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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: December 2009

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Monday, December 28, 2009

UGH

I'm having a hard week...

Living with my husband, after not living with him for a year, is hard at best. We are getting better, but readjustment is not easy and life is not going smoothly for us. He's been home for three weeks and last week was the first week that I wasn't bogged down by school. Things are definitely better when I have school as a distraction. I don't get as irritated when he doesn't do the dishes or forgets to walk the dog. I'm too busy to really care. But being home, with nothing to do, well, that is different. It's hard to clean up after two people, when one of those people makes messes and never cleans them up... Even though he promised to not do that. And I have nothing to do, but get irritated with him sleeping in until 1pm and playing video games all day when the dog needs to be walked (and he promised to walk her three times a week, so the dog walker could have the month off). GRRR.

It's better than a deployment, right? Right? No one told me it would be easy to readjust. No one said he would be willing to do things my way. No one said he would jump back into life right way. I guess I just thought that things would go more smoothly. Naive, I know.

Plus, I'm having a hard time with school. I keep questioning if I can do this job that I am going to school for. It's emotionally taxing at best. It's a lot of responsibility, you know, having animals lives in your hands. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. It's fun, and I like it, but the more I learn... Well, the more ways I learn how I can do some real damage if I'm not careful. The more I learn, the more I realize how badly I can mess up. It's got me all stressed out.

I'm sure, once I'm back at school, I'll get back in the swing of things and it won't seem so bad. Down time has never been a friend of mine.

I really can't wait to be back at school. Things will be stressful, but less stressful than now. UGH.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Eve!

Well, I'm still sick. I'm going to Christmas tonight anyway. I just can't miss everything because of this cold. I'm not dying anymore, just coughing. I don't think I'm contagious.

We got an HD Tivo for Christmas this year. That was what my husband and I "bought each other"as our gifts. So far so good. We did do stocking stuffers too, but I we waited until the 22nd to buy them, so it was slim pickin's. I usually buy them right away, but between school and being sick, it just didn't happen. Bummer. I think it it will be ok... I managed to get some fun stuff.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas! I'm hoping Christmas this year is a very nice, calm celebration. We did not invite my mother-in-law this year, so that should help my stress level quite a bit... She is... difficult and our relationship with her is strained. I hope she manages to have a good Christmas though.

Have a safe and happy holiday!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Sick

Well, today was the first day of my first week off of school... And I'm sick.

I started to feel a bit iffy last Thursday, so I guess it's no surprise that I'm sick today. It just sucks. Just in time for Christmas.

I'm starting to get a bit of a cough, which usually means asthmatic bronchitis. So, for the next few days, it will be cough syrup and Nyquil. I really don't want to end up in the hospital, which is par for the course, once my cough turns to bronchitis. Damn weak lungs. (grunt)

I have a bunch of homework to do too. I really needed to start it all today, but I just didn't have the energy. My husband is being a good sport, though. He usually does terrible when I'm sick. He pouts that I don't feel up to doing anything and refuses to help me in anyway. He makes me get me own soup and tea and usually gripes if I am too tired to do anything other than lay on the couch. Today, he was good. He made me soup, albeit microwavable soup, but soup none the less. He also took me to get ice cream. Not one of my better ideas, or sick person cravings. It actually made me feel much worse. Then he took me to get McDonald's, also not such a good idea, but when I'm sick, I just can't get over craving crappy food.

From now on, I think I'm sticking to tea and soup. Just to be safe.

Being sick sucks. It is one of the single suckiest things about being alive. I feel very fortunate that I am not sick during school, though. I am very glad of that. I hung on just long enough. Thursday was the day I was at the horse farm, I wasn't feeling great, but I wasn't really sick yet. I was definitely feeling crappy on Friday, but nothing was going to stop me from taking me horseback riding lesson. It had been two months since my last one. So, I guess I'm paying the price of not taking it easy.

Saturday, I had Christmas with my moms side of the family. I really should have skipped it, but my aunt and uncle were in town. They work for the Army Corps of Engineers. They spend most of the year working in Afghanistan, so we don't see them often. I just couldn't miss the opportunity. Not to mention, my husband has never met my uncle. My husband has been doing military things during his last few visits and then he (my husband) was gone for a year (deployed), so it was about time they meet. They really hit it off too. :)

But all of that busyness means that I didn't rest properly and am now paying the price. Sick.

