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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: June 2009

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I battled a cat today

I won, by the way...

We had a fractious cat in the clinic today. He had a skin tag that was bleeding on his hind leg. I was called in to make a "kitty burrito." Basically, I go in with a towel and wrap the cat up like a burrito so the doctor can look at him. I wondered if I needed the cat gloves. These are leather gloves, with padding, we use to handle angry/fractious cats so we don't get bitten and scratched. I was assured by the doc that this cat was all hiss and no bite.

Boy was she wrong! The cat was hissing and growling before we even touched it. I wrapped him up and he continued to vocalize. When the doc went to touch his bleeding skin tag, the cat flipped out. He bit me through the towel, hard. Luckily, the towel was so thick that the bite didn't break skin, but it hurt like a bitch. I grabbed him tighter, as he fought, and he began to claw at me. Again, the towel was there, so no damage done.

Then he began to get loose. I warned the doc that I was losing my grip and that she should step back. As I lost control of the cat he bit at me one more time. This time he made contact with my unprotected arm. Luckily he was moving as he did this and it just bruised me up. I have a lump and bruise where his tooth ripped at my skin. I got back quickly and he made no more moves to get me.

We gave the owner some options and he opted for surgical removal of the tag. We put the kitty in our "fractious cat box." This is a box that we put angry cats in when we need to anesthetize them. It's just a plexiglass box that we pump full of anesthesia. Boy was he pissed about the box!

But we did the surgery and he went home without biting anymore people.

I got bit by a dog too, but it was more mouthing so it didn't do any damage. But I was pretty proud of getting the best of that damn cat. He was a monster and everyone else was afraid to handle him after he bit me!

I would battle him again. LOL :) I got the best of him once, I know I will win the next time too!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Feeling depressed...

Not to over shadow my wonderful book review, but I'm feeling a little down right now.

I have set out on a new mission to find blogs written by military wives. More so, I'm looking for wives with deployed spouses.

I have found quite a few. It has been nice to see that I am not alone... However, the words R&R keep coming up.

For those of you who don't speak military, R&R is rest and relaxation. It is a period of time that deployed servicemen get to go home to visit family, friends, the hot flight attendant they met on the plane ride to Iraq... Whomever they choose. Usually this is ten days to two weeks. Depending on the branch of the military. I have heard of longer R&R, but am generally unfamiliar with it.

My husband does not get R&R. The Marine Corp doesn't believe in it, I guess. They are the toughest of the tough and apparently that means they don't need a break to go home. Now, it also means that my husband is not on an extended tour. I am thankful for that. He will not be gone for 15 months with three, three month extensions, like they like to do in the Army. He is on active duty orders for one year and in country (in country means in the war zone) for seven to eight months... We hope. He has been living away from home since December first. That means I am half way through his activation. It also means, that I am ONLY half way through his activation.

But no R&R sucks... There is no half way point break. He isn't coming home for a while to say hi. No quicky vacation or family BBQ. Nothing.

I love to read others blogs about deployments, but am growing increasingly jealous of that fact that they have all gotten to see their husbands.

I love being a military wife. More importantly, I love being a Marine Corps wife, but this is one of those things I hate about the Marine Corps. Toughest of the tough. Baddest of the bad. Bravest of the Brave. But no love for the wives.

"If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one." I guess that is all too true.

A Year of LIving Biblically

I was recently asked to start reviewing books on my blog. This may be because I read too much, or it may be my great taste in books... I don't know. Probably the first thing. I don't think I have great taste in books. However, it was an interesting idea, and I love to hear about new books, so I decided to give it a try.

The first book I will be telling you about is: A Year of Living Biblically: One Mans Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible.

This is a great book. One of the best books I have read in a long time. A J Jacobs is as insightful as he is honest.

Though born Jewish, Jacobs has no real faith and does not practice his religion. He is married and has a young son. I believe he is three during this book. He is a stay at home dad, who decides to live the bible as literally as possible. He reads the old testament and writes down all the rules. I mean all of them, even the out dated and not practiced rules, there are over 700 of them. It would be impossible for him to live them all simultaneously, so he works on a few at at time adding them to his list as he goes. He does things like, not cutting the corners of his hair, he grows a mountain man beard and wears all cotton. The last one is something about not wearing blending fabrics... Who knew!? He prays every day and partakes in some pretty out there rituals. There's one about slaughtering chickens, but you have to wave them over your head first or something weird like that. (honestly, it's been a few months since I read the book, so I'm not wholly accurate)

My favorite part of the books is when he stones an adulterer. I won't give away the story, but suffice it to say, it is a hilarious anecdote. I have told that story a hundred times and it always gets a laugh.

He doesn't set out to destroy religion. He is not trying to prove that it's out dated or that it is silly. He is simply trying to see if he can live the bible literally. He is actually quite respectful of religion during this whole process. He even has a religions/spiritual council that he confers with. It's made up of priests, rabbis and reverends.

