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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: April 2010

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, April 30, 2010

My husband

So, I realize that I have not posted anything about my husband or our post deployment adventures in a while. I will do so quickly. :)

We are doing pretty good. Tensions are down, life is settling, we are adjusting. It took us a long time to be able to deal with life and each other. We had a very hard adjustment period, but things seem to be getting better.

I drive him crazy less, he drives me crazy less, we fight less. All around, we are doing better. Slowly but surely, life is returning to pre-deploymentness.

Finals, again...

I'm spending all weekend prepping for my second to last finals week!

I should be doing it now, but after the crappy week I had, I decided to take a break. I can't decided if I'm stressed or excited. Second to last finals week! WHOOHOOO!

I'm nervous. I always am during finals week, but I'm pretty stoked that I'm almost done. 8 weeks of class left, then off to my externship!

I've decided to say "screw it" to people at school. I'll be nice to everyone, but it's not my problem if we aren't friends. I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to learn. That is that. One person, who is a friend, has decided to sit with me next sequence. We agreed to be Anatomy partners ages ago. She has a tough time dissecting animals and we spend a good portion of class dissecting cats. I don't have issues with that, so I told her I would help her. It's nice to know she likes me and wants to sit with me and such. Not that I was ever in doubt of her liking me, but someone asked to her to sit with them, so she moved away from me this sequence. But, she's back and I can feel like at least one person likes me.

I'm pretty stoked that I'm almost done! 8 weeks and four more finals to go! So close!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Bad Day

I hate people, I hate school, I hate life right now.

I've been having a rough couple of weeks and right now, I would give anything to be able to stay in bed all day and avoid the world.

I'm still pretty pissed about some stuff that happened during my deployment... Mostly, it was strangers, but I had some people I loved, who I thought loved me, do some terrible things. It was a shitty year (like you can a good year during a deployment, right?) But for some reason, for the last few weeks, this stuff keeps coming back up. I keep being reminded. I just want to forget all the bad stuff and be happy my husband is home... So, why does it keep coming back up?

School sucks, as I have said...

Man, I just need this week to end. Next week has to be better. It can't go on for three weeks in a row... Right? It's got to get better eventually.

I hate having bad days... I hate having bad weeks even more. But it seems to be going around... Like it's contagious. All my friends are having a rough week too.

UGH! Tomorrow will be a better day. I just have to get out of this weird, grumpy, funk.

School sucks and people suck

I'm going to whine for a minute... or two.

School is great. I love what I'm learning and the best part is, I'm almost done. However, I hate it now.

When I started, I had transfered to night classes from the morning class, so it was ok that I didn't have friends, I didn't know anyone. Then I met my study partner and had her for two sequences. It was great. Then she graduated. Now, I'm alone again.

My class is very clique-y. Everyone is in a clique. I'm not that kind of person. I didn't go into school thinking I was going to make life long friends, but it's nice to have them. I get along with everyone. That being said, I can get along with anyone, even people I hate. So, it's not saying much to say that. Most people I think are fine. I have a few people in class that I can't stand for various reasons, but it doesn't stop me from being nice to them or talking to them.

To tell you the truth, it's hard for me for a lot of reasons. One: I generally don't like people. It's not to say I'm mean, but I just sorta think people suck. It's from years of working in customer service. Two: I have never been good at making friends, so I tend to keep to myself. I'm working on that, but it's hard to break that. Three: I don't like cliques. That excludes me from being friends with pretty much everyone in class. Four: I have the highest GPA in class. I don't announce this to everyone, I keep it to myself, but the truth is, everyone has figured out that I'm a good student. It seems to be the rule of the jungle to alienate the smartest kid in class. I know people resent me, they don't even try to hide it... yet, if they need help or couldn't find an answer for something, they all come running to me. Which takes me back to reason One. I hate people. I know when I'm being used. Ignore me until you need something... Sucky.

The problem is, I've been dealing with this for 5 and a half weeks now. And it's starting to wear me down. I'm starting to not like people in class for the simple reason that they don't include me. It's stupid. These are not people that I would normally be friends with. These are not people that are going to be life long friends, but I resent them for not being friends with me and not including me. And I'm growing to dislike them.

I shouldn't let it get to me. It shouldn't matter that I'm not in a clique of people. I have people to talk to. No one is mean to me, the just don't include me. (though, they do some times do things that show they don't like how good a student I am.) It really shouldn't matter... I'm almost done. It just sucks to not really have friends at the place you spend most of your time.

