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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: HMMM...

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, June 4, 2010

HMMM...

So, I've been bad. Really, really, really bad. Because of school I have not been able to read very many blogs. :( I know, it's sucks. I used to be really good about it. I used to keep on top of everyone. And every time I got a new follower, I would follow their blog too. I have too many followers now. I can't keep up. So, now, I go with people who comment... Assuming it's nice comment.

Anyhoo, my reason for this random blog, when I usually only post a few times a week, and I already posted today, is this:

I sat down and read some blogs today. I found a number of blogs I used to follow, and new ones that I just started following, talking about deployments, home comings and readjustment.

I realized that I have hardly talked about it at all lately. It is not that it has left my life or my mind, it's that I've been so busy with school that I haven't had time to continue processing our deployment. I feel like it's all going to hit me when I graduate. I can feel it brewing in the back of my mind. I never did really think about or process or get over any of the bad things that happened to me during my deployment. I still get all fired up -- for no reason at all-- over that "friend" who fired me the day my husband left. Her words, how can I understand what you are going through when my husband is home, still replay in my mind. I'll just be standing in the shower and it will hit me. And that day will replay in my mind over and over again until I think I'm going to go crazy.

I watched my husband load the bus with his fellow Marines. They said they were leaving about a dozen times before it actually happened... Which means I had to say a tearful goodbye to my husband at least a dozen times. It was horrible. Over and over again, we hugged and said goodbye. It was almost a relief when they finally boarded the bus. I didn't think I could take another false goodbye. Then I waved to him, he waved to me, through the tinted glass, and he was gone. I had no idea if I would ever see him again. I drove home sobbing and tried to call a friend for comfort, but my cell phone died.

When I got home, I knew I could not do anything. I couldn't function. So, I emailed my "friend" and told her that I could not call those eight people she asked me to. I just couldn't handle anything else in my life. It was bad enough I had to go back to school the next day and take three make up tests. To which she got pissy and fired me... and told me that she didn't understand why I couldn't make the calls. I tried to explain. I asked her to understand what it was like to send your husband off to war, to which she replied, "how could I." Some friend... It's called empathy and apparently you lack it!

I had someone say, "Your husband signed up for it, so whatever happens to him over there is his own fault." Really? I'm so glad my husband is willing to die to protect your right to be an asshole. (pardon my french)

I really had a horrible deployment. My friends and family bailed. I had no help, no support, nothing. People were mean, no one wanted to understand. No one even tried. My husband and I fought through the whole thing. I later found out that that is not abnormal... But at the time, it felt like we were the only ones in the world who were fighting during a deployment. We spend most of our precious phone time arguing-- about everything. From my housekeeper not having a key to the house (my husband didn't trust her with one), to what we were going to do with the money I had saved. We fought about him staying on base after he got home, instead of coming home to me. He only called home ever 5-10 days, for 15 minutes at a time and all we did was fight. It was just a horrible experience.

Then he came home. We continued to fight like cats and dogs. I went back to school shortly after he came home... but he was living on base, not at home, so we never saw each other. Which just meant that when we did, we spent all our time fighting. But school was like a band aid. It just sorta covered the crack in our crazy, broken life and has held it together... But it means that we haven't had time to fix that crack. We are doing better. We communicate better than before, we work out compromises better, but there is the big elephant in the room that neither of us are dealing with. I worry that it will all come crashing down when I graduate and we have nothing to focus on but us.

So much for not really thinking about the deployment... HHMMM. It will be interesting when I am done with school.

3 Comments:

Blogger emilysuze said...

I stumbled onto your blog through some other blogs and my heart goes out to you. We're stationed in WA as well, but my husband is a submariner so he's gone for a shorter time period than yours, so we haven't had to deal with as much of the deployment woes. I think a lot of women(spouses) don't talk about how hard it is. We argue a lot during the last few days we have together and it's always a little awkward when he gets home--I'm used to being in charge and he's used to not being a part of us.

Anyway, good luck figuring it all out and getting a good groove back.

P.S. Are you a UW student? I was just accepted for this upcoming fall quarter into one of their grad programs and would love to pick your brain about the campus if you are. :)

June 4, 2010 at 8:34 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Woah girl. Your comment on my blog inspired me to jump over to yours, and boy am I glad I did. Let's be friends. I "get it." So many emotions and untouched rubble to get through that you don't know where to begin, what will shatter goals, and what will make your marriage amazing. You want a good marriage but every time you open your mouth it contradicts the fairy tale love story you have in your mind, and once you try to take it back, the damage is done, causing you to hope for a change of heart. But not just for your man. For yourself, too. You want to be better and yet you can't even spell the word in the midst of all the craziness. It's hard!!!!

My husband went to Iraq (for the second time) a week after we got married. And before that week, we'd been pen pals (only for two months), having never seen each other face to face. Talk about crazy, right?! There's more to this story, but for the sake of you understanding that I know about fear and anger and love mixing all together in a fish bowl stuffed into a sea bag and tossed amongst others, just to leave you feeling unreachable and unlovable... yea, I get that!

June 4, 2010 at 9:57 PM  
Blogger Jessi J. Walton said...

Your husband is lucky to have you. Try and keep your head up and focus on the good things, although it is difficult. It takes a very very strong person to be a military spouse. Unfortunately my husband couldnt handle it.

June 4, 2010 at 10:45 PM  

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