I haven't laughed so hard at a book in a really long time. He is so funny.

This is actually a follow up book to his first best seller titled, Know It All: One Mans Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. In this book he spends a year reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. I haven't read it, but I just bought it and will post a review of it when I'm done.

If any of you choose to read this book, Please comment and let me know. I would love to hear your thoughts! (even if you don't like it)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Life

Life is a funny thing... It can end when you least expect it and it often changes without notice.

My life is changing. I will start at the beginning... This might be long, so consider yourself warned.

I do not have the belief that I will live forever, as many youngn's in their mid 20's do. I had the misfortune of losing some very dear friends at a rather young age. When I was just out of high school, I lost three good friends back to back.

First, my friend Ivy. She was a beautiful person. She went camping and died in a car accident on the way home. She was the only person to die because the tree they hit, hit right where she was sitting. I found out about this while I was at work. I was devastated. I had loved her more than she will ever know. She was the kindest person I knew and didn't deserve to die so young. I was heartbroken for years. In fact, it wasn't until the recent past that I was able to think of her without crying or being angry with God that she is gone.

The weekend of her funeral, I was somber. I was at work, I can't remember why, when I received news that my other good friend had been in a car accident that day (the day of her funeral). He was in a coma. Due to a childhood ailment, he was unable wear a seatbelt and was thrown from the car. He lived for a week and died. I had been convinced that he would live purely because Ivy had just died. God wouldn't do that to me and my friends. Not so soon. I was disenchanted when he died. I lost a lot of faith. How could God do that? I didn't understand at the time. I still don't.

To make these deaths worse, they were actually the second and third death of the year for me. This was in September and that previous summer I had lost a friend. Bo. He was one of the first drownings of the summer. I found out because I was watching the news and they were playing a list of names of those who had drowned. I did not attend his funeral. I couldn't do it. I was in shock at having known someone who died. He was a good man. I once told him that my favorite song was the classical Moonlight Sonata. He learned to play it for me, on the piano. He then entered the talent show using that as his entry. It was touching. I laughed often with him. He was more wonderful than I have time to explain.

I understand in a way that many don't, how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I do not pretend to understand death at all. I do not pretend to be prepared for it. I still have a good healthy fear of it, as most people do. But I understand that we all die. It's a part of life. From the day we are born, we are dying.

I don't know when my husband will die. I would hope that it won't be until we are old. I also plan on dying first. :) However, I think about his death often.

When he told me he was going to deploy, I began planning his funeral. I needed to have an idea of what was going to happen, just in case. I will be in no shape to put a funeral together in the event of his death.

This changes your life in ways that are indescribable.

I live my life in life and death. Each day, I am cautiously optimistic that he has survived. But I know how quickly that can change. I have heard stories of women who speak with their husbands on the phone and with in hours the Chaplain is at their door, telling them that their husband is gone.

As a young woman, though I am closer to 30 than 20, this is a strange reality to live in. Most people take for granted that their husbands will come home at the end of the day. I don't. I do not know if my husband will live to see the end of this war.

Things that used to be important began to fade into the background of my life. School was the first to do this. I lost interest in being a good student. Why was an A so important when my husband might die. It was a very dramatic way to feel, but I began to feel that way, none the less.

In the past month, I have begun to cope with this. I rarely think of my husbands safety anymore. Worry is such a useless emotion. I can worry myself sick, but it won't change what will or will not happen over there.

This is also a life changing attitude to have. Maybe it's denial, I don't know. But I have moved past worry to a place of acceptance. I accept whatever is coming my way, good or bad. I can't change what the fates or God have in store for me, so I just don't think about it.

Living in a state of heightened, let's call it "awareness," is stressful. I just couldn't handle the stress of it anymore.

So now, I'm in a very weird place. Everyday is life or death with me. But I don't worry about it or fear it. It just is. My life keeps changing and I'm finding that I'm able to accept that change without complaint... I no longer fight it.

I bring this up because today I had a weird day. I spoke to my husband for a long time. He called three or four times today. That is really unusual. We spoke for up to an hour at a time. Also unusual. But once I was off the phone with him, I began to wonder... Why was today different? Then I found out.

I received a letter from him today. He doesn't write often. But it told me that he is running missions. This I knew, but apparently they are running them often. More often than I knew. I don't know what he does. He can't tell me that. But I doubt it's walking old ladies across the street. I began to worry again.

His phone calls seemed to be fate preparing me for this letter. i know he is safe, for now. But I now know, that he is in more danger than I thought. Such a weird feeling. I'm worried, but not really. I can't bring myself to worry.

This post is sorta rambling, I'm not sure how to put into words how I am feeling today. It's not worry, but it's not calm. Is there a word for that?


Does this weird life I'm leading make any sense to anyone?