On the bright side, I'm reading a bit, which I haven't done in ages. If I play my cards right, I might even be able to get my husband to give me the TV for a day or two. He has been playing video games pretty much 24 hours a day since he came home on leave. In all honesty? It's driving me crazy! Do something productive already! GEESH!

But it's not so bad having him home. As much as he is driving me crazy, it's still better than a deployment. I just keep reminding myself that these are all the little things I said I missed while he was gone. Man... It's weird how that changes. When he was gone, I would have given anything to have him home driving me nuts, and now that he is, I can't wait until he goes back to work. I guess it's all about perspective. I'm so glad he's home though... even if he is driving me crazy. It's just hard to go from zero to sixty in the matter of a day. It's hard to go from living completely alone, to having someone else here, 24 hours a day, all at once.

It really doesn't help that I've spent the last two weeks, his first two home, buried in schoolwork. And now I'm sick. Not really what I had in mind for our two weeks of time together. I was hoping to get my homework done, and then spend the remainder of my two weeks off with my husband. He promised to help me get better at playing Halo and we were going to watch movies and see friends... If I can manage to get better in the next two days, we may still be able to do that... But that's a big IF. I feel like absolute crap.

Yeah for being sick!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Horse Rescue

Please forgive any typos you may encounter during this post, my fingers are still thawing out.

We started at 1pm and didn't get done until after 6. Oh, and did I mention it was freezing? My feet are completely numb and my hands aren't working very well, but it went so well!

We started by haltering the horses. This should be easy, but they use rope halters. I have never used one and it was a bit tricky to get the hang of it. I've always used a standard halter and that is what we learn in class. We led our horses into the arena and formed a circle so our teacher could watch us all. Haltering is a skill we have to have signed off, so we all had to do it for her.

We did physical exams on all the horses; things like heart rate, respiratory rate, pulse, temp and gut sounds. I was lucky enough to have a rather temperamental horse. When it came time to clean her hooves, also a skill we needed signed off, she flat refused to let us do her hind legs. Normally, I wouldn't take "no" for an answer, but I will never see this horse again, so I let it go. When my partner was doing her front hoof, the horse got irritated it was taking so long and just walked away from her. Well, she tried to walk away. I was holding her pretty tight because I knew she would try that, so she didn't get far. We also had to practice bandaging the leg, which went pretty well. I could have gotten mine a bit tighter, but it's hard to gauge tight versus too tight.

We also had to show all the places we would do an intramuscular injection and their pros and cons. Then we had to draw blood. We had a slight interruption during that time. A horse was feeling colic-y, so a vet had come to treat it. We all got to watch the vet place a nasogastric tube (tube through the nose and into the stomach) and watch her give treatments to the horse. It was basically a mixture of electrolytes, laxatives and mineral oil. Then we all headed back to draw blood.

It was considerably more difficult than drawing from a cat or dog. The vein is much more to the right than you would think and is fairly deep, compared to how it feels. It took me a good six sticks to get it. I couldn't believe me teacher let me try that many times! In small animal medicine, you get three tries and that is all. Large animal medicine is just weird that way. In the end, I did get it, and was pretty proud of myself. I'm not afraid of horses in the least, but I was nervous about getting blood from one. Quite a few of the horses were very difficult to draw blood on because they kept running away. The trick is the poke the horse and draw blood while moving with the horse as it backs away. Not easy to do. My horse, surprisingly, stood rather still for the whole thing. She did move a few times and turn her head, but she wasn't running away.

We didn't really have a ton to do, but it takes a while to get 17 people through all the tasks when they have to be watched. We had two teachers and a fellow student helping with that.

Oh, yeah, we also had to administer dewormer to the horses. My horse really did not want that dewormer. I had a draft horse, a Percheron. So it's already quite a feat to get the syringe in her mouth and follow her head, but when she rears up and tries to run away, it makes it harder. She was so big. Not Clydesdales big, but big. She was also trying to bite at the syringe. Basically, you hold them by the bridge of their nose, to control the head, lay the syringe along the edge of their cheek (tip pointing toward the mouth) and as quickly as possible, shove the syringe into their mouth, as deep back as you can get it and inject the liquid in so they have no choice but to swallow it. My horse was trying to bite the syringe, and thus was almost biting me. The syringes are not big and your hand is practically in their mouth. So I'm fighting, on my tippy toes, to keep the syringe in her mouth as she pulls her head up and away from me (she was slightly rearing and backing away too), my other hand trying to force her head back down, my handler pulling her back toward me so she can't get away, while trying to keep from getting bitten. It was so much fun... It may sound crappy, but I loved it! It took two tries to get all the dewormer in her mouth, but I did it, and she didn't manage to spit any of it back out.

