandatory weekend for my husbands unit) and all other related expenses, like his uniform etc.  We lose $1500 a year.  That is nearly a months pay at my last job!

All this has added up to a discussion about him staying in.  I don't know how I feel about him getting out.  This little part of me says, "we could use that money!"  A little part of me says, "No more black out missions to other countries, no more deployments, no more last minute changes to our life that we can't do anything about!"  And this other part of me says, "But I'm so proud of him.  But he LOVES it."  And a HUGE part of me says, "Who am I if I'm not a military wife?"  It's so much a part of who we are.  It's always been the three of us.  My husband, the USMC, and me.  I've never known life with him without the other... Who will we be?  What will it do to our marriage?  What will it do to us as people?  Will we be different?

I have such mixed emotions.  SOOOO very much of who I am is because of our life as a Marine and his wife.  This life has made me stronger, more independent and positive that I can handle anything that comes my way.  I'm sure I will still be that on the other side of the Marine Corps, but will that part of me stop growing?  Will I stop getting stronger when I'm no longer constantly being pushed to my breaking point?  I don't know...

Now, scenario number two that has me all confused is a bigger one--- I think.  I'm not sure which will be more jarring.

I looked at my husband the other day.... I looked at him deeply because I have always said I don't want children.  I told him not to marry me if he ever had an inkling in his head that he might want them.  I told him that I did not and likely never would.

I looked at him the other day knowing that he is the only man that I could ever even think of having children with.  I have often wondered.  I have thought about it.  But every time I did, I would flash to crying babies in the middle of the night, teenagers talking back to me, college tuition... And I would think, "all of that, or a life on the beach when I retire.  HMMM.  I'm choosing the beach."  Until the other day, when I looked at him and thought, "What if we had a little boy who looked just like him.  Who would be our very own."  This doesn't mean I want babies.  I don't know for sure that I do.  But when I raised the topic with my husband, who has always said he didn't want them, well, he said he wasn't sure anymore either.

We are not sure about any of this.  We don't know what to do.  I have never wanted to be a mom.  I still don't know that I do.  And I doubly don't know if I want to be a mom WITHOUT the USMC in my life.  1. Sometimes I want my husband to go to drill to give me peace and time with the dogs to deal with them in my own way. LOL!  2.  Man on man, I think my husband would need to go shoot things a lot more often if we had kids and I don't know that he would be able to do that without drill weekends. HAHA!!

I have no idea to what end any of this will come to... I've been wrestling with it for a month or so now.  I don't know what we decided on either front.  I just don't know.  

1 Comments:

Blogger chambanachik said...

Well, love, I relate to all of the above. I definitely went back and forth on the baby issue- and, as you know, Millie is the brightest part of my life. So you're allowed to change your mind and so is he. :) And if you don't, you're allowed to do that too.

The military thing is tricky. I felt the exact same way when Sky left the Guard- it affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

October 28, 2011 at 5:55 PM  

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