Friday, June 26, 2009

I was tagged

Ok, so when all this crazy drama about my blog started I was tagged by a fellow blogger.

The Honest Scrap award or something like that. I don't know, sounds like a chain letter type thing to me. I'm supposed to tag 10 bloggers too. I won't be doing that. I don't like the idea of my blog being used as junk mail... However, the idea was intriguing to me. I'm supposed to post 10 things about me that you, my readers, don't know. Not a bad idea.

1. I think stupid should hurt. Like physically, gut wrenchingly, hit in the head with a wooden baseball bat, painful. I can't stand stupid people, and stupid drivers are even worse.

2. I love my husband more than I love myself... But I hate sharing a bed with him. I like to sleep in the middle. I just don't think there is a bed in this world big enough to accommodate my need to sleep in the middle of the bed and still have room for him to sleep comfortably.

3. I wanted to be an FBI profiler. I was going to school to get my degree in criminal psychology when I met my husband and dropped out. I still want to go back and finish my degree some day, even if I never make it to the FBI.

4. I used to be a massage therapist. A very good one in fact. I owned my own business and worked at a spa. I was very successful. But I didn't enjoy doing it as much as I thought I would, so after four years, I gave it up.

5. I read more books than any one person should read a year. But I never read anything that is too thought provoking. I like to read for fun, so I read fun books. Crime, some classics, I have even been known to dabble in teenybopper fandome. Oh, and I love Harry Potter so much, I sometimes wish I was still a teenager and a wizard. LOL! But I always feel guilty that I don't read anything smart.

6. I am afraid of the dark. Terrified. There is always a light on somewhere in my house. I can't leave the room without turing on the light in the next one. Mostly, I'm afraid of running into, or touching a spider and not being able to see it.

7. I am also deathly afraid of spiders. Even little ones. It's very hard to have my husband gone, he is my spider killer and hero because of that.

8. I watch less than an hour of TV a day... Even on the weekends. I try to watch more, but I get bored. I'd rather read or goof around on the computer. (Hence two blogs in one day)

9. I own over 400 movies. I would own more, but my husband and I decided to stop buying movies to save money. It's an expensive habit. But I love movies and movie trivia too. No one will play Scene it with me, I always win.

10. I cross stitch and scrap book in my spare time. I'm the ultimate nerd. I have no social life. :)

So there it is. A list of 10 things you didn't know about me and probably didn't want to know about me. :)

I'm back, sorta.

I have some new restrictions... I won't go in to them. They aren't too bad. But I can blog again.

I started a new blog, but couldn't get it to look right. I was really unhappy with it. I told my husband this and he conceded that I could keep my original blog, with modifications.

I had to remove his name and our last name from everything. No hometown either. Not a big deal. I'm so happy to be back! I know it was only for a few days, but I feel relieved.

Some people commented on my 'goodbye' posts and gave me some great ideas. I told these ideas to my husband and he was much more receptive to my blogging if I did these things. So thanks to all of you who helped support me.

On a more personal note... My husband and I have agreed that fighting during a deployment is ridiculous. Lately things have been tense, but that seems so silly. We live half a world away from each other and it's a shame to waste a phone call home on arguing. So it sounds like there will be no more 12:30 am arguments. WHOO HOO! I think our talk was really great. We are both so stressed and it will make life so much easier if we just focus on talking and missing each other. There is nothing either of us can do about the distance or situation. Why fight it. So that was really great.

I also had a really great week at work. I got to do a dental for the first time. It was really neat, but totally gross. This dog needed a dental really badly. Not the grossest thing I have done, but I wish people took their pets teeth more seriously. I brush my dogs teeth. Not all the time, but I do do it. I'm not saying everyone has time for that. It's a bit silly, but I just extracted 5 teeth from that dogs mouth. All because of poor dental care. I never want that to happen to my dog. I can't even begin to describe how gross this dogs mouth was... Nor would it make much sense, because I have no idea how to talk about it without using medical jargon. Let me just please insist that you take good care of your pets teeth. Feed them a high quality food. Lots of chew toys, like raw hides or beef tendons and rope toys that help floss. Don't feed your pet "pet candy." These are cheap treats that you buy at the grocery store that have no nutritional value. And if you can, try to brush you animals teeth with a good ANIMAL toothpaste. Human toothpaste is not good for animals. I brush ever month or so. I tried to do it every week, but my dog wasn't having it. Even once a month is better than nothing. And be sure to have your vet check their teeth out at their vet visits. Dogs and cats should not have smelly breath, that is a sign of dental disease.

Ok, I'm off my high horse. I promise, I will try not to preach too often about things like that... But words can't describe how gross this dogs mouth was...

Anyhoo, I'm glad to be back... My husband was very understanding about how important my blog is to me. And I'm glad we were able to reach a good middle ground.