I love large animal medicine. It sucks to have it during winter. It was so cold today. When we go to the dairy, it will be even colder, and it's usually pretty muddy because of the rain. I can't wait for the dairy though. I really want to work on the cows. Our last field trip is to a farm with goats. I am most excited about that. I love goats and really want to own some some day. Pigmy goats to be exact. They are super cute and fairly easy to maintain. Plus, they make great companions to horses, which I also want to own someday.

I originally went to back to school to do large animal medicine. I want to be a tech for a doctor who does farm calls. That would be awesome. I have been thinking, lately, that I might want to go into research. I have lab animals/procedures next sequence, so I will know for sure which one I want to do soon. I feel so torn about it.

Here's my favorite part of the day: I talked to the girl who owns the rescue (and I mean girl, there is no way she is much older than me) and she is looking for volunteers. I can go help with the horses and muck out stalls and the likes. She also needs volunteers to ride the horses. Her horses are a bit green. I don't know if I'm experiences enough to ride them yet, but I will be someday. So I'm thinking about going out and helping there. It would be great experience to put on my resume, and would really help me get my foot in the door at a large animal hospital. So cool. So, not this sequence, but maybe next, I want to start volunteering there. I can't do it with three classes on my plate, but once I'm down to two, it should be do able. YEAH!!!

Yet Another Sleepless Night

I have been lying in bed since 12am. It's now 4:16. I'm giving up on sleeping. I just can't seem to do it (again).

I have a field trip in the morning. We are going to a horse rescue to practice medicine on horses, blood draws, physical exams, and the likes. I really wanted to be rested for it. Steady hands are best when poking large animals with needles, but I guess I will just have to make do.

I'm pretty excited to go work on the horses. Not as excited as I will be for the cows and goats, but horses are pretty cool. Most of the stuff we are doing, I already know how to do because I ride, but it will be neat none the less.

I did go to school today, after getting no sleep and sleeping in really late. I studied for my test and decided to just go for it. It was a super easy test. I'm glad I went in because I would have been pissed to lose 10% off the top of such an easy test. So even though was tired, it was worth going to school.

I'm very excited for my break. I have a ton of homework to do. I have a research paper to, at the very least, start, a final presentation to start (though I would like to finish both of them), some regular homework, a take home test and a ton of reading. Not to mention, I have to prepare for a mid term on the Wend I return, a test on the first Monday back to school and two other tests that same week. It won't be much of a break, but I won't have to get up early to study, so I'm saying it's still a win.

Man, what I wouldn't give to be asleep right now.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Idiopathic dermatitis

So I broke out in a rash the day before yesterday. It was very minor, but over the course of the day it spread, and fast. By yesterday it had engulfed my feet and hands completely. I went to school and in the four hours i was there, it spread up my arms and legs.

I ended up in the ER because my doctor couldn't get me in. All I was told was that it was an allergic reaction to something and that I will probably never know to what.

It itches and burns like hell. On a scale of one to ten, I'm a four for discomfort and pain. I wouldn't go higher than that because I have had a needle jammed into my nerve (for treatment of nerve damage) and that was like a 20 on a scale of one to ten, so my scale is sorta off.

I'm on three drugs and was assured it would go away in two days. If not, I am to go back to the ER for further treatment.

The sucky part? I was up all night at the ER and then looking for a 24 hour pharmacy. Then I had to eat, then finally went to bed. I have a test today. I barely had enough time to study and I still don't have it down 100%. I'm just going to wing it. I would rather get a B because I am tired, then not take it today and automatically lose 10% off my grade no matter how well I do ( it would give me a B even if I got 100%).

Bummer. I didn't so hot on our last test in this class, maybe a B at best, so I really needed an A to boost my grade.

This is my last week of school before winter break. Why couldn't it have happened next week? Why did it have to happen on a night I had a test the next day?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

All nighters

I had to pull an all nighter last night.

At 4 am I watched TV, at 6am I finished some homework. I took a nap at 7. I took another one at 9. I showered and have been studying since 11am.

I must say, no sleep, four cups of coffee and a red bull are not a good idea. I was wound up but couldn't concentrate. I'm still having a hard time. I took a bath and studied while in there and that helped me relax a bit and get some good studying done.

