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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Faking it

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Faking it

I'm good at faking it. No one ever knows if my husband and I just spend the entire car ride fighting prior to our arrival. No one at work ever knows if I hate them. No one knows if I'm having a bad day, or I'm stressed or irritated. Really, you all know because I admit it openly on my blog, but in everyday life, I smile everyday.

In fact, I 'm so good at faking it, that most people are surprised when I admit it. This weekend, a girl that I absolutely hate, loath etc showed up to ball. She is a former wife and last year was supposed to be my last year dealing with her. I put up with her crap all through my deployment. She is the only wife in the unit that boils my blood just by being in the room. I was irritated she was there and did my best to avoid her (and was successful) but had to admit at one point that I would like to punch this girl in the face. Everyone with me laughed hysterically at the thought that I would not only say that, but possibly do it. They had never heard me say anything cross about anyone, ever.

So, I'm having a hard time faking it now.

My husband and I have been seeing friends and going to ball and having meals with people like nothing is wrong, but I have hit a point where I have to admit to myself... My marriage is failing. Miserably. Quickly. We are spirally down a slippery slope. Today, I looked into legal separation.

There are a lot of issues we have. Some I have shared, most I have not. I really only share the military related issues because that is what most of my readers can relate to. I'm sure our other issues are not wholly uncommon either. But, this weekend sucked. I had a miserable time at ball. I tried to talk to him about it, got nothing, his solution was that I not attend next year. It just got worse and more and more stuff piled on our ever growing mound of crap in the time that followed. By this morning, when I asked if he was ready to go with me to run the errands I told him we had to run 100 times this weekend, he said he couldn't because his friend was going to call to hang out... I was at my breaking point.

Let me preface by saying that I asked at least three times yesterday what time his friend was going to want to get together. He never answered me. I asked if I could go to lunch with them, and he said no (which is the first time ever he has not only not offered to bring me along, but declined to let me come when I asked). I, of course, as usual, ended up having to run all the errands alone and he missed the interview with the housekeeper I want to hire (which he said he really wanted to be at) so that he could have "alone time" with his friend, whom he has hung out with ALONE almost once a week since I graduated because of my crazy work hours. In fact, I haven't seen this friend in almost three months.

He has been gone since 1pm and isn't answering his phone.

I would love to say I believe that he is in fact out with this friend, but I have my doubts. We have a not so trustworthy history, so I find the situation/excuse very suspicious.

I'd like to say that given time we can work this stuff out, but we talk until we are blue in the face every few weeks and he always says he's sorry for stuff and that it will change. Then it gets better for a few weeks, then it stops being better and the we talk about it all over again.

I'm hitting a point where it's too much. I'm tired of having the same argument. I'm tired of arguing. I'm exhausted from explaining why my feelings matter, my time matters, my schedule matters. I'm tired of trying to get him to consider me in any way shape or form in his decisions. I'm tired of putting him first and him putting him first. I'm tired of my needs not getting met and being taken for granted. It's been three years. He admitted that before the deployment he wasn't putting any effort into improving things. He claimed that he was trying when he got home, but nothing has changed.... Except that he occasionally does the dishes now- but only if it's really bad or I ask him to. And really, this is nothing new. It is not all military/deployment related. It is just our marriage and how it has been pretty much from the beginning.

We are failing at being married. And maybe it's time to admit that we are not compatible. Love is not enough to make a marriage work. It takes effort and nothing will ever get better if only one of us is putting effort into being married.

Maybe it really is time to throw in the towel, see the cause for what it is- lost- and just admit that it didn't work.

I'm just so tired of everyone thinking we are a perfect couple. I'm tired of pretending like things are going well. I'm tired of acting like I'm happy. I'm not. And I haven't been for quite some time.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kaylee said...

Oh girl.. I am so sorry you are feeling like that and having to go through this.
It is true, "you can only fight with someone when they are willing to get in the ring with you."

I will keep you two in my prayers and hope that things work out for the best for you. You have to follow your gut and do what's right for you.

November 16, 2010 at 7:25 AM  
Blogger chambanachik said...

Well, you just pretty much wrote out my current situation. I'm not sure if I'm going to be married much longer or if I even want to be. And I'm in the same boat as you, with most people thinking things are perfect and not knowing a thing. I just want to say that I empathize with you, and I hope both of our situations get better.

November 16, 2010 at 11:43 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

Have you considered seeing a Marriage Counselor?

There should always be time to work on our relationships. I don't care how busy a person's life is- we can always put aside time to work out our troubles. Otherwise we just bury them with dirt until we have a huge pile just staring us in the face and starting to suffocate us.

Don't give up just yet, I know there is more you guys can do. Put aside one day a week and see a counselor. Talking through this with an outside person may just work wonders for both of you.

November 16, 2010 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

I don't even know what to say. Anything I did say won't make you feel better. The only advice I have is do what makes you happy and what you know to be best for you.

I'm still praying for you.

November 16, 2010 at 10:06 PM  

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