Deployments still suck, but it's nice to know that marriages don't have to suck along with them and that there is still a way to communicate effectively, even with a war and an ocean between you.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

This will be my last blog.

I am going off line as of today. In a few days this blog will be set to private and I will no longer be allowing readers.

Thanks for reading.

I hope you all continue to blog, I will continue to read!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The end of my blog?

I have opened the door for discussion with my husband.

I have told him that I don't want to delete my blog and that I want us to find some middle ground.

I don't know how to blog and not blog about him sometimes. That is what is really bothering him. I am exposing him to the world. He hates that. But him and this deployments are key things in my life.

I don't know what I'm going to do... Maybe make it invitation only. Only certain people can read it. I don't know. But I just don't see how I can not blog anymore. It's my outlet. My release. I put all my crap here that I don't have room for in my life. Yes, it is very personal and honest. But isn't that the point? Isn't that why people read it? Because I am willing to say the things that they are thinking. I'm willing to put it all out there, no matter how shitty it is.

I'm willing to be honest about deployments and the military. All the crappy things that come with that... And the good. Life sucks sometimes, I never deny that.

I don't know how to resolve this. I don't know how to make him see that this is good for me. I respect what he is saying, but I don't like it. If he really insists, then I will, with a heavy heart, delete my blog. But shouldn't there be a compromise? Isn't that what marriage is all about.

So maybe this won't be the end of my blog... We can all hope for the best, right?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Trying to go out with a bang

Ok, so this new revelation that my husband hates my blog is a troubling one.

I have relied so heavily on blogging lately to get my feelings out that I feel sorta lost now that I am faced with deleting it.

So, I am going to post a few more times, but will probably be done by the end of this coming week. Sucky. Blogging is cathartic for me. It's a place to air all of my crap that I otherwise don't know what to do with. I loved it when I was doing it for myself. I loved it when no one read my blog. I never had to worry about peoples opinions or what my husband thought.

Now people read it. I love that too. It's nice to see people take an interest in my thoughts. It's bad that my husband, on a whim, suddenly decided to read my blog from start to finish. He was angered by my honesty. He felt that I was sharing too much of myself and by default him. Though I rarely air our dirty laundry or talk much about him aside from mentioning that he is in Iraq, he felt that I was showing the world too much of myself and thus too much of him.

I understand what he is saying. I'm not even mad about it. I took down the post that angered him. But the damage is done. He no longer supports my need to blog to the world.

I suppose if I only blogged about work and school, that would be acceptable, but the reality is that my life centers around his deployment. It is the hub of my being right now. All of my energy goes to not thinking about it. Not worrying. Not missing him. It is the very core of my every intention. Surviving the deployment is the the mantra I live by.

How do I have a blog and not talk about that. The reality is I can't. I am a Marine Corps wife. It is part of who I am. And I live and breath this deployment.

Unfortunately, I cannot explain myself or my intentions. I can not tell you how I truly feel. I can't talk about what this has done to me or the revelations my husband has had because of it. I am barred from all of that by his restrictions. So I apologize for leaving with out much of an explanation.

So, I leave with some parting words.... Love your husband. Respect his wishes, even when it hurts you. Even when it makes your life that much harder. He is your world. He will always be there for you. He will always take care of you. There are always new friends to make, and new people to meet. There are new confidants to be had. There are new opinions to learn... But he will grow with you through out time. He will mature with you. He will love you more than himself. I can live with a husband who does not love me the way I love him, but I can not live without respect. Luckily, my husbands loves me more than possible and respects me fully. And because of that, I have to respect him.

My blog is offensive to him. He feels that it is disrespectful to our marriage, and I have to respect that. I can not blog about life without including him and the deployment, which means I can not blog. I am too honest of a person to censor myself.

I'm really sorry it had to be this way. I found a freedom in blogging that I never expected. I found a community of like minded people to support me and to support. And now, I am giving that up.

I will miss it dearly.

Goodbye

My husband has decided that my blog is too personal. That's kinda the point of a blog, but he feels that way none the less.

I will be deleting my blog here in a little while. I just wanted to give you all fair warning.

Thanks for reading and being supportive.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

exhausted

Working four tens is killing me slowly from the inside out. My feet hurt. I'm tired and I never have enough time in the day.

I get up, shower, go the work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. My poor dog is being neglected. And she is not handling the separation well. She has separation anxiety and all of the progress we made with that is being counter acted by being left alone 10 hours a day.

I don't have any energy. I can't believe I am still awake right now!

I never have the time to talk to my husband. He calls when I'm sleeping or calls me on the 10 minute drive to work. Since I'm always there, I never have time to talk to him.

Today, I got kicked repeatedly by an Australian Shepherd. I was holding it's head and front legs while we expressed his anal glands. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. We go into the bum and squeeze the anal glands when they get too full and clogged. Most dogs don't mind it so much. This dog hated it and was in serious need of a nail trim. I have claw marks/bruises on my side and legs from his hind legs kicking to get away.