Sometimes, things like this make me worry that I am not meant to have friends. I don't have many to begin with. And I'm pretty sure it must be something about me... Why else would I not be able to make friends. There is something unfriendable about me.

It just sucks.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Friday

I didn't sleep again last night. I did dose off and on, but no real sleep. My husband woke me up at 6:30am when he left for work, so I've been up ever since.

I had an early morning doctors appointment, physical therapy, I still need to do homework, dishes, laundry and pay bills. But all I want to do is take a nap.

It's going to be a long day.


Dear God: Please help me sleep tonight. I could really use it.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Shitty

Pardon my language, but shitty, shitty, shitty.

I'm exhausted. I'm still recovering from the crazy days I spent at surgery practicum and it is now 5:11 am and I have yet to fall asleep.

I think it all caught up with me.

I was lying in bed think about surgery and what I did wrong, what I did well, questions I should have been able to answer etc, etc, etc. I was actually anxious about it.

Sunday night, the night before my first big day, I slept like a baby. Monday night, the night before surgery day, I slept like a log. Two nights of dreamless sleep. Tuesday night, I was so exhausted and fried that I crawled into bed at 10:30 pm, turned on the TV and don't remember a thing after that. I was out and I slept until 8am yesterday.

How is it, that when I should be a huge ball of nerves I sleep perfectly well and when it's all over, I'm anxious as hell?

I have discharge today and a test later tonight. I really wanted to sleep. I have now given up. I tried in bed, then the couch with the TV on and the lights on (sometimes that works for me), I tried the couch with the lights off, then I tried bed again. Nothing. Just anxiety. It's not so bad when I'm awake. When I'm awake, I feel fine. Tired, sleepy and exhausted, but otherwise fine. As soon as I lay my head down and close my eyes? Anxiety. Deep breathing is not helping.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a few hours of sleep.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Lord!

The worst of my surgery practicum is over.

Have you ever been through something so stressful, where there is so much pressure on you, that you just can't function for days afterward? That was my last two days.

I had a huge audience. It was over 13 people, all there just to watch. One person felt it was ok to literally stand directly behind me and look over my shoulder while I was trying to do an intravenous injection on two very pissed off cats. NOT COOL!

Both of my patients hated being there and were very difficult. My assistant had never dealt with cats before. That is not a good combination. I was never confident that she had a good hold on the cats... I was very worried I was going to get bit. Plus, she lost her grip, twice, while I was giving injections. Awesome. I was very lucky that I didn't get bit.

It was intense. Dear Lord, I can't believe I made it through. My hands shook, I forgot to breath. My teachers kept coming up to me and saying, "Erin, you need to breath."

On Monday, my program director/vet asked me a very simple question. What does FIV and FeLV stand for? I have learned this very thing at least 5 times since I started school. I literally learned it again just two weeks ago. I know all about the diseases and they are very common among cats. I said, "FeLV is feline leukemia. FIV is Feline Immuno... .... .... .... something.... Virus" No shit. I went completely blank. Not even the slightest recognition. I just stood there. Trying to remember. While she stared at me. It was horrible. Then she says, "Well, what does HIV stand for?" And my answer? "Human Immuno.... Something.... Virus" No kidding. I couldn't come up with it. I wanted to cry. Then she said, "I'll give you a hint... It starts with a "D"" And I thought, "Oh, dear God! What on earth starts with a D?!!!!!" I stood there for at least 15 more seconds... It felt like hours... I did finally ask, "deficiency?" Seriously, I wasn't sure. It is, in fact, deficiency. Feline Immunodeficiency Virus. And it was all down hill from there.

I did fine on all my skills. I answered most of the questions I was asked correctly. There were very few things I didn't know. My teacher said I did well, but that I need to work on my nerves. There's a big surprise. :) But, holy cow, it was intense to have all of those people watching me. Plus, I had to go first for both of my patients. I was the first surgical team for my neuter and the first surgical team when we did the spays. Which means, no one in the room had anything better to do that watch to see if I screwed up. Luckily, I'm pretty good under pressure, so I able to keep going. I felt the pressure, but didn't lose it.

But now, I'm exhausted. I had to be at school at 12pm. I got there at 11:40am both days. I then had to attend class afterwards until 10pm. So, two very long, very stressful days. I really need a break, but I have to go to class all week. :( I wish I could lay in bed and do nothing for a day.