All I know is that I'm going to have a hard time with todays test. All nighters? Not such a good idea. I probably should have gone to bed and just did my best today. If I'm awake for my test it will be a miracle. If I get a decent grade? Purely by God's grace. I'm just not with it today.

Remind me of this next time I decided staying up all night is a good idea.

Monday, December 7, 2009

My letter to "Sharon"

This is what I'm thinking of sending to my friend. I haven't decided if I will or not. It would be fairly mean to do it. I think she will be shocked. We'll see if I ever get the nerve.


Sharon,

Your friend request has been sitting in my inbox for months now. I have been deciding what to do about it. Do I accept and carry one some pretense that we are friends, do I ignore and run the risk of you requesting again, or do I block you?

It has been 8 months since we last spoke directly. The exact day was April 16th. I remember because it was the day my husband left for war.

You were so callous in your treatment of me. You job, ASV, relies on your ability to empathize and sympathize. That Thursday I saw neither of those things from you. You will never understand what it is like to send your husband off to war. You will never know what true worry is until the day your husband lays his life on the line. You will never be able to comprehend the fear that I suffered through for 5 months. And the trouble with you, is that you don't care to.

I asked for a little understanding during a difficult time. I asked for empathy. Empathy is the ability to say, "I don't know what you are feeling, but I know how I would feel if I were in your shoes." Your exact words to me were, "I don't understand how hard it is, because I'm not in the same position, but I do know that I have seen you do very little over the past 6 or so months." There was no thought as to what I was going through, or the fact that I was on a hiatus. There was no empathy from you. You, who claim to have empathy in spades, but you only feel it for people who have lost children. You only feel it for people who have suffered in exactly the same way you have. You have no ability to feel the pain of others, when it really matters to them... And what makes it so horrible, is that you don't care to. You didn't even try with me.

I sent my husband to war. I did not know if I would ever see him alive again. I lived with that fear every day for 5 months. His job was to be shot at. He was literally putting his life on the line, and all I could do was sit at home and wait to hear if he had died. I would go days without hearing from him. When he did call, it was abbreviated, a simple, "Hello, I'm still here and I love. Goodbye." And I knew that that was what was in store for me the day he left, and you chose that day to fire me.

I have suffered a great deal from this deployment. People have said the most insensitive things to me. They have been rude, disrespectful, and hurtful. I actually had a person say to me, "he signed up for it, so whatever happens to him over there is his own fault." A horrible thing to say, indeed. However, your actions and your words remain the single, most hurtful, most insensitive thing anyone said or did to me in the entirety of the deployment, possibly in my entire life.

You will never know how overwhelming it is to say goodbye to your husband, and to hug him and kiss him and not know if it will be the last time you ever do those things. And while I was suffering emotionally from that pain, while I was reeling from the trauma of having just said goodbye to my war bound husband, you felt it was appropriate to fire me. And you did it with no thought, no emotion, no sympathy. You were callous and uncaring. You were so busy fretting over your bankruptcy and foreclosure that you could not see a life and death situation right in front of your eyes. Your were so self-absorbed that you were unable to be there for someone you claimed as a best friend.

My honorable husbands puts his life in danger, so that ungrateful people like you can live to be self-centered. You have your rights, but you don't care about the sacrifices of those who give them to you. My husband, and because of that, I, make that sacrifice, and you threw it in my face carelessly.

At least the people who were rude to me, who were insensitive, were usually trying to be nice. Their compliments may have been inexpertly delivered, but underneath their careless, callous words, was a heart. They were trying to live life in my shoes for a second. You never even bothered, and yet you expected me to feel sympathy for your situation. Your dire financial situation, that was of your own making. You spent your way into bankruptcy and expected my heart to bleed, but you didn't give my husbands life a second thought. If those are your priorities as a human being, then you are not someone I ever care to be friends with.

The right thing to do, would have been to listen to my pain. It would have been to put yourself in my shoes for a minute. It would have been to wait until the dust had settled from my husbands departure to ask if I was still up to the task of being the Director of Resource and Development, but you gave me no such consideration.

The atrociousness and horribleness of your behavior and words have stuck with me. It is something I will never forget.

