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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: The root of the issue

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The root of the issue

I think I have begun to narrow to the root of my issue...

I'm home sick today. Last night, I went to bed early, like 6:40pm, and slept until my alarm went off at 4:20am... I woke up feeling awful (again). I called in to work, then slept until 6:40am. I am going to stop taking the antiviral. I only have a few more days anyway.

So, sitting here, feeling crappy, I have begun to think about this funk I've been in for the last few days. I think life is coming to a head. Almost three years ago, I got married, immediately began planning for my husbands deployment (he deployed half way through our first year of marriage), started school, bought a house etc etc. Life was going and we were going along with it... But fast. We were in such a hurry to get everything taken care of because of the deployment and the uncertainty that that brings. Then my husband came home. We said, "things will get better with time..." Things will smooth out once I'm out of school, have a job, can pay down our debt, etc etc etc. But that never happened.

I graduated three months ago. I have a job. I love my job. I have paycheck, our debt is being paid down, we finally have the money to do this to the house or that fun thing we always wanted to try. But it didn't solve anything. We were both so sure that time would fix everything. That, if we just kept plugging away, eventually things would work out. But that just isn't the case.

It's true that we don't want to kill each other any more. We are both growing accustom to the people we both became in our year apart. But, things are not really getting better. Financial freedom does not make up for everything else. We are facing another deployment. We just got word that his unit is up in the rotation again, though we don't know when... And all I can think is that we still have so much left unfinished.

I grew to distrust people last time. I learned that most of my "friends" couldn't be counted on. And now, I have hardly any friends and a bitter taste in my mouth for humanity in general.

And, as much as I love my husband, we still struggle. Like the issue with ball. I tried to talk to him about last year, how hurt my feelings were and why I was not looking forward to this year. He just blew me off. He tends to do that. Last night, I was in a dead sleep, when he came busting through the door to our bedroom and yelled at me for forgetting to move my car. I come home every Saturday from work to find that he has been playing video games all day and dirtied every dish in the house but expects me to clean it up when I get home... And I work 50 hours a week at god awful hours of the morning so we never see each other, which just compounds the problem because we don't see each other enough to work on things.

It's been three months. We have been telling each other that things will get better for three months, but really, they are never going to improve if we aren't communicating. I'm going to continue to feel crappy about people until I figure out how to let go and accept that some people are just jerks in this world, and money will never solve emotional imbalances.

We kept saying we were going to talk to someone. But I had school, my husbands work won't let him take time off and so on, with so many more excuses. And now we haven't made very much progress at all. And it's our own fault. We just kept putting it off. We kept saying it would get better with time, on it's own. And now, it's been a year since he came home, and I'm feeling miserable about the lack of progress. I'm feeling crappy about people and we have not worked on any of our issues.

And to make me hate people even more, so many other wives are saying how great things are for them now. So many just jumped right back into life like nothing happened. And I can't help but wonder what they did that was so different than us. What is the secret to finding that perfect balance after a deployment that brings you together again? And why did my husband and I never get told about it?


Blogger Kaylee said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is hard, marriage is something that you have to work for each and every day. My husband and I were going on out first anniversary, and what we thought might also be the last.
Then we really started realizing that we wanted it to work, and we were going to make it happen. Fireproofing your marriage over at the spa diaries (http://bloggerbiblebits.blogspot.com/2010/06/fireproofing-your-marriage-intro.html, really truly saved our marriage, along with the Love Dare and the movie Fireproof. They all go together and reading through all of it, watching the movie, and doing the challenges really did wonders.
We make a point to always be open and receptive and to express even the smallest feelings when they are hurt or angry.

I wish you both the best of luck!
I'll keep you in my prayers.

November 2, 2010 at 12:31 PM  
Blogger ABW said...

I wish I had the magic answer. I think it just takes time. Lots and lots of time. Let me think on it, but in the meantime, know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best!!!

November 2, 2010 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Oh man I think its like you said, communication. Lots of it. And time. Lots of that too. Unless both parties are putting forth their full effort, its going to stay stagnant ya know? I'll be thinking and praying for you guys lady!

November 3, 2010 at 9:06 PM  

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