I couldn't wait to get home today. I was so tired and all I could think about was sitting on my couch in my pajamas.

I have permission to change my schedule to five eights. I think I might do it. I wouldn't have to be to work until 10am. I wouldn't have to go to bed until 10 or 11. It would be so nice to have some spare time.

On a happy note, I placed my first IV catheter yesterday. I had tried one time before, but couldn't do it. It's kinda tricky and takes some finesse. But I tried again and got it on my second try. It was pretty cool. I don't know if I would be able to do it again, but it was cool none the less.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

ARG to my husband!

Only my husband could pick a fight at 12:30am while in Iraq!

His worry? That I want to hire a dog walker. He doesn't want me to give out our house key. He had the same reaction when I hired a house keeper. Like I'm picking these people off the street or something. I'm just walking up to complete strangers and saying, "Hey, you wanna key to my house, I'll even pay ya?"

ARG! He is freaking out because he says I'm not taking my personal safety seriously enough. He went on and on about how he needs to change our locks when he gets home and I should be more careful. He went into the most ridiculous things about safety and me being killed in my bed. He actually makes me sleep with a loaded gun in my night stand!

Honestly, it was a really long fight. It's the longest I've ever been on the phone with him in one sitting. How come he can't talk that long when we are getting along!

He is really paranoid. He calls it being alert and cautious. I call it ridiculous. I'm not going to live my life in fear, and I'm not going to stay locked up in the house because he worries too much. He shouldn't be worrying at all! It takes focus off his missions.

I told him, that if he insists on putting his life on the line every day of our marriage that the least he could do was stay focused on coming home alive!

What's he going to do when he comes home and becomes a police officer? We may not be on the same schedule. Often times the rookies get put on the night shift, which means, I will be by myself most of the time. He can't be worrying about me and whether or not I'm safe at home while he is having it out with some bad guy. He needs to stay focused on the task at hand. He needs to be focused on coming home alive and in one piece. Just like in Iraq.

He makes me so angry! I have lived in this world for 26 years. 23 of them were spent without him. I think I can survive 6 months until he comes home, don't you? It's not like I'm inviting total strangers into my house and showing them all of me weaknesses. Besides, I'm more likely to be attacked outside the home in a parking lot or something. Or hit be a drunk driver than I am to be assaulted in my own home.

And where were all these safety precautions before he left? He's talking about locks and deadbolts. He wants a numbered key pad on the garage door. He even talked about a garage door that closes on it's own after a certain period of time, just in case I forget to close it. Were was all this worry before he left me alone, you know, when he could still do something about it.

I hate it. Worrying does no good. I could sit at home and worry about his safety too. I could worry that he doesn't have enough armor or he isn't being vigilant enough. I could worry that someone is shooting at him, or about IED's. I could worry about whether or not he is safe, alive or coming home. But I don't. It's wasted energy. He is there and I am here. Worrying won't change that. I can't do anything about it. I can't change the outcome of things by worrying about the possibilities. Of course I am concerned for his safety. Sometimes, I do worry a little. But I can't sit at home and drive myself crazy with it. And he shouldn't either. He can't change anything about our circumstances anymore than I can. And his worrying puts his life in danger.

It just makes me so... well, angry is as good a word as any. Maybe even livid. He needs to be focusing on coming home alive. Ever second that he is wasting on me and whether or not I double checked the door to make sure it was locked is a second that he is not focused on the mission.

I say AAARRGG to my husband is his stupid worrying.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The first week is over

Well, today was the last day of my first week as an extern.

It was great. I am learning so much...

But I'm concerned.

My site has an unlicensed tech doing tech work... very illegal. He is, basically, a vet assistant, but he is doing stuff only a tech is allowed to do. It's very unethical and very illegal.

They also have some iffy practices when it comes to surgery. We follow sterile procedure for a reason and it seems like too big a risk to bend the rules. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I'm in a dilemma. If I tell my school (and by school I mean the woman in charge of externship placement) that this is going on, she is going to want to move me to a new site. This would be bad and I'll tell you why...

A lot of my friends have crappy sites who never let them do anything but clean. I don't want to be a wallflower. I want to do stuff and this site is letting me do everything. Every patient they say, "Hey Girl, want to learn something new?" I get to try all kinds of stuff. I get to do everything I am legally allowed to do (they would let me do stuff I'm not allowed to do, but I'm not into breaking laws and possibly losing my license before I get it).