I changed my email and never gave you the new one. I ignored your forwarded emails, and now I am ignoring your friend request. In the 5 months that my husband was gone, you never once contacted me to see how I was doing, how I was holding up. If my 8 months of silence towards you was not a clear enough indication, let me leave you with no doubt... I do not want to be friends with you. I will never forgive you for how you treated me. You abandoned me at one of the most crucial, defining moments of my life. You refused to empathize. You refused to be a friend. You showed me your true colors. You are not someone I would ever care to be friends with. I want a friend who will be there for me when times are tough, someone who cares enough about me to try to understand the pain I am going through. You did neither of those things. You proved to be the most selfish and self-centered person I have ever met. I don't need friends like that in my life. You have absolutely no idea what it means to be a friend. If you did, I would still be speaking to you.

"It's not personal, it's business, " right? Well, it was personal to me. I took my job at ASV personally. I did it as a personal favor to you. I took my leave of absence for personal reasons and it was for personal reasons that I was unable to make those phone calls. It was 100% personal to me.

I do not want to be friends with you. I never want to hear from you again. Do not contact me ever again. There is nothing you can do to make amends in anyway, and knowing you, you probably still don't think you did anything wrong.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

PS.

This girl that I was talking about, who turned out to be a terrible friend...

Just FYI: She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and was in the running for maid of honor, but was unable to do it because she had just had a baby.

Insult to injury.


I need an opinion

When my husband deployed, I fell apart. I was an emotional train wreck for at least four days.

I don't know if I have shared this story/history with you, but I will now.

I met my friend, we'll call her "Sharon" when I was in the third grade. We went to different schools but played basketball on the same team. We absolutely hated each other. I don't know why. Who knows what kinds of disagreements eight year olds have.

I left that team and didn't think about her again until junior high school. We just so happened to attend the same one. We were in accelerated classes together. We were still holding third grade grudges, so we didn't speak. That is until I started dating a boy in our class. He was not a popular boy, just an everyday boy, but she happened to be madly in love with him and until recently, thought he felt the same. This made it harder for us to be friends.

Fast forward two years when said boy breaks my heart. We bonded over what jerk he was and have been friends ever since. We ran in different circles, but always stayed in touch. After high school, we floated in and out of each others lives semi-regularly. Around the time I got engaged, I had floated back into her life. We were quickly becoming best friends.

She runs a non-profit organization. I needed something non-wedding to do to de-stress. So I started going to her house to fold pamphlets. This turned into stuffing envelopes and soon I was her right hand man. I worked mostly from home because she was an hour away and I was planning a wedding. I won't go into all I did, but basically anything she didn't want to do I did. I also was in charge of procuring items for our annual auction.

It is now after the wedding and my husband is getting ready to deploy. She tells me I absolutely have to be at a function. It was basically stuffing envelopes, but for whatever reason, I just had to be there. This happened to be the day my husband was leaving for base. It was some time during last December and he wasn't going to be able to come home for a while. But I agreed to go for a short period of time on the condition that I could leave early. While I was there, I told her I needed to leave because my husband was leaving. I don't remember how the conversation went, but she basically told me that she was under the impression that this was the day he was leaving for good. As in, going to Iraq. The idea that she would insist that I be at a function on the eve of what she thought was a final farewell, should have been a huge red flag to me, but I'm a bit naive, oblivious and overly trusting. My husbands finds a fault with that trait in me all the time.

I started school, my husband moved out and we were getting ready for a deployment. That is a lot of stress, so I told her that I needed to take a hiatus from the organization. A step back, if you will. And I did. I did very little work over the next few months.

Fast forward to April 14th, 2009. I am living in a hotel. I am soaking up every tiny bit of liberty that my husband is getting. He is leaving in two days for Iraq. I received an email from her asking me to call some people for the org. I am out of town and missing school. I am doing as much school work as I can in between spending time with my husband. I'm a bit busy. So I tell her that I'm not sure I can make the calls. She tells me that she needs to know, because if I can't, she will need to find someone else to do it.

April 16, at 2pm, my husband boards a bus to take him to the airport. He will be flying out to Iraq. I have said my final goodbyes, hugged him for the last time, kissed him with all my might and am driving home sobbing. My cell phone died, so I couldn't call and talk to anyone about it. I just cried the whole three hour drive home. When I got home, I was a wreck. I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. I was numb, but painful. I see, in the email inbox, that her email is still there asking me to make the calls. I email her and explain that I am a wreck and just can't take on anything else right now. I will not be able to make the calls and she will need to find someone else to do it, I said that I hoped she would understand what I am going through.