Thank God real life is not as stressful as Surgery Practicum. And, rarely, do you have a 13 plus person audience while you are working.

Man, I just wanted to cry through the whole thing.

When I'm feeling better, maybe I'll write more about what I did. I did somethings really well. Somethings not so much. There's a lot that goes into it. We'll see if I ever get the energy to relive it. :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Little One



This is a prime example of what happens when I leave my husband unattended with my dog...



4.4 lbs of joy and one very bored husband.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Holy Cow!

Man, am I stressed out!

Good news? I have been acing all the tests I thought I was doing poorly on. Bad news? Surgery Practicum.

I don't know if I have talked about it before, but here's the deal:

In my program we are required to do practical skills. Many of them are done in class on dummies. But we are required to do two surgery practicums (where our program director, who is a vet, performs surgery on patients and we act as the tech) during which we must prove our practical skills. These skills include taking histories, giving injections (both Intravenous and subcutaneous), physical exams, placing intravenous catheters, inducing and monitoring anesthesia, recovering patients after anesthesia etc, etc, etc.

The bummer is, just after my first one, the skills changed to pass/fail. That means no help. During my first one, I could ask if I forgot things or say I didn't know how to do things. Now, I can't ask questions at all, I just have to know how to do things and I can't get any help. I'm not being graded pass/fail because I did my first one before the skills changed, but I have to follow the rules. I'm so stressed.

Not only am I going to be under the watch full eye of my program director, while performing skills I've only done a few times, with no help, she also likes to pester us with questions. They range from pharmacology questions about the drugs we use, to anatomy questions about the body parts she is doing surgery on... I have not had anatomy, so I have to spend Sunday teaching myself. Those questions are considered part of my skills, so I have to know the answer. No pressure. None at all. I just have to perform the skills, answer the questions and do it all with no help or guidance while being watch by my program director and a room full of students observing me. GEESH!

If that wasn't stressful enough, I still have to attend class. Surgery is during the day, but it runs into the evening, so I miss part of class to do it. Including the test I have Tuesday. My teacher was nice enough to tell me I could take it Wend instead... Thank God! Tuesday is surgery day, so it's a really long day because it's the day we actually perform surgery and recovery etc. Busy day. I'm going to be so fried by the end of it. I have to be at school at 12pm, and then head to class, so I'm there for 10 hours Monday and Tuesday. Then Thursday is discharge day, when the patients go home, so I also have to be there at 12.

Thank God it's my last one and then I'm done. 10 weeks left of class, one surgery practicum (soon to be zero) and a six week externship... Then I'm done! I'll be all graduated!

Oh, did I mention that next week is cat week? So, I not only have surgery practicum, but two patients because, when we do cats, we always do a spay and a neuter (each tech gets two). So, two patients... So STRESSFUL! Oh, and we have seven cats coming in, which means one team will get three patients! I hope it's not me! (team's are a vet tech, vet tech student, and an assistant)

Ugh! Wish me luck that I survive!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Award


I just received an award from Mr. Superman and Mrs. S... More specifically, I got it from Mrs. She is a new follower to my blog and has been great about leaving wonderful comments and is very supportive.

As many of you know, I try to follow those who follow me and she is definitely worth checking out.

I guess the award if for people who inspire others and show positivity and creativity.

I appreciate it! I never feel like I talk about anything all that important, but it's nice to know someone appreciates what I have to say.

That said, most of you also know that I rarely pass these things on... Sorry. I will think about it and see if I can think of anyone who deserves it, but to tell you the truth, I have not been very good about following the many blogs I "follow." I'm very out of the loop.

I'll do my best to spread the love!



Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Husband-itis

If senior-itis wasn't bad enough my husband was home today. UGH!

I love him to death, but he is such a distraction! I have only managed to study for like 15 minutes today! I'll do fine, but seriously, husband-itis is a worthy foe that I didn't anticipate battling today.

He left a few minutes ago to have drinks with a friend and I'm hoping that means I can get back on track.

On the bright side, the test I took last week- the one that my senior-itis refused to let me study for- went really well! 102%! I guess I'm battling senior-itis better than I thought. It just proves that if I keep fighting and working hard, I can beat it!