I don't want to move sites. I don't want to miss my chance to do all this really cool stuff. But, ethically, it's sorta bad for me to stay. How to I work somewhere that is doing things incorrectly? How do I work somewhere that does everything we are told in school not to do? I love working there. Everyone is so nice and eager to teach me things. I know enough to know when they are teaching me incorrectly. Everything I do, I have already learned how to do in school, so I'm really just getting practical experience. I have common sense and a good head on my shoulders... I have made good mental notes on all the things that I can ignore. I have made mental notes on all the things that they do wrong. I'm not in danger of messing up my education or my practical experience.

i do eventually have to tell my school though. They can't keep sending students there. Some students, who shall remain nameless, are dumb as stumps. They will take this clinics word as gospel and will be learning things incorrectly. I can't let that happen, but I really don't want to say anything now. I want to wait until my externship is up...

I don't know what to do about this. It's an ethical conundrum.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I lost a patient today :(

I started my Vet Tech externship yesterday.

It has all be going really well. I have done two blood draws and got them both on the second try, pretty good for a newbie. I am also checking patients in all by myself. I'm learning so much! The head doc quizes me all the time and I'm getting better about answering correctly. At first it was hard to be put on the spot, but I'm getting used to it now. And all the girls I work with are great. They have really taken me under their wing and are great teachers.

Today was a sad day though. We work with greyhound rescues. We had a really sweet greyhound in for a spay and dental cleaning (both procedures require the dog to be under anesthesia) . Her surgery took a really long time because we have a new doctor and she is fresh out of school. The surgery went great. Jojos (the greyhound) vitals were nice and strong.

We moved her into the treatment room to do the dental. Her heart rate was super strong, but her breath rate decreased. I voiced my concern, but was told that it was normal for greyhounds to have a really, super low breath rates when under. After a little while it dropped even lower. I was really nervous and concerned so I voiced my concern to the tech and the new doc. They assured me it was ok and that I should breath for her every now and then, but that it would be fine.

We finished the dental and took her back to her kennel for recovery. While we were monitoring her, we notice she wasn't breathing at all. I stayed with her while the other tech went and got the head doctor. While she was gone, the whole 30 seconds, Jojo's heart rate slowed and her pulse got really weak. By the time the doctor got there, there was no pulse at all. We did CPR and gave her epinephrine, but it didn't do any good. She died right there.

It all happened so fast! I couldn't believe it. She went from fine to dead in one minute. I felt horrible. Like I should have been more persistent about her breathing. Everyone assured me I did the right thing. I voiced my concern exactly when I should have and we were keeping a close eye on her. It just wasn't enough. Sometimes these things happen, unfortunately.

It was sad. But I was amazed at how detached I was able to be. It was a huge bummer, but I was able to move on fairly quickly. There was nothing we could have done to save her. It all happened so fast. If we had done something wrong, I'm sure I would still be hanging onto it, but we did everything we were supposed to do. It just happens that way sometimes.

Bummer.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Thank you!

I have to say I really enjoy having "followers" to my blog. I didn't know how I felt about it originally. But everyone has been so nice.

My little pity party is underway and it was so nice of everyone to leave kind words.

It really renews my faith in humanity as a whole. Complete strangers supporting and being nice to another complete stranger. What a great thing that is.

I worked in retail for years. I have seen the worst side of humanity. I have been disgusted by how people turned out. The rudeness and crassness. The inconsideration, the inability to be kind. People taking what they want and never giving back. People thinking they are owed something or entitled to everything. I became very jaded about people in general. I began to assume that all people sucked and that I didn't want much to do with anyone.

I have seen people steal, and be mean just because they can. I have been insulted, assaulted (physically by a customer) at work and generally degraded. I have been threatened with bodily harm over minute things. I have been followed to the parking lot by angry customers and have had to call the police on people on a number of occasions.

All these incidences add up to a general dislike of humanity. How can you like people if this is how you are treated by total strangers on a daily basis?

But I'm glad to see that my jaded nature and cynicism may be, in fact, unfounded.

On a more personal note, I heard from my husband again today. He mostly wanted to know how broke we are and if we were making any head way on our debt. I'm glad to report that we are and that our very small amount of debt will be even smaller by the time he comes home.

Just as we really began talking, he yelled, "I gotta go! I gotta go! I love you!" Click! I hate that. It's the third time he has done that to me. It's hard not to worry that something has gone terribly wrong. Normally, it turns out to be nothing. But it's still hard to not worry.

Two post in one day, I promise I won't make a habit of it.

I was just reading through some of my older posts. Back when I was interesting. Maybe interesting isn't the word. But I was sad and depressed and lonely. That made for some good blogs. Misery is always entertaining. :)

If you look to the side of my blog you can see a counter. It counts how many days it's been since my husband left for war. One month and 20 days to be exact. Time moves so fast and yet so slow.

