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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: May 2009

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

An exercise in futility

Ok, today is really trying my patience. It might just be the worst day ever.

I got in a car accident this morning. No one was hurt. Honestly, I fell asleep at the wheel. I know, right!? I was driving to school feeling very tired and all of the sudden my eyes closed and didn't open again. I rear-ended someone one. Luckily, we were only going like 10 miles an hour. Thank God for rush hour traffic. I didn't do any damage. He just has a few scratches on his bumper, but it sucks none the less. I hope my premiums don't go up.

So that was a crappy way to start the day. School wasn't terrible. Another day, another test. It all went fairly well. But when I got home my husband called. We are both under so much stress right now. So, of course, we spent half the call fighting about stupid stuff. It was mostly my fault. I was grouchy. The trouble is, even once we stopped fighting, I was on the phone for way to long. I really needed to get off the phone. I had a million things to do and a doctors appointment to get to. But how do you tell your deployed husband that you can't talk. So I didn't get anything done. I didn't even have time to call my insurance company about the accident.

We finally got off the phone and I made a few other phone calls and had to leave. I drove the 20 minutes to my appointment at the hospital. It was supposed to be a Barium Swallow with Speech. It turned into me sitting on a chair for 30 minutes while the techs tried to get the x-ray machine to work. It promptly broke the second I entered the room. They never did get it working. The speech therapist, who was running the test, decided I didn't need it. She called my doctor and told him that. He said, "Oh my bad, that's not the test I wanted her to have. I wanted a different test. Cancel this one and I'll call her to tell her what test I really meant." Seriously!?

So, I've been sitting for a half hour waiting to have a test and it's the wrong one! So, now, I have to wait to hear from my doctor and get a different test. ARG!

So, now I have to drive 20 minutes home. I still have to study for my test tomorrow, make dinner and some how find time to sleep. The thing that capped the day off? The review my teacher gave us. She always gives us a list of stuff to review for our tests. Normally it's more like a lesson. It never has anything we have covered in class on it. It's all new info and we have to learn it all in one night. This review? Not even that much. It basically said, " review everything." Really!? I had no idea what to study. So I studies the basics and am calling it good. I'm so tired. My brain doesn't want to work. I just want to eat dinner and go to bed.

Surprisingly, I'm not really hating life. It was a mondo shitty day, but tomorrow is the last day of the week. It's almost over. My mom is going to come visit for the first time in a while, I have birthday party to go to Saturday, which promises to be fun, and best of all, I get to sleep in. No more falling asleep at the wheel. I hope.

I'm so tired of being tired. I'm so tired of feeling sick to my stomach. I'm so tired of doctors appointments. I'm so tired of school. I just want to be done with it all. I just want to curl up on my couch and ignore the world for while.

Maybe not the most productive feeling in the world, but that's what I feel like.

Only one more week and then my externship. I am excited for my externship, so that is something.

Only one more week.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Live Journal

Well, I've been on LIve Journal for almost a week. It's ok... to be honest, in a lot of ways it's better than blogger. I can meet people with my similar interests and have already found a few military wives communities. It's easier to be read and be seen too.

But I'm sticking with my Blog Spot account too. I like the easy to use format. LJ is a lot harder to personalize. You have to know HTML language, which I don't. So that has been tricky. I don't know. We'll see who wins out. It's neck and neck right now.

I took the pup to the dog park for the first time in four days today. I'm sorta scared to take her now. A little dog got killed by two huskies a week ago. It was on a weekend. I don't think we will be taking her to the dog park on weekends anymore. It's just too busy and too hard to watch all the dogs. Going during the week is easier. There are hardly any dogs there, which is good for her. She prefers to play one on one. And it's easier to see if things are getting out of hand. It went really well today. She played with an Italian Greyhound today. He was super cute.

On the school front, I have three tests in four days. I took one yesterday. I have one tomorrow and one Friday. Shit-tastic. It makes life so stressful. I'm so glad I'm almost done.

But I"m worried I'm going to get bored with no school. What will I do to fill my time? I'm going to be volunteering a few days a week. It's a really great non-profit that I've worked at before. I'm pretty excited about that. But it won't be every day. What will I do?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

BLAH

I totally didn't want to post anything... I really love that Jewel poem, and I kinda want to leave it front and center on my blog!

