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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: The truth of the matter

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The truth of the matter

I have no friends.  It would be much easier to write that statement if it were because we had PCS'ed 100 times in the last few years or I was new in town... But I can't use the new in town excuse when I've lived in my town for over three years now.

The truth is, I get along with everyone.  I laugh easily, I joke easily, and I generally can get along with anyone I meet, even if I don't really like you...  But, when I need a friend, when life gets hard, when I want to cry, I don't want people to know.  I may coyly be honest and say I'm having a rough day or, as in the case of yesterday, "I feel like hiding from the world today."  But the truth is, I don't call people and tell them I'm hurting.  I hate when people see me cry.  I don't even cry when I'm alone.  I cry for a few seconds, wipe my tears and tell myself to get over it.  Sometimes, I feel like I can't cry anymore.  Sometimes, even when I really want, when I really need to, I can hardly squeeze out any tears.

I have no true friends because I love to be there for everyone I know, but I don't want them to see me when I'm weak, when I'm vulnerable, and when I'm hurt, scared, confused, unsure of myself, unsure of the world, or just plain can't take anymore of life.

I'm the strong, confident girl that everyone calls when they don't know what to do, because I have a level head on my shoulders and a great way of showing you all the angles.  I'm also the strong, confident girl, who feels lost when I can't see my husband's face to ask him a question.  I had never even been grocery shopping by myself until my husband deployed.  It's a cleverly constructed ruse that I show the world.  If they were to see what happens behind closed doors, the ruse would crumble.

When I'm hurting, lonely, scared, or sad I can never decided if I want to have someone there to comfort me, or if I want to be left alone.  I would hate to call someone over only to discover it's the latter, so I always choose the latter.  The truth of the matter is, I don't have friends, I don't have anyone to talk to, because I choose not to most of the time.  Call it trust issues, call it a history of feeling ignored anyway.  Call it what you will, but that is the truth.  And it sucks.  But it is what it is.

4 Comments:

Blogger Ashley said...

It's amazing how so many people feel the same way! I grew up with few close friends but tons of family. Regardless, I don't open up and share with them either an they don't understand the military wife lifestyle because none of them have gone through it! Stay strong, like always!

June 22, 2011 at 7:11 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

June 22, 2011 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger chambanachik said...

I feel much the same a lot of times. But for what it's worth, you can always email me (and for that matter, call me or be my friend on Facebook, lol).

I think that's part of the reason I blog- real life friends are often few and far between, but I have you guys. :)

June 22, 2011 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger The Social Frog said...

Our last duty station, Florida..I kept to myself, did not branch out and make friends. I hate that we move every 3 years and I hate saying good bye. Well now I am trying my best here in Japan to know people and go do things, life is to freaking short! Hugs :)

www.thesocialfrog.com

June 22, 2011 at 11:59 PM  

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