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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Sigh....

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Sigh....

I wrote this post last week, but it was during the few days that blogger was down.  It made me want to cry because I really needed to get it all out!  So, I wrote it on my computer...  I'm having a much better day today and feeling a bit less horrible, but figured I should post it, in the event that I feel this way again tomorrow... Which I might.  The reality is, this is a very honest post about how I feel when no one is looking.  This is how I feel when I am not trying to convince the world (and myself) that everything is perfect.

***


“Hurt that’s not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you’re trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less” – Madonna, What it feels like for a girl

Do you ever feel so lost and alone you can’t breath?


I’m heart broken inside.  I’m heart broken because when times get tough I realize I’m alone.  I fool myself into thinking I’m ok.  I fool myself by waking up every day and smiling.  I’m there for everyone.  I comfort my “friends” I tell them they are right, I let them cry on my shoulder.  I laugh when they are happy and I cry with them when they are sad. 

I wake up everyday, no matter what I feel inside and smile and laugh and joke.  I tell people that my life is great.  I joke about my husband, “you know husbands!  HAHAHA!”  I laugh about my pit falls.  I understand about my surgery.  To my doctor, I understand, to my boss, I understand, to my family, I understand.

But inside, that piece of me that I shove down deep so that I can laugh, and smile is dying.  It is quietly whispering, “your heart is broken, you are sad, you are lonely, you are unhappy, and you have no one.”  It whispers that no matter who you support, who you love, who you are there for, only a fraction of those people will be there for you, and in my reality, none of them.  They do not hesitate to call when they are sad, they do not hesitate to complain that no one loves them or wants to hear them complain, but they also do not return my phone calls, or hear my cries for help.

I wake up everyday, take a deep breath and smile.  I wake up, take a deep breath and tell myself the lump in my throat is sleepiness.  I wake up, take a deep breath and tell myself I have nothing to cry about.  And that little piece of me, it whispers, “you are in pain, you are sad, and you are dying a little each day.”  And I refuse to hear it.  I refuse because happiness is a choice, right?  You have to wake up each day choose to be happy.  You have to wake up each day and choose to be strong.  And that’s what I am, I am strong.  I am strong for myself, I am strong for my friends when they are too tired and sad and weak to be strong themselves, I am strong for my husband when he is worried about his wife, I am strong for my patients, I am strong because strong is the only choice I can make.  And that little voice inside me whispers, “you don’t want to be strong anymore.”  It whispers, “when is someone going to be strong for you?”

And each day, I ignore it.  I do not want to hear the truths that this little part of me whispers.  I do not want to hear that no one is strong for me.  I do not want to hear that I am sad, and lonely, and heart broken, but this little voice finally grew loud enough that I couldn’t ignore it any more. 

So, here I sit, sad, and lonely, and heart broken.  Here I sit, with no one to be strong when I don’t have the will, or energy to be.  Here I sit, realizing that no one is going to be there for me. 

But tomorrow, I will wake up, take a deep breath, and smile.  I will wake up, take a deep breath and be happy on the outside.  Tomorrow, I will wake up and I will act strong, because I have no other choice.  But the little voice, the little piece of me that I shove so deep down to quite will not be ignored…  And I know, that one of these days, I will not wake up, take a deep breath, and smile.  I know someday, I will grow weary of being strong for everyone.  And when that day comes, the world will be shocked to see that I, too, cry when no one is looking.  I, too, fear the unknown.  I, too, worry about the future.  And I, too, need someone to be there for me, be strong for me, to cry with me.  And because I don’t have that someone, I, too, can be just as lonely as the rest of the world.  I’m just better at lying on the outside than most.  But the truth is, I’m dying on the inside.

I am heart broken.


10 Comments:

Blogger Krystal. said...

I know exactly how you feel, and as cliche as that sounds.... I DO. I am ALWAYS HERE for you. <3 Email me whenever, and if you want to call me, I'll be more than happy to listen to everything, and how you're feelings. Because I'm STILL going through a hard time. But I just wanted to let you know that you are a great woman, and I'm here whenever you need ME.