And I will take a bout of husband-itis any day! It's hard, but after he's been gone for a week in the field with no contact, I'll take a low test score in exchange for a little extra time with the hubby any day. It's all a matter of priorities... sometimes the husband just needs to come first.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

WOW!

All I have to say is, "WOW!"

It always makes me smile when complete strangers are supportive. Even better when people I know are.

After my post yesterday, a few of you said some really nice things that helped me get back on track. I also emailed a teacher, who has always been supportive of me, about my little problem... She put it like this:

"I always related it to climbing a very intense set of stairs. Right now it's like you are 75% done and you can see the top, but you are just exhausted (mentally and physically), but the end is so close you don't want to give up.

Just push through, every step up is a step closer to your end goal. I know you'll make, just stretch (mind and body) and breathe and nest thing you know you are at the top and you'll be so proud of yourself that when you look down at all those stairs, knowing that you did it all by yourself, you'll feel so proud that it makes up for all those burning muscles and (maybe) shed tears.
I know you can do Erin, just keep breathing and you'll accomplish your 4.0."

Talk about perspective. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm still struggling, but feel much more motivated about it. I know I can do this.

I'm doing this for my husband. I'm doing this so I can be proud of my job. I'm doing this because I wanted a change. I want to be successful, I want a better life for my husband and myself. I want to love what I do. Those are good reasons to keep plugging away.

It was so kind of you all to offer a support. It was so kind that you all offered to listen to me complain... Sometimes I feel like that's all I do anymore... But it was nice to know that someone out there understands what I'm going through, even if it is a stranger, or someone I only know online. There are different ways to support people and be there for them and there are different ways to get support. That is one thing I love about my blog, sometimes it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through whatever I may be going through.

I'm still struggling in the aftermath of my husbands deployment. We are still adjusting to life. I'm still adjusting to life. Things are so different now. Toss all of that with school stress, exam stress, licensing stress, and homework stress and I'm just a mess, emotionally. But I'm not the first military wife to struggle with school and life and the military. I'm not the only one in the world worried about grades or passing my classes. A lot of people do this with kids or other stresses that I don't have. I just need to remember that no matter what is going on in my life, I'm not the first to feel that way and I won't be the last. All is not lost. I can do this. I'm so close to being done. I can't give up now. I just needed a little perspective to remind me where I am in life, and what I'm trying to accomplish.

No, a 4.0 will not change my life. It will not make me a better tech that I already am... But it's a goal I set, and one I want to accomplish. I won't cry if I fail because I will know that I gave it my best. It's not an easy thing to do. And given everything else I have had going on in my life in the last year and a half, it's amazing I have made it this far. That is something in and of it's self. It took everything I had not to give up on life when my husband first left for deployment. I had to learn to live life in a way I had never imagined, independently. I struggled. But eventually, I did it. I picked myself up and kept myself going and made it to the end of the deployment in one piece... part of it while going to school. If I can go through all of that and maintain an A, I can make it this last stretch.

I've just got to stop feeling sorry for myself when I get overwhelmed and stressed and tired. I've gotta go back to being that girl from the deployment who can handle anything that gets thrown her way.

It's time to suck it up and finish school.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Feeling Disconnected

So, my senior-itis is turning out to be something more. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown... I don't know.

When my husband left for deployment, I just stopped caring about life. Nothing seemed important anymore. I stopped caring about being a good student, a good friend, a good neighbor. I just stopped caring. That is what this feels like. I'm trying so hard to care about school. I just don't anymore. It just changed overnight. Three weeks ago, I was a 4.0 student 14 weeks away from graduating, I was so motivated to finish. Now, I'm a 4.0 student on the verge of dropping out and I don't know why.

And what's worse, is I feel disconnected from the world... Just like I did during the deployment. I have no one to talk to. I feel like such a burden to my friends. How can I bug them with this? It's the first nice weekend (weather wise) we have had in ages and I just can't bring myself to call anyone and bring them down by complaining about nothing. That's what this is... nothing. It's such minor problem in the grand scheme of life. School... so trivial.

My husband is gone, so I can't talk to him... He's out in the field, so we can't even talk on the phone... It feels like he's left all over again. A stupid way to think, I know... So pathetic of me.

