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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I broke my golden rule. I blogged angry. I have deleted the blog. I apologize to anyone who may have read it. It is late at night, so I'm hoping none of you did.

I do not work because I go to school full time and my husband kindly asked me to focus on school. We have often discussed my working, especially now that the military has not paid us again, but each time HE comes to the conclusion that he doesn't want me to work. It means money is tight for us, that is true, but only until I graduate. The reason we had to borrow money from my parents is not because we are bad with money. It is simply because we used up all of our back up money the first time we didn't get paid back in September. We never fully recovered, so when the military failed to pay us two paychecks in December/January, we had no place to go but my parents. It was not an easy choice to beg for money. However, we did it and we are fine with our decision.

Let me go back to blogging angry for a minute- I have had this blog for over a year now. In all of that time, I have only had two negative comments come through. I have seen, on blogs that I follow, that that is very lucky. I have seen first hand exactly how mean spirited people can be. I don't know why people feel the need to leave negative comments. I will never understand the ugly side of humanity, but some people do it. I had a pretty horrible comment come through today. I will never understand going to a complete stranger and calling them names. I will never understand going to someone you don't know, who you will never meet and have no need to be around and saying mean things to them. My feeling is that, if you don't like a blog, don't read it. I have encountered many blogs in my life that I didn't agree with. I have never felt the need to say so. I just simply move on to another blog. I encourage all of you that do not like what I have to say, to go somewhere else. No one is forcing you to read my blog.

I worked a job for seven years that showed me the worst side of humanity. I was assaulted by a customer. I was threatened with bodily harm nearly every day. I was called names and spit at. I lost a lot of faith in the goodness of people. I left that job four years ago and struggle every day to see the good in people. Today, I was reminded of how much I struggle with that. My first reaction to an mean spirited person was a rather mean spirited blog. I immediately went back to hating people. However, this blog has shown me the good side of people. Complete strangers have said nice things to me for no reason. People I don't know encourage me in school and pat me on the back. People I will never meet have understood the challenges that come with being married to a Marine, fresh home from war. That proves that there is good in people somewhere.

We all struggle in life. It doesn't really matter what that struggle is. I often blog openly about my struggles. Whether is be school or my husband, I am always honest. That honesty bit me in the butt today. Someone didn't appreciate my honesty about my husband and my struggle to readjust back to married life. He struggles everyday with being a civilian again. He struggles everyday to go to work and interact with people. He works very hard to readjust, not just to life, but to marriage. He forgets sometimes that he is not in charge anymore. He forgets that we are partners. But I struggle too. I grew very used to living alone. A year alone will do that. Having someone in my space all the time, clamoring for my attention is hard. I had very little interaction with people while my husband was gone. Human interaction is a bit hard for me now. I struggle because he hasn't jumped back into life, ready and willing to help. I pray for more patience everyday. I struggle because I missed him and worried about him every second of everyday and sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming that he is even really here. I used to have vivid dreams that he was here holding me, only to wake up confused and sad that he wasn't. Now I have vivid dreams that he is gone again. I wake up and he has already left for work, so I'm not sure what to believe. That is my struggle. That is my reality.

My husband is a hard man to be married to, but I am a hard woman to be married to. I'm sure that if he kept a blog, people would be upset about the things he has to say about me. The truth is, I don't know if anyone in this world could put up with my husband the way I do, and there is definitely no one in this world who would put up with me. We are well suited for each other. It's true I don't work. It's true that I aspire to not work. But that is the life my husband and I chose for ourselves. I am happy to work for as long as he will let me, but I know the day is coming when he will ask me to stay home again. And when that day comes, I will struggle to give up my financial freedom for the role of wife. But I will. I will because it works for us. I will because I love my husband and being there for him and loving him is all I want out of life. And if he wants me home to cook his meals and clean his house and take care of his dog, then that is what I will do. My husbands wants and happiness has always come first in my life... Sometimes in a not so positive way or outcome... but I will continue to do what he asks of me. He has asked that I not work while going to school. I will honor that. He feels it's for the best and we will make due with what we have until I graduate.

Honestly, now that he is back at his civilian job, our money troubles should be over. He makes way more as a civilian than he does as a Marine. It's just a matter of getting caught up now.