I can't believe that it's been almost two months! But time seems to eek by. Everyday, I feel like I am just waiting for the day to end and the next one to begin. I haven't had another pity party for myself. So far, I've just had the one, but I feel another one coming on any day now. It's funny. So many of the other wives (I refer to military spouses as "Wives") were torn apart by the fact that they left. They fell apart. Days on end of crying. I didn't. I took it really well. It was like nothing had happened. I even called a wife and told her that I thought I was taking it too well and that it was only a matter of time before I had, and I quote, "a psychotic episode." She was very nice about it and said maybe I was just taking a healthier approach to it all. I called her a few weeks later and told her I wasn't sure how I was handling it. Again she was very nice and simply said, "You are having a really hard time. You may not know it, but I know you and I can see it. You are NOT handling this well."

It was a turning point for me. I began to see all the signs. I didn't care about school anymore. I didn't care about anything. I stopped caring about getting straight A's and didn't care about my attendance. I knew that I couldn't do school and deal with the deployment. So I applied for, and was granted, a leave of absence.

I tell you this so that you understand the background. I am now sitting on the verge of another pity party. I went to Dane Cook, I had a good week. I aced my finals. I am going out with a friend tomorrow. By all accounts, things are going really well. And for once, I am keeping busy. For the first time, I am keeping busy.

So why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself?

I heard from my husband today. He wanted me to confirm or deny some rumors that he had heard came from the KVN. He wanted to be sure that they were false so that he could start getting after Marines for spreading them. We didn't talk about anything important.

I just feel so sad. My husband is missing out on everything. He doesn't get to see any of the new movies. He misses out on the news. He can't see pups do hilarious things. He missed my birthday. That was truly depressing. I missed his birthday. That was worse. He won't be here for the 4th of July. His favorite holiday.

I sleep alone. I live alone. I hang out with my dog and I blog. It's a pretty depressing life.

He's off risking his life everyday and I'm just sitting at home. Don't get me wrong. I'm very proud of him and what he does. I love him for being a Marine. But I hate him for being a Marine. It's hard to explain, but the Marine Corps is the thing I love most about my husband, and the thing I hate most about my husband. Only other wives understand this. I don't know how to explain it to a civilian.

It's 12:42am, I'm sitting here blogging, instead of sleeping, and I'm getting ready for a huge, and I mean mondo, pity party. I don't know when it will start. I don't know how long it will last, but it's coming. I can feel it. I can see it on the horizon.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Inspired

Ok, So I started this post this afternoon, prior to the concert but didn't have time to finish it before leaving... Sorry, bear with me.



Ok, I know I should be putting on make-up and otherwise prettying myself for the Dane Cook concert tonight. I should be getting ready on the off chance that I meet Dane Cook and he finally realizes his love for me and proposes. I know I am a married woman, but my husband understands my deep connection with Dane Cook and will there for understand my need to at least sleep with him once. :)

The reality is, I've been reading blogs. This is my new favorite past time. I love the inside glimps into peoples lives that they offer. I get to know all about someone and who they are without ever meeting them face to face. But today I read a blog that I didn't really care for... A first for me. I'm fairly selective about who I read. I picked this blog for it's honesty. But today, I'm not so sure.

She was talking about women. All of our glory and all we have worked for and all our potential. She expressed her disdain for someone wanting to find a rich man to marry who will take care of her. Don't get me wrong, we should all be proud to be women and be thankful for all that we have now, but I am not a feminist.

I am an anti-feminist. Somewhere along the way, it became bad for a woman to want to marry and stay at home with her kids. Why do we all need high powered careers? Why do I need to work full time and make more than my husband? What is so bad about wanting him to take care of me?

I am a stay at home wife. I haven't worked in two years. I do not have children. I have a dog, but that hardly counts. I love cleaning the house and taking care of my husband. I love paying the bills and making him dinner. It is totally fulfilling to me. I knew when I first met him that my purpose in life was to take care of him. I don't want to work full time. I want to be a wife.

I do go to school. I am going to work eventually. I want to. But only part time. I can't imagine not having time to fully take care of my husband. And I know he loves taking care of me. He loves being the almighty provider. He loves bringing home the money. He loves providing for me. And why shouldn't he? That is what he is ingrained to do. Men are providers and women are gatherers. That is what we are wired for.

I'm all for women holding upper level positions, don't get me wrong. If you love working and want to have a career, more power to you. We have earned that right after years of oppression. Women fought for our right to vote, women fought for our right to earn the same as a man, but that doesn't mean you have to! It just means, you can if you want.

So by all means, be the CEO of a major corporation, but stay at home if you really want to. Be a wife, if you really want to.

I will never understand it. Just because we can do something doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Men and women are not created equal... We are better at somethings than men are , and vice versa. We are not that same. Our brains are totally different. How we process things is totally different. Our emotions are totally different. But that doesn't mean women are second class. And I for one am glad that we are seen as equal counter parts to men. But my dream is to be a housewife in the '50's. I want that life and I'm tired of people looking down on me for that. I'm tired of people saying I'm JUST a housewife. In my opinion, that's a pretty important job. Taking care of a marriage and an husband is a pretty major thing. Maybe our divorce rate wouldn't be so high if people put more importance on stuff like that, I don't know.