This week is going to be a trying one. It's my last week of actual school. As usual, my teacher had us do nothing for the last three weeks, only to cram it all into this last week. I have three tests in four days! It sucks. On the bright side, I only have this week and finals week left. Then I'm off to my externship for 6, homework free weeks! I'm actually really excited about it. I can't wait to stick animals with needles and hold them down for things! Sounds sick, but that's what most of the job is. I'm pretty stoked.

I got my KVN calling list too. KVN is the Key Volunteers Network. It started out as wives, but has recently been extended to any immediate family member of the military member. We are a support network and an information super highway. We pass word and generally help each other out. Many of us wives are the only ones in our towns that have deployed husbands, so it's nice to have someone to talk to who can understand. Civilians just don't get it, unfortunately.

So I am a Volunteer or a KV. I get assigned families to keep in touch with and help in any way I can. It's pretty cool. It has given me back my sense of purpose. I now have these families to look out for and make sure they are doing ok. I told them they can call with anything. I don't care what it is. Even if they just need to vent or someone to talk to, that's what I'm here for. I've had a good response too. Many of the wives are really interested in becoming friends. They need someone to talk to and I'm glad to be here for them. I have a few wives I talk to and it has made all the difference in the world.

So that is generally my life right now. It takes a long time to call all those families, so it's very time consuming. And school promises to make me want to scream.

BAHH!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Too Many Nights

It has been too many nights of being with...

To now be suddenly without

- Jewel

Memorial Day

This is Memorial Day weekend. A time when most have BBQ's and enjoy and three day weekend. But there is a section of America to whom this day means more. They are the wives of those who have lost their service men.

Memorial Day started as a day that civil war widows (both Confederate and Union alike) decorated the graves of those they loved and lost. Later, it became a day when service men of any war were remember. A General recognized this and pushed for it to be a national day and it was celebrated on May 30th. It wasn't until the 70's, when congress decided they wanted a three day weekend, that it became the last Monday in May.

Having been at war for seven years (almost eight) now, I'm sure we all know someone who has lost a friend, brother, husband or son. Not many lives have gone untouched.

So while you are enjoying the sunny weather and the extra day off, please remember why we have the day off. Take time to thank those who serve our country. Take time to remember those who we have lost.

Remember that those men loved their country. They fought with honor, and they died heros. And we should remember, they fight for our freedom.

So the next time you see a service man, shake their hand. Appreciate all that they do for you. Appreciate that they are willing to give their lives for you. Appreciate that some already have. And appreciate all those families that made that sacrifice with them.

This is an important day, and most don't realize the true meaning of it. It is a time to be thankful for all those who gave up their lives for the greater good.

I personally will be thanking the wives of our service men for supporting the men who keep us safe. For loving the men who give up their lives for my freedom. For paying the ultimate price, so that my husband may live to fight another day.

I will forever be grateful to those that came before, and to those who will serve after. I will forever be in debt to those who died for my freedom. And I will never take it for granted.

"Freedom isn't free, " and some pay the ultimate price, so you don't have to.

You should be thankful for that.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I've said it before and I'll say it again....

I hate Tricare. I hate everything about it.

Ok, as many of you know, I have stomach issues and I see a specialist for them. Well, I went in for a follow up appointment last Thursday only to find out that my referral expired two days before, so I couldn't be seen. Fine. My doctors office called Tricare about it and tried to get more appointments, but Tricare never called back! Great.

So I called Tricare and they said, "well, I could have helped you two days ago before your referral expired, but now, there's nothing we can do. You have to go see your doctor again." By the way, all this is going on with a new symptom. I am now vomiting on a regular basis. So I really need to be seen. So I call the make an appointment. I am guaranteed an "urgent care" appointment within 24 hours (it is now Thursday afternoon). They tell me they can't get me in until Monday. Urgent care my ass!! So I call the doctors office directly to plead my case.

Mind you, I don't actually need to be seen. I just need to get a new referral written. So, I call and tell the nurse my situation and say, "I don't need to be seen, I just need a new referral." She tells me, my doctor isn't in, but will be in tomorrow (Friday) and that she will give her my info. Long story short, I jump through some hoops and give my doctor my specialists info and she writes the referral on Friday.