I spent the whole deployment wishing I had someone to talk to. I couldn't burden my husband. He had more important things to worry about. And I didn't want to burden my civilian friends, they never understood anyway. I had very few military wives to talk to... so no luck there. And really, what was I going to say? "I miss my husband so desperately that sometimes I can't breath." "I dream at night that he is here, and it's so vivid that I wake up confused, then I want to cry that it wasn't true." "I haven't heard from him in 5 days, and I'm not sure he's alive." "I'm scared that I won't survive this." I mean really, who wants to deal with that. I didn't want to bug people, who probably had no idea what I was going through, with my troubles. So I kept it to myself.

That's what this feels like. Maybe it's just me being stupid. Maybe I've finally stressed myself into a breakdown. I don't know. I really don't. But I just can't bring myself to call someone and say... well anything. What am I going to say? "So sorry to bug you, but life has stopped mattering. I don't care about school anymore, my husband isn't here and I just want to quit life." What is anyone going to say about that? Probably, "suck it up." That's really what I should be doing. I should just suck it up.

This all feels so stupid. What does a 4.0 matter anyway? Why was I so determined to have one? I can't remember why it all mattered so much. I'm looking at it all now and thinking, "Really? ! It's just school! Who cares!?" But that is such a shitty attitude to have.

I just wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone I could call and tell this too who would have some words of wisdom for me. But what is anyone really going to say? "Keep at it, you're so close to being done." That's all anyone ever says to me when I talk about school. And it's true, I'm so close. 11 weeks to go. It's not that much.

I just wish I knew why I stopped caring about life. I wish I had someone to help motivate me. I wish my husband was here to remind me why I'm doing this... I really can't remember why anymore. Life would be so much easier if I just dropped out and got a job. Any job would do. School was such a stupid idea...

Senior-itis!

Ok, I am having severe bouts with senior-itis.

I have 11 weeks of school left, then a six week externship. I'm so close to being done I can taste it. But now I can't focus. Even now, I should be doing homework and yet, here I am, sitting on my computer, blogging. I need to get a handle on this.

I have a 4.0 and if I'm not careful, I'm going to lose it simply because I'm slacking off. :( GEESH!!! I'm so close to having a 4.0 and being done, it would suck to lose all of that now.

****


Dear Senior-itis:

I would really appreciate it if you would leave me alone. I am trying to study. I have three tests next week. I really need to focus. Please stop pestering me to walk the dog, play in the sunshine and watch TV. I do not want to play, I want to focus. I would appreciate it if you would go on an 11 week vacation, so I can get some work done.

Sincerely,

Erin

Friday, April 9, 2010

Booo!

My husband did something beyond stupid... I won't go into it. But he did it after leaving for a long drill weekend (Wend through Monday). I discovered it after he had already gone out in to the field. I haven't heard from him. He text me Wend morning to tell me they were heading out and that is the last I have heard from him... And probably the last I will hear from him until Monday.

So, now, I'm pissed and I can't even talk to him about it to find out what the hell he was thinking! UGH!

Why is it that the military always seems to be in the way at the most inopportune moments in life? It never fails that when I really need to talk to my husband, he's out in the field or training. Or when I really need him here, or something important is going on... he's always out in the field. Such is life in the military I guess.

GGGGRRRRR!

Monday, April 5, 2010

A bad dream

I had a very intense dream last night.

I’m at a family gathering. We are in a state park of some kind in the woods eating at picnic tables and outside of RV’s. My husband and I are laughing and enjoying our time with my family.

In real life, I have a brother, who is estranged from me. In this dream, my brother, though not really him, is there. He is not close to me, but we are talking.

My father, in real life, owns an original 442 car that may be the only one left in the world. We have never found another like it. In my dream, he is finally fixing it up. He has the engine with him and is telling us it cost more than what the car is worth. He is fixing it up to sell it to my brother, who owns a junk/trinket yard, so my brother can sell it to some unsuspecting soul for a fortune.

My husband comes to me and announces he is buying a motorcycle that my brother has for sale. I have no idea what the price it, but I know the bike. It’s a black, vintage Indian. It runs and looks beautiful. I know it must cost a lot. I tell him no. I’m furious. Who buys something like that without asking his wife. I tell him, “no way, just yesterday at the grocery store, you wouldn’t let me buy things because you said we were broke! You said we didn’t have enough money and needed to save!” I’m screaming at him! I yell, “if you buy that bike, I will divorce you!” I’m livid! He tells me he is buying the bike anyway. That there is nothing I can do to stop him.