I try to never blog angry, but I am human. You may not always like what I have to say, but that's ok. I'm not here to make everyone happy. I never intended for people to read my blog really. It's still sorta weird to me that people do. I have thought many times about making it private. I have thought many times about going offline. I, honestly, don't think I'm all that interesting, so it surprises me that anyone would want to read my blog, let alone get all riled up about it. But two mean comments in over a year isn't bad. I've heard of worse. But I'm here to say that my goal for this blog is to be honest. No matter what. I will always be honest about what I think and what I feel. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me. I'm not asking anyone to like what I have to say. I write this blog for me. I needed a place to vent. I had no one to talk to and no one to relate to and that is why I started this ridiculous blog. No one is forcing anyone to read this. I will not be mad if all of my followers decided to stop following right now. I would still blog.

I will be re-enabling comments. I temporarily disabled them. FYI: I moderate my comments, so if I don't like what you have to say, I won't post it. I have only done that a few times, but I'm not going to post mean spirited things in my comments. And really, I am a person. A person with feelings, thoughts and emotions. Just because you don't know me and have never met me... Just because I am some anonymous blogger, doesn't mean your comments won't hurt my feelings. If you can't say something nice, maybe you should keep it to yourself. Why be mean to a total stranger? What's the point in that?


3 Comments:

Blogger Heidi said...

Oh dear... I'm sorry you got a nasty comment. That is exactly why my blog is privatized. I started my blog the day my husband left for boot camp on October 1. My intentions were to be honest with myself because I knew I would be a wreck, but ha, 8 weeks of boot camp was not the worst I would ever encounter in our at least 6 year journey in the navy. I love that I can look back on the silly things that upset me now that i'm not in a down period and think "wow, that's pretty funny now...". About 3/4 of the way through my husband's boot camp, I got this horrible, nasty comment. It was something among the lines of, "you are not a real navy wife, you are giving an already bad name a worse one, and if your husband is on a surface ship he is sure to leave you."

Well. I am all for constructive criticism (one girl had even commented telling me that I do not have it the worst and try to look on the bright side. That was completely fine with me, she was right! I was just having a pity party.) But this just got me so angry. I wrote a blog lashing out (and much of my blog is whining, but that is why it's for ME, not the world.) I re read it, and then realized - This woman "Army Wife of 8 years", probably had a very unhappy marriage, and an unhappy life, and was lashing out at me because she was jealous.

Now, my husband and I work in a way that some families don't. i don't work or go to school, but I volunteer on base and keep up the entire household. Some women wish they could do that, or they are mad because we are transforming into the 1950's family style and they don't think that's right. Let marriages work how it works best for the couples, I say.

I don't read your blog often but I am subscribed, but I skimmed through your last blog. One thing I can advise you on with money is Navy Marine Corps Relief Society. Is your husband reserves? If he gets called to war again or any time when he is active duty your husband may request assistance through Navy Marine Corps relief society. I am a budget counselor at our society on our navy base so I can give you a lot of information if you'd like more. But basically they keep our servicemembers out of debt and they will either give you a grant or a loan, and loans are allotted out of his check in small increments.

We aim to help the servicemember and his family and to be paid back as long as it doesn't cause a hardship to the SM.

But anyways, I know this is long, but know that there are many women out there to support you. I hate those negative women... They are so miserable in their own lives they have to try to make you miserable too (like you don't have enough to deal with!) I finally just made my blog private and invite through e-mail those who are interested in reading it, and honestly? There are 3 people on mine so far. My mother, my husband, and a friend from high school. That's it. And that's fine with me. If someone expresses interest in my blog, I will add them, but I'm very happy keeping my feelings private since they are mainly for self reflection.

Good luck, dear, and tune out this crazy girls!

February 2, 2010 at 4:17 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Heidi,

I think I used to read your blog. I never felt you were whining or anything like that. I really enjoyed reading it. I seem to recall reading your posts about bootcamp and all of that. If you read this comment, I would love to read your blog again.

If you would like, you can add me as a reader and I would gladly sympathize with you. :) Military life can be hard and it's always nice to have military wives relate to you.

February 2, 2010 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Sorry I just got your comment. I need to log on here more often! I'm going to make my blog public again, but keeping comments only postable after approval. So that should prevent some of this crazy girls from lashing out on me. Hopefully I'll see you around my blog again =D

March 15, 2010 at 4:25 AM  

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