I'm just saying, rather ineloquently, that there is nothing wrong with wanting a man to take care of you, or with you wanting to take care of your man.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I crack myself up

No really, I do... For no apparent reason. I just laugh at myself. I'm rather dorky. I love to cross stitch and scrap book. I also talk to my dog, which I think is just sad. Sometimes, I think she answers me back, which is worse.

Today, was an uneventful day. I took my last final, Whoo Hoo! I aced it too. Only missed two questions. I should have gotten them right, but I just wasn't thinking. That's what happens when you study for 7 hours a day for 5 days straight. Your brain turns to moosh.

I spoke to the hubby today too. He needs more money for his phone card. I just love how he calls to tell me... " Hi honey, I love you. You know, I've been spending all my money on phone cards and have none left over to buy stuff... What kinda stuff? A $120 external hard drive." Really?! So I sent him more money for a phone card. Who am I to say that he can't save up his money for an external hard drive? Never mind that fact that we have three of them at home that are perfectly good. Whatever.

He did decided to call me on Skype. It's free and usually has better calling quality than the phone does. He will need to buy a little webcam for the communal computers though. Right now, he can see me, but I can't see him. He mostly calls me on Skype so he can see the dog. I'm serious. He makes me hold her up to the computer or face the computer to her so he can see her play. I know where I stand with him, so I can't get too mad if he misses the dog more than me. :)

I had nothing to do today after my finals. I ran some errands, but mostly I have been dicking around on the computer. I'm a loser, what can I say. I spend all my time on my blog or various blog related websites. I am a member of a new one. It's called 20 Something Bloggers. It's for those of us in our 20's who blog. I've met some really cool bloggers on it and have some new people reading mine. I can join groups and all sorts of stuff. It's pretty cool. But now I feel all this pressure to write something people will want to read.

I'm the most boring person on earth. I mostly blog about ridiculous stuff. Nothing all that interesting. I bet most people will stop reading my blog after a week... :)

On a brighter note, I'm going to see Dane Cook tomorrow! Yeah! I'll be sure to blog about the concert!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Why did the chicken cross the road?

This is a post that was originally posted in a Live Journal Community by Evilgrins. He gave me permission to use it.

GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL - Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) - The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side."

DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken anyway? Could you define the word "chicken," please?

COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one?

Do I have to finish school?

It's finals week again. I have one left to go. The first two weren't so bad, I could have done better, I could have done worse. At this point, I just want to be done.

One more, tomorrow morning. It will be a fairly easy one, but I'm so freaking tired. I haven't slept in days. The other night I was finally in bed at a decent time, sleeping lovely, deep sleep, and my husband called. I shouldn't be mad. I should be happy to receive a phone call from my husband. But it was so late and I was so tired. I tried to talk to him, but I kept falling back to sleep. So much for talking to my husband. He was pretty nice about it. He understood that it was late. Why does he never call when I have insomnia? When I'm lying wide awake in the middle of the night?

10 hours difference. If makes life so difficult. When I start my externship next week, I won't be able to talk to him hardly at all. He normally calls around 12pm. He stays up late to call me at a decent time. Sometimes he calls at like 8pm, which he has to get up extra early to do. But I will be at work from 8am - 6pm. I work four tens. So I have no idea when I will get to talk to him.

Deployments suck. I get letters sometimes, but he hates to write them. So I have to rely on email and phone calls. The kicker? He has to wait in line to do either. It cost money to call home. He has to buy calling cards. The internet is free, but limited. If he wants to have it in his barracks it would cost us $100 a month! That is insane. I'm of the opinion that they should be able to call home for free and have free internet access. Now is not the time for me to list all the things we have to pay for that we shouldn't... Or is it?

Ok, just one little rant. We have to go to the Marine Corps Ball every year. It is a celebration of the birthday of the Marine Corps. Every branch of the military has a ball. We are required to be there. It counts as a drill. My husband is even paid for part of it. Great right? But we have to buy tickets! It's a required weekend that he gets paid to be there, but I have to shell out $60 bucks for ball tickets. Not to mention I have to get a dress and an hotel room. We don't live where they have ball, it's a three hour drive, so I have to pay to stay the night. Sometimes, I have to take Friday off of work to get there. We also have to pay for his required uniform for ball. Any tailoring or modifications that need to be made to make it up to snuff, I have to pay for. And to keep his ribbons and metals up to date, I have to pay for that too. It cost me a fortune. I hate it. If it's required, I think the military should have to pay for it. This is just one example of all the little things we have to pay for that are required to have. Sucky.

Anyhoo, I'm done now. I'm tired and should be heading to bed soon. One more final to go.

I hope to hear from my husband soon, it's been a few days. No good worrying, but I still do.