This is what she emailed me:
"I actually don't understand. All I was asking was 8 phone calls before May. I think we are canceling the auction. I just can't do all this alone. I'm also going to be disabling your email and taking your picture off the website. It's nothing personal, we just have other people who are really pulling their weight and deserve a "title". I'm sorry you are going through so much, trust me, we are going through a lot here too, but you are either a Director of Resource Development or not. I know this probably sounds horrible but it's something that needs to be done. I'd be happy to have you as a volunteer occasionally still, but you are no longer showing that you are "volunteer staff"."









I replied:

"I had hoped you would understand how hard it is to send your husband to war. I see that I was wrong. I did a lot for the auction and for you in the time that I have been with ASV. But to be honest, my personal life is taking presedence. My husband is going to war and putting his life on the line. Forgive me for being a bit selfish right now.

I'm sorry that you don't understand how hard this is."

She replied:
I don't understand how hard it is, because I'm not in the same position, but I do know that I have seen you do very little over the past 6 or so months

Yes, very little, during an extended HIATUS! And the part about not understanding? How about not even trying to understand. It's called empathy and apparently she lacks it. She cut off my email and removed me from the staff portion of the website... She fired me. On the day that my husband left for war.

I wrote her a curt email letting her know that my intention was to go back to her org, but that I would no longer be doing that because I now know that I will be receiving very little empathy or understanding. I told he to remove me from all lists and contact information.

She wrote back that it's not personal, it's business. And that she still considers me a friend.

Here's my dilemma:
I do not consider her a friend in any way shape or form. How could I? Someone who was supposed to be my best friend fires me the day my husband leaves for war, from a volunteer position, with no empathy, over 8 phone calls that anyone could have made. She flat told me that she would not understand what I was going through. What kind of person does something like that? It was personal. It was completely personal. I was on a break from my job, so of course I wasn't doing much. The reasons I couldn't make the phone calls and was on the break were personal reasons. My husband was leaving for war and I didn't know if I would ever see him again. It can't get more personal then that.

She has continued to email me. Not directly, but forwarding me things. She has also tried to befriend me on Facebook. I have not ignored it because I don't want her to keep sending the request. I have just left it in my inbox for months.

I want nothing to do with her. She abandoned me at the worst of times. She showed what kind of friend she really is. She never once emailed me during the deployment to see how I was doing. I heard nothing from her and after what she did, I'm not that upset about that.

But what do I do now? I thought I made my intentions clear in my reply to her. I was cutting all contact. I didn't even give her my new email address. She has been emailing me at the one she told me she cut off.

I want to express to her that we are no longer friends and why. I want her to understand exactly why. Empathy. That's why. Empathy is the ability to say, "I don't know what you are going through, but I know how I would feel if I were in your shoes." She lacks it. To actually tell me that because her husband is home, she couldn't possibly understand is one of the most insensitive things anyone said to me during the whole of my deployment. "I can't imagine how tough this must be for you, " fine. "I know how I would feel and I'm sorry," ok. But to not even try to see my pain is ridiculous. I want to express all of this, but there is no way I could do it nicely. I think I could be curt. I think I could be distant. I think I could be cold. But I don't think I could be polite.

So how do I tell this girl to get out of my life? I don't want to discuss it with her. I don't want to leave the door open at all. I want to tell her why we are not friends, and tell her to leave me alone. But I'm just not that kind of person. She is so sure that she did nothing wrong, that I think she would be shocked to receive an email from me saying something like that. And I just don't know if I could write it. I've tried being passive aggressive. I ignore her emails, I un-friended her on Myspace, but she just doesn't get it. It's been 8 months since I have spoken to her in any way and when I spoke to her last, I was not friendly.

UUHHHGGG! What do I do? I need some opinions.

Another sleepless night

It is now 6 am. I got tired of trying to fall asleep around 4am. My cut off is usually 3am, but I stayed up until 2 today.

This insomnia thing is really starting to wear me down. I have been on so many sleep medications. Ambien is a beautiful thing. I love it. I would fall asleep instantly. It's short acting, so no hangover and I would sleep pretty well. I would still wake up in the middle of the night three or four times, but I usually fell right back asleep. But it turns out I'm allergic to it, so I had to stop taking it.

It has been a long journey to find something that works. Most meds don't make me sleepy, but when I do finally fall asleep, they make me sleep for like 12 hours. Then I'm all groggy and crappy when I wake up. My doctor is trying a different route this time. He gave me some benzo's.

