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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Unhappy?

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Unhappy?

Why is it that things never seem to be able to all be good all at the same time?

At my last job, I liked it, but had health issues.  At my current job, I'm mostly healthy, but seem to not like it.

The hubs and I are cautiously optimistic that things are getting better with us.  We seem to be laughing more than we are fighting and it's been ages since we have had that.  Financially, we took a hit with him home sick for three weeks, but I've been getting a bit of OT, so that should even out and we are on track in that sense.  We are looking at the next step of our goals, buying property, and that seems to be on track.  It's not going to be for a few more years, but the research is going well.

My car troubles are quashed for now.  Turns out that leaving everything on your car, engine and all, original for 12 years and NOT doing any routine maintenance is a bad thing... Who knew?  :)

So, where is this little twinge of unhappiness coming from?  Work.

I'm a good tech.  I'm capable.  I do my job well.  I don't freeze when emergencies come through the door.  I don't shake and quiver when trying to get a catheter into a crashing animal.  I have decent logic when it comes to treatments.  But I am unhappy.  I don't seem to fit in at work.  I know my last post was about cliques, but this seems to be beyond that.

I'm unhappy because I feel like maybe I'm not meant to work with people.  Everyone is nice to me.  I've been told that I'm very personable more times that I can count.  I smile at everyone, I'm so polite it's not even funny (due to my upbringing).  I admit when I'm wrong, I ask stupid questions without shame and know that they are stupid.  I take ribbing well.  I dish out ribbing just as well, in good nature of course. But I just don't feel like people like me none the less.  How is it that someone who is told how personable they are all the time can always feel like they don't fit in.

I have hearing issues so I'm self conscious about being too loud, but often in retrospect.  I wonder if it's that.  I wonder if it's that I chat while I work.  I wonder if it's that they think my questions are too stupid. I really don't know.  But I can tell I don't really fit in.  Sometimes, you just know.

My assistant and the overnight tech seem to like me just fine.  It's not that I'm a leper.  It's just enough that I'm not happy.

I'm selfish for being upset about this.  My husband doesn't always like his civilian job, but he works it anyway.  He works it for me.  He works it to help us reach our goals in life.  He has plans to leave, but not right away.  It makes it hard for me to talk to him about this.  I haven't even mentioned it to him.  How can I?  How can I complain about not liking my job?  How can I tell him I'm unhappy when I haven't even been there for a month and he's been at his job for years.  It makes me feel like a selfish, bad person.  How can I stomach disliking my job so much and vocalizing that and even think about not working there, when my husband has been swallowing his dislike of his job for my benefit for so long?

I'm tired of feeling like an outsider.  I really am.  I don't have many friends.  Even fewer who I actually talk to regularly.  I have my husband, my dogs and TV and books.  I like it that way.  I have never felt like I fit in anywhere... ever.  My whole life I have felt like an outsider.  And working with people just reminds me that I will never be "part of the group."

No one is really mean to me at work.  For me, it just come down to being almost 30 years old and being able to count my "friends" on one hand.  It comes down to being almost 30 and wondering if I will ever belong anywhere.  My husband is an amazing man.  Who has tons of friends.  It's a big part of how we are different.  My whole life, I have smiled while with people, but secretly gone home and been happy to be away from them.  I don't like people.  My dark secret?  I don't like people, because I have never felt that they like me.  And, really, who wants to be around people who don't like them and don't include them?

I can cite a hundred examples over the years of how I have not been apart of the group.  I can tell you about people who I worked closely with for years who all still hang out, but not with me, just each other.  I can tell you about people who I spent all my time with, who all still hangout, but not with me, just each other.  I seem to be that person in every group who lifts right out without upsetting the dynamic.

I am thinking maybe my path in life is to find something I can do from home... But I can't even entertain that idea, because it would involve explaining to my husband my selfish desire to not work my job any more.  :(  

2 Comments:

Blogger chambanachik said...

We're in the very same place, friends-wise.

I'm glad that even though things aren't great with work, things are okay with your husband. That always helps.

August 27, 2011 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I know how you feel about the friends and even people situation. I have dealt with that my entire life. People have told me that I need to work on my personal issues by seeing a therapist. I will admit that I did see one and she turned out to not be very nice and kind of scared me away. I am still working up the nerve to see another one. But maybe that would help you? I dont know. I did want to let you know that what you are feeling, you are not alone. If you want, feel free to message me anytime.

About your job, is it possible for you to look for another one? Maybe one that you interact with people less. I am not sure of all the jobs that are out there or everything that you could do. Maybe in your down time you could try doing some research. Good luck!

August 28, 2011 at 6:10 PM  

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