Me, being me, won’t take that kind of answer. So I rush to my brother and buy his whole shop, including the van he drives that has the shops info on it.

I drive to the shop. It’s exactly like a movie. It’s run down, shutters hanging on hinges. It’s long like a motel, except there is only one entrance. There are rows of shelves inside with every kind of junk and trinket you can imagine. The outside has stacks of tires and mounds of car parts. There is even a little out building where a show can be put on to entertain kids while their parents look. It’s right off an old highway, as if to say, a long time ago, this was a great stop, until the freeway got put in and people stopped traveling here.

I beat my husband to the shop. When he arrives, he comes with friends. I tell him what I have done and that the bike is no longer for sale. I will never sell it to him. He is as furious as I am.

At this point I wake up (still angry) and realize that it is only 7:15am and I don’t need to be up for another hour or so. I toss and turn for a while trying to shake off the anger from dream and not be mad at my husband for something I made up in my mind.

When I fall back asleep, my dream picks back up, as dreams often do.

I am at the shop. People are everywhere. We are very busy. But time has passed. My husband and I are now getting divorced. There is tension between us. I still love him, but he has ignored me for too long. He is so obsessed with “good finds” that he can sell and fixing up my dads car and getting that bike, that he never pays attention to me. I can no longer be married to a man who loves “stuff” more than me.

I’m furious that he is at my shop. I’m angry that he is trinket hunting. Some of my family and friends seem to be there to. They are talking to me, but I don’t know about what. My dream gets a bit fuzzy here. There are things going on and people talking, but I can’t concentrate on them, all I see is my husband, going through piles of stuff. Then it gets really fuzzy and I can’t even see that any more.
The next step I can clearly see, is myself. I am dejectedly walking away from the interior of the shop where my husband is digging. I walk into an entry way. A nook that has a bench and a row of shoes. I sit on the bench and begin trying to put some rubber boots on. It is kinda muddy outside. The man sitting next to me is a friend. (he is really a guy I barely know that is in my class) He tells me something about my husband that I can’t remember. He tells me something about him missing me. He says that my husband loves me. I look at my husband from the doorway. He looks up at me, sorta sad. Then he looks back down and gets excited about something he has found and starts talking very animatedly to his friend standing next to him. I look at this friend sitting next to me and say, “yes, that is true, but there is always another treasure to find.” As I finish my sentence, he says it too, knowing all too well that I am right and that that is why our marriage is failing.

I walk outside and decide that nothing is for sale today. I have my employees make the announcement. I don’t care what you have found or what it costs, I will not sell anything to anyone today. It’s because I don’t want to sell anything to my husband. I’m angry again. I feel outraged, as I imagine someone would, in the middle of a divorce, when they are still in love, and don’t want to let go, but have to.

I go to my van and start putting things in the back to hide them. Then I see my husband and his friends walking across the way, toward a picnic table that is out front (for guests on long road trips, so they can take a break). I casually walk over to them. I see that my husband has brought a girlfriend with him. A romantic one. I am heartbroken. Part of me still wants this marriage to work. I’m holding out hope that he will see what he is doing and apologize and change because he loves me so much. But I’m still being petty.

I walk over and say something along the lines of, “did you notice I stopped selling when you found something good?” I’m trying to get him riled up. I tell him, “I stopped selling things so you couldn’t buy anything.” He girlfriend jumps in, as they often do and starts trying to get in my face about everything. I warn her that I am not to be messed with because I will hit her. She dares me too, so I punch her in the face. She eggs me on, sayimg I didn’t hit hard, so I broke her nose with my fingers. I grabbed her by the hair and soccer punched her in the gut. I told her to stay out of what was between me and my husband. She backs down.

I walk to him. I stand very close. I can feel his breath. I whisper, so low that I can hardly hear myself. My voice comes out raspy, like I need a drink of water. It’s hard to form words, my throat is so dry. I simply ask, “Why?” “Why couldn’t you love me? I loved you, why couldn’t you love me?”

It felt like it took years to get those sentences out. I stood waiting for a response. My heart sinking lower as each second he said nothing passed. We stood there, nose to nose, and I realized it was getting dark outside. But as I realized it was getting dark out side, and I was growing sadder, the light of the morning started to shine through and I woke up, without an answer.

I felt heartbroken when I woke up. I felt like, if he could just have answered me, everything would have been fine. And now, I’m in a bad mood.