For those of you unfamiliar with benzodiazepines, they are strong anti-anxiety and sedatives. Valium falls under this category. They are habit forming. So, I take a lower dose of just two and can only take them 50% of the time. That averages out to be about three times a week. If I take them more often, my body will build up a tolerance and I will have to start taking more, hence the habit forming. So I take two and wait about a hour before heading to bed. They don't make me tired. They just really relax me, so my natural tiredness can take over.

Most of my insomnia is caused by my inability to turn my brain off at night. I make lists. I sit in bed, trying to sleep, but make lists of things I need to do, stuff I need to remember, what I need at the grocery store, what my teacher said in class today, who I need to call back, bills I need to pay etc etc. If I have a test the next day, I really can't sleep. I doze off and on while dreaming about taking the test and lie in bed thinking about what might be on it and quizing myself on the material. I will do this all night and never sleep a wink. So my doctor started trying to find sleep meds for me.

I never used to be this way. I used to be able to fall asleep no matter where I was, what time of day or what was going on. Then my wedding happened. I started getting stressed. I never used to be a stressful person. I was very easy going, but the wedding had me crazy and I never calmed back down. I miss being that easy going person. Life was so much simpler back then, when I didn't worry about anything. Of course, I had significantly fewer responsibilities back then too.

So here I am, only sleeping about three days a week. On the bright side, it makes me a very productive person. In a few hours I will start homework and be done by the mid afternoon in stead of going all night. On the down side, I did, in fact, take my sleep medication this evening. I'm not sure why it didn't work. It hasn't failed me yet. I may not sleep all through the night, but I can get a good 5 hours out of it at least. I'm really hoping that this isn't a trend. I have this knack for taking sleep medications and having them work really well for about a week, then having them stop working all together. I hope that is not what is happening this time.

Insomnia is a tricky thing to treat. It's a huge bummer to have. I'm tired all the time. I get drained and overwhelmed very easily because I don't have enough sleep. My focus goes in and out, which makes school kinda hard for me. I wish I could nap, but if I nap in the middle of the day, I lose all hope of sleeping at night. I'm just not that kind of person. My husband is an excellent napper and I envy him immensely.

Oh the joys of insomnia. Someday, I will sleep. Someday, I will get a full 9 hours a day, no worries or stress. Someday, I will lay my head on my pillow and be out like a light, just like my husband. He claims the military trained him to sleep on a dime. Get it while you can, they say. So he does. I wish I could do that. He closes his eyes and is asleep within a minute, no exaggeration. Someday, that will be me. It has been 8 weeks since I had a good nights sleep. It has been three years since I consistently had a good nights sleep. I do have the odd day, where I fall asleep at a decent time and stay asleep all night. But mostly, I lie in bed for three or so hours, hoping to fall asleep, watching the clock for my 3am cut off time. And when I do fall asleep, I wake up three or four times a night and have to try to fall back asleep. And three days a week, I have to be up early to study for tests, so falling asleep on time is important.

In my youth, I never appreciated how good sleep was. I guess you never know what you have and how good you have it, until you lose it. And I have lost my ability to sleep.

Friday, December 4, 2009

My brother...

Until now, none of you knew that I have a brother. We are estranged and have been since I was a teenager.

I will not go into it. Just suffice it to say that he is an extremely bad person who did very bad things while I was growing up and I choose to not have him in my life.

I do not look at this as a loss in anyway. I am not missing out by not having him in my life. What he put me through and the life I had because of him is unforgivable. Maybe someday, I will blog about it, but right now, it's a bit too personal for the world to know. I generally don't share it with people. I generally don't tell people I have a brother.

I am perfectly happy without him in my life. I don't miss him. I don't think about him and wonder how he is doing. He has been out of my life for so long that it's not even a second thought. Many of my friends don't even know I have a brother.

Recently a few people have found me on Facebook that share a connection with my brother. They know us both, or I know them through my brother. I am assuming my brother does not have Facebook or Myspace page. I get these messages from these people asking me how he is, and I simply reply that we are estranged and share what little information I know about him. That info is this:

He lives somewhere in WA. He may or may not live with his currently girlfriend who is at least 25 years older than him (I have met her and don't care for her). He has a 10 year old son, who I am in contact with and love dearly. Last I heard, he has been clean for 3-4 years, but is not in a program.

That is it. I don't know how to contact him, I don't know where he lives. I don't think he has a job, or he didn't last I heard. That is all the information I have to offer to the world.

