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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Feeling Disconnected

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Feeling Disconnected

So, my senior-itis is turning out to be something more. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown... I don't know.

When my husband left for deployment, I just stopped caring about life. Nothing seemed important anymore. I stopped caring about being a good student, a good friend, a good neighbor. I just stopped caring. That is what this feels like. I'm trying so hard to care about school. I just don't anymore. It just changed overnight. Three weeks ago, I was a 4.0 student 14 weeks away from graduating, I was so motivated to finish. Now, I'm a 4.0 student on the verge of dropping out and I don't know why.

And what's worse, is I feel disconnected from the world... Just like I did during the deployment. I have no one to talk to. I feel like such a burden to my friends. How can I bug them with this? It's the first nice weekend (weather wise) we have had in ages and I just can't bring myself to call anyone and bring them down by complaining about nothing. That's what this is... nothing. It's such minor problem in the grand scheme of life. School... so trivial.

My husband is gone, so I can't talk to him... He's out in the field, so we can't even talk on the phone... It feels like he's left all over again. A stupid way to think, I know... So pathetic of me.

I spent the whole deployment wishing I had someone to talk to. I couldn't burden my husband. He had more important things to worry about. And I didn't want to burden my civilian friends, they never understood anyway. I had very few military wives to talk to... so no luck there. And really, what was I going to say? "I miss my husband so desperately that sometimes I can't breath." "I dream at night that he is here, and it's so vivid that I wake up confused, then I want to cry that it wasn't true." "I haven't heard from him in 5 days, and I'm not sure he's alive." "I'm scared that I won't survive this." I mean really, who wants to deal with that. I didn't want to bug people, who probably had no idea what I was going through, with my troubles. So I kept it to myself.

That's what this feels like. Maybe it's just me being stupid. Maybe I've finally stressed myself into a breakdown. I don't know. I really don't. But I just can't bring myself to call someone and say... well anything. What am I going to say? "So sorry to bug you, but life has stopped mattering. I don't care about school anymore, my husband isn't here and I just want to quit life." What is anyone going to say about that? Probably, "suck it up." That's really what I should be doing. I should just suck it up.

This all feels so stupid. What does a 4.0 matter anyway? Why was I so determined to have one? I can't remember why it all mattered so much. I'm looking at it all now and thinking, "Really? ! It's just school! Who cares!?" But that is such a shitty attitude to have.

I just wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone I could call and tell this too who would have some words of wisdom for me. But what is anyone really going to say? "Keep at it, you're so close to being done." That's all anyone ever says to me when I talk about school. And it's true, I'm so close. 11 weeks to go. It's not that much.

I just wish I knew why I stopped caring about life. I wish I had someone to help motivate me. I wish my husband was here to remind me why I'm doing this... I really can't remember why anymore. Life would be so much easier if I just dropped out and got a job. Any job would do. School was such a stupid idea...


Blogger Ashleigh said...

I can totally relate. There are hardly ANY military families in my small town and civilians really DON'T understand what a deployment is like. It's hard to feel alone in those feelings. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always available via gmail or gchat! I totally wouldn't feel like you were bugging.
Everyone has their down days, and getting a college education is a LONG process. Trust me, I know. I think it's totally normal to have ups and downs in motivation levels. Totally normal. My advice is to give yourself a two day break from school things - clear your mind. Work out, go to the beach, read a good book, go on a weekend vacation, meditate, pray, get a massage, whatever makes you happy. Then, when you've taken your breather, take a little while to sit down and write your priorities, your reasons why you started your education in the first place - and then take it from there. That way emotions probably won't play such a big part in your decisions, which will affect your grades. You know? Sorry this turned into a really long comment but anyways, I'm here if you need to talk :)
Your bloggy friend,

April 11, 2010 at 1:56 AM  
Blogger Vi said...

Try and keep your head up. Push through your classes. You are almost done. Believe me when I say I know how you feel. The only difference is I have a 3 and 4 yr. old to take care of and they MAKE me jump back to life. I also work in a senior living community with Alzheimer's and Dementia residents. Believe me when I say there is never a dull moment.

My advice to you is remember to do things for yourself. As military wives we often revolve or lives around our spouse. Take yourself to a movie, get a mani or pedi...just have fun. When school gets overwhelming take sometime to yourself. I am not saying procrastinate, but maybe take a bubble bath and take a textbook to read. Or to heck with the books go outside with a drink and relax for 10 to 15 mins and then back to the books.

Don't give up.


April 11, 2010 at 8:00 AM  
Blogger Christina said...

Here is a quote that I always look back on when times get tough. To me, it's the greatest thing ever said by Tupac.

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing...
Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that.
So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up.... and handle it.”

You can't give up. If you do, you'll kick yourself in the ass later. If you finish, You will be proud of yourself, so will your family and especially your husband.
Every day that passes is one day closer to being with him. Force a smile and breathe. Go get a pedicure.. do something for you, but don't give up.

April 11, 2010 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

I don't know if I am quite up to the blog friend status yet but I think I can relate. Somewhat. I have these stretches where for weeks I just wanna quit. I literally do not care about anything. Not friends, being a good wife, keeping up with my dreams, anything. I lay around letting the house fall apart and letting Mr. S. fend for himself. Its pathetic I know. The only way I am ever able to pull myself out of these slumps is by telling myself I have to do it for my hubs. I have to continue on for the sole purpose of making him happy. Even though your lover is gone in field, he is still yours and you are still his. If nothing else, continue on for him because that's what he wants you to do. I am ALWAYS here to listen. I can't offer words of wisdom but I am a fantastic listener. Here I am tooting my own horn (beep beep) but really. Let me know if I can do anything.

♥ Mrs. S.

April 11, 2010 at 2:24 PM  
Blogger LostInLove said...

I just recently started reading your blog and I was touched by the words you’ve written. I’m in school full time, working full time, and dealing with a boyfriend who is working on the other side of the world, and though I may come across as one of those civilians who don’t understand, I can relate to your post.

There have been plenty of times when I felt like the stress of school was just too much, but I know that when I finally graduate the stress will have been worth it. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t focus on the temporary struggles. Imagine landing your dream job and seeing the proud look on your husband’s face when you receive your diploma.

I read a quote recently by Dolly Parton: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." It made me smile because it’s so true. Sometimes we have to struggle to reach our goals but in the end we are stronger because of the obstacles we’ve overcome.

Hang in there – you’ll be a graduate soon!!!

April 12, 2010 at 11:11 AM  

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