May 18, 2011 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger andersa9 said...

This is a lot of what my blog is about....and heartbreak is so tough emotionally, mentally and physically. Its ok to have those times of breakdown but dont let them define you. Continue to search for the happiness in doing small acts of kindness for yourself. Youll get there...

May 18, 2011 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger Marine Wife Unplugged said...

I didn't want you to think this post went unread or unnoticed by me. I did read it, about 3 minutes after you posted it. I was just broken for you and praying for you, unsure of what to comment with. I didn't want to come across as superficial or uncaring. I do care. I just know that spouting I'm sorry rhetoric is not what you need at all right now. And I don't want to be one of those Christians who says "just turn to Jesus and your troubles will go away." I hate that crap. I am here for you, though, and even though we have never met, I do genuinely care. When I'm in the dumps, like REALLY in the dumps, I read Psalm 69, because it epitomizes my misery.

May 19, 2011 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Jessikuh said...

I know how you feel. I recently wrote a post similar to this, how I feel like I put in an effort for everyone and no one returns that for me. I'm not sure if it's much consolation since I live nowhere near you, but I'm here for you. You can e-mail, you can call, you can do what you need. You can yell, cry, scream and I'll just be there for you.

I feel like this quote might sum up how you feel, too. ""I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them the most."

I hope that you do listen to yourself, though. Don't let yourself get so low to where you can't help yourself. People love you, it's true. They may not realize how beaten down you are, even if you cry for help. Sometimes people are so absorbed in themselves it takes really, really showing them. I hope things get better, I really do. Just hold in there. They will get better.

May 19, 2011 at 3:09 PM  
Blogger chambanachik said...

I know we're "just friends in the blogging world", so it may seem trivial, but as much as you can let it mean to you, I am 100% here for you through whatever you need. I really appreciate the emails we've shared and the common ground we have. You're a beautiful person, and I hope your life gets more beautiful, too.

May 19, 2011 at 8:56 PM  
Blogger ines said...

First of, I'm your newest follower.
Secondly, I hate to say this, butni know exactly how you feel. Whe I read your post I was sitting thinking, "man! This girl is writing what I'm feeling at the moment".
Im sorry you are feeling this way and in hope it will go away very very soon! Big Hugs!

-ines
(thefewtheproudthewife.blogspot.com)

May 19, 2011 at 9:13 PM  
Blogger Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

I'm not going to offer up cliches or advice because you know I don't have any and you know that I know, they don't do anything but irritate you. I'm always here lovey and you know that too ♥

May 20, 2011 at 2:44 AM  
Blogger Ashley D. said...

You know I realized something similar about myself a few months ago. I packed up, I left my husband, I went and stayed with a friend, because I couldn't go stay with my sisters or my mom. I was so used to be strong for those people, to being the one they always lean on that I could not allow myself to allow them to see me heartbroken and searching. Loneliness is an awful feeling, and I struggle with it alot. While my husband isn't deployed, he is away often, doing his own thing, being who he wants to be while I sit at home alone with our daughter most evenings. I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to and it is...it's awful. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I understand and I thought this was a beautiful post full of raw emotions. Hang in there. Keep your chin up and please remember that YOU matter. YOU matter more than anything, especially to your Creator. *big hug*

May 20, 2011 at 4:48 AM  
Blogger MrsMcDancer said...

Grown up life can feel so lonely sometimes, even when you have people around a lot. I'm glad that you can write this out and release some of those pent up feelings and just know you aren't alone in feeling like that. Hope that things start to look up!

May 20, 2011 at 7:08 PM  
Blogger It's Something Beautiful said...

I know exactly how you feel. Recently I've been feeling everything you just wrote. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Theres a contact button on the top of my blog if your wanting to talk!

Stay strong girl and keep your head up. First step to a happier you is admitting how your feeling!

May 22, 2011 at 7:41 PM  

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