It is no ones business why we are estranged. To spread it around would be to bad mouth him and I am better than that. I think most people would be shocked as to my reasons. No one who knows them blames me. No one who has heard about him thinks I am doing anything wrong. He has most of the world fooled, but not me. I know exactly what kind of person he is, and I choose not to have the person in my life, but when I politely tell people, in the kindest way possible, that we are estranged, their reply is always the same... "I'm sorry to here that."

Why? You have no idea why we are estranged. Why would you automatically assume that it's a bad thing? For all you know, he murdered people. He could be a rapist or killer. You haven't heard from him or talked to him since he dropped out of school in the 10th grade. You don't know anything about him. You don't know one thing. He is 28 years old now. You haven't seen him or heard from him in over 13 years. You have no idea what kind of person he is or what he has been up to for the last decade.

I have my reasons and they are all valid. The things he has done are unforgivable. I don't completely discount him. Maybe one day he will make amends. Maybe one day he will ask for forgiveness. Who knows? I don't know that I would give it to him, to be honest.

But when someone says they are estranged from a person, it's not alway over something trivial. It's not always some long drawn out battle of wills. Sometimes it is for valid reasons. Sometimes it is for the best. Sometimes it is a good thing.

Why do people always want to get in the middle of things? One person asked me about my brother, I told them we are estranged and she said, "yeah, your brother told me that." Well, if you already knew, why are you asking? Do you get some sick pleasure out of meddling in other peoples affairs?

My brother is a bad person. He always has been. He does not have a good heart, or good intentions. He is just a bad person, there is no other way to put it. And what he has done in his life, he will have to answer for in his next.

It is not my place to set people right about him. I don't feel the need to slander him to everyone I meet. I don't feel the need to talk about him at all. A few close friends know about him and that is enough for me. I will not go around and tell the world about him. For one thing, it is not my place to. For another, it would make most people very uncomfortable hearing about intimate details of my painful past unabashed. So I keep it to myself and simply say that we are estranged.

That should be enough for people. Let it go. Just because you thought you knew someone when they were 14 or 15 years old, doesn't mean you know that person at all. And don't always assume that estrangements are sad or painful or bad. My estrangement it good. It kept me safe. It helped me move on. I don't want him in my life and I am not sad that he isn't.

People will always surprise you. People will shock you with what they can do, good and bad. Never assume anything about people you meet until you really get to know them. You never know what is lurking underneath their exterior. I know what is under my brothers, and I choose not to have the kind of awfulness in my life. No one who knows my reasons will ever tell me I am wrong.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Oh Man...

My husband has been home for a week. 24 hours a day. He's driving me crazy! I love him, but... Is there such a thing as too much time together? I'll get used to it I'm sure.

School... Oh man. I was doing great. Have a test tomorrow that I was all set to study for. Then one of our other teachers announces that we are also having a test in her class tomorrow, with only one day to study for it. Oh, and she wants us to write a paper by tomorrow. I really was hoping to get some sleep. Oh well. I can sleep on Saturdays, right?

I want apologize to all my fellow bloggers. I do not read anyones blog anymore. I just don't have time... I glance at them occasionally to see how things are going, but have not had a spare moment to actually read a blog since I started school again. Sorry for my absence. I don't blame anyone for not reading mine in that case.

I don't know how much longer I will have time to blog. I used to blog everyday. Now, I'm lucky if I do it a few days a week. And with how many papers I'm writing (I'm up to a research paper and a 9 page paper for large animal, plus a bunch of little ones here and there) I just don't know if I will have any spare time for blogging anymore.

I really want to give it a go. I really hope that this is not the end. But I may take a hiatus. We'll have to see. But really, I'm not interesting anymore. LOL. School is my whole life. It's not that fun to read about. But who knows, with the hubby home for 41 days of leave, 24 hours a day, I may have something interesting to blog about yet.

YEAH!

I'm super busy with school and the holidays. Bummer.

But I met with my teacher last night about my failed final. I wanted to see where I went wrong. I thought I had missed a question and entered all the following questions in wrong on the bubble sheet.

It turns out, she entered my grade wrong! I actually got a 90% on the final, not a 77%! I got a 98% in the class, not a 94%! I'm so stoked! I didn't fail my final!

And I managed to get an A in surgery too. My toughest class by far. I messed up on the final. I got home and realized that I entered a sequence of event in the wrong order. It was a stupid mistake to make. But I managed to get a 90% on that final in spite of that. I needed an A to keep my 95%, but the B lowered it 93% which is just on the edge of an A. I don't care. An A is an A!

Now I just have to do it all again this sequence!

WHEW! What a relief that I didn't fail that final!