I go online to check to see if my referral is approved last night. (It has now been almost a week since my doctor wrote it) Oh, it got approved all right. But only for 5 days, so it is now expired!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!! So I call Tricare and say WTF?! She says, well, it was written as an "urgent care" referral. So it was only good for 5 days. But I got three appointments approved. So I called the doctors office and said, "It's expired already, I need a new one." The girl actually argued with me. She said it was written as a regular referral and that I was wrong! Really?! So I tell her, I just got off the phone with Tricare and it is in fact expired. So she goes and talks to the Tricare office on base and low and behold they tell her, "Oh, yeah, when it passed through here, we changed it to an urgent care referral, OOPS" Are you kidding me!? So, now, the nurse is dealing with all these stupid people to get it fixed so I can see my freakn' doctor!!!!

I hate Tricare so much. Why do they make everything so difficult? I just need to be seen by my doctor. I need to make an appointment and be seen. To make matters worse, I have to have more tests run. An endoscopy was not enough, I guess. So now I am having more test, possibly surgery and I haven't even seen my doctor yet!

Tricare blows. I wish I had civilian insurance. It was so much easier back when I had normal civilian insurance. Those were the days.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Live Journal and Letters from Iraq

Ok, so a friend of mine just raves about Live Journal. SO I started one. It's ishiimama.livejournal.com. Check it out. I don't know if it will stick. I'm just testing the water.

I got my first letters from my husband today. He sent them ages ago. I've been checking the mail box for them for like two weeks. It was a great day.

It's nice to get letters. He can be so honest in them. When we're on the phone we have to watch what we say in case someone is listening. I generally assume that we are being recorded. But what if our government is not the only one listening. So there's alot of things that we can't say.

Letters can be more honest. There's still a lot that we can't talk about. There's still a lot that I can't know. Today my husband said he had an exciting day. But he couldn't or wouldn't tell me about it. He said that he wouldn't be telling me anything until he got home. I figure that's fair, but it sucks. We run out of things to talk about. But letters are different. He tells me about his day and what they are doing (like playing cards, not missions or anything). He talks about the other guys in his unit and what they are up to. He talks about missing me and loving me. All the stuff he doesn't say on the phone.

Our phone calls are abbreviated. He can only talk for like 10 minutes at a time. He calls in the middle of his night, which is the middle of my day. He often has to go to bed, so he just calls long enough to say hi. Letters take time and care and attention. He tells me all kinds of things.

I can't really disclose what's in the letters. But I do hope I receive more.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Two Posts in One Day, What the Hell!?

Ok, so I posted a few hours about about my, let's call it my "predicament."

So here I am, sitting on my couch and I'm incredibly lonely.

I went to school. I came home. I talked to my husband, but he couldn't talk long. I checked my Myspace and got the message from Stephanie about maybe moving in. Tried to call a friend. She didn't answer. That's the second time I've called her this week, with no answer and no call back. I then texted another friend, who is not available to talk until later tonight. I spoke with Stephanie. I met with my new housekeeper. And I read a friends Live Journal.

It is now 5pm and the most interesting conversation I have had is with my new housekeeper. I really like her. She's the kinda person I could be friends with. I meet people like that a lot. People I could be friends with, but usually the circumstances are not right. How weird would it be to start calling your housekeeper for advice!?

So here I am. People keep telling me to "keep busy." "Keep busy to pass the time." How do I do that? I go to school, but this sequence is really crappy. We never have homework. I'm sure I'm the only one complaining about that, but that's how I used to keep busy to pass the time. Now I have nothing to do after school. My mom is out of town and she's the one I talk to when I'm feeling lonely. I have nothing to keep me busy. Watching TV isn't that much fun. I used to wish I had nothing but time to read and watch my TV shows. I told my husband that that's what I was going to do while he was gone. I would finally read in peace and watch whatever I wanted to. It's not that fun, it turns out.

People keep telling me that it gets easier. Does it really? Does it get easier to worry about your husbands safety? Does it get easier to have half my heart in Iraq? Does it get easier to sleep alone, eat alone, and live alone? Does it really ever get easier?

I just don't see how it will. How will it get easier to wait by the phone for word from my husband? How does wondering if he is ok get easier? Will I ever stop fearing knocks on the door?

They still knock on your door to tell you your husband is dead. They drive out here in their government vehicles, two men, who's job it is to break the news to wives. That's all they do. They come in, tell you they're sorry and leave you alone to cry.

My husband has started doing missions. He can't call often. He is starting the dangerous part of his job. And all I can do is sit and home and hope that I never get that knock on the door. And keep busy, whatever that means.

So here I am. Alone with my dog... Who has grown increasingly independent. She is so used to me studying all the time that she never wants to play anymore. And it's raining today, so I can't take her to the dog park to pass the time. That's my new thing, I go to the dog park for hours and just walk around. I talk to dog owners about their pets because I'm starved for human contact.

I'm so tired of this life. It's only been a month and I'm already done. I just want my husband home. I miss him so much it makes my heart hurt. Actually, physically hurt. I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how much I miss him. He is my whole world. My life found meaning when i married him. I knew that I was meant to take care of him forever. And now, he is gone. My life has no meaning. I have nothing.

I'm so fed up with deployments. And yet, I defend it. People try to pass judgement on us. People try to say they understand. How could you? Is your husband at war? Is he risking his life everyday? Do you wonder if he will come home alive? Do you go days without hearing from him?

Do you truly understand what it's like to have a husband who picked the safety of his men over living a peaceful life with you? A husband who is so bound by his sense of duty that he left you just months into your marriage? A husband who's loyalty is so deep, that his word to his men meant more than his wedding vows to you?

I digress, but that's how i feel right now. I tell him I understand. I tell him that I support him. I tell him that I'm ok. But the reality is, I don't understand why he had to leave. And I only supported it because I had no choice. And I'm not ok. I'm lonely, and tired, and sad all the time. I want to sit at home and cry, but some how, I have to keep going day after day. Somehow, i have to make it through seven months of this. Somehow, I have to make it ok to be without my husband.

So, I'm throwing myself a pity party right now. Usually, I'm strong. Usually, I'm stoic. Usually, I don't let people know how hard this is. Usually, I pretend that I don't worry about his safety.

The truth is, this probably won't be my last deployment. The truth is, he is going to re-enlist. The truth is, it will never end. He's coming home to be a police officer. I will always have to worry about his safety and I will always have to wonder if he will come home alive. I guess I should just get used to it.

I guess, at some point, I have to accept that this is my life now. This is it.

How do I get to the point where I'm ok with it?

Do I make bad decisions?

Ok, so I have a tendency to make rash decisions without thinking them through. This rarely bites me in the ass tough, so I don't look at them as bad decisions. In fact, I never have any backlash to my rash decisions. I don't know if it's because I'm lucky, or because I think well on my feet. Who knows?

Yesterday, I made a rash decision. Well, it wasn't really rash, be definition. Let me explain:

When I found out my husband was deploying I was worried about living alone. My husband is deploying with his company which happens to include a young guy named Ricky. He recently married and had a baby. I love his wife. We are buds. She was talking about moving to the Seattle area for school, so I offered to let her live here while the boys were gone. We talked about it, but she decided to stay put.

Well, I just got word from my husband that she is prego again and is looking to move. She was going to live with her mom, but, due to some family drama, that didn't work out. She needs to be out of her place soon and is trying to find somewhere to live. She was thinking Ellensburg. I myspaced her, mostly to catch up and see how she was doing and one thing led to another. I ended up offering to let her live with me. And I made a very convincing argument, I might add.

The trouble is, I made a really good argument and now she is thinking of doing it. I do want her to live with me. There are a million reasons why it would be good for both of us. IT will save us both money and offer both of us support.

The trouble is I don't know her that well. I don't know if this will be a good match. I have no idea how clean she is and I like to keep a clean house. I don't know enough about her to know if this will work... And what about the trips I was going to take. Will it be weird to leave her in my house while I am gone, or will she go with me on my trips? Will it be awkward to share a TV with her and a phone? I have never had a roommate. My husband is the closes thing and that totally doesn't count because he is my husband.

What was I thinking? I was so caught up in all the good things about it, that I didn't think about any of the possible issues. And now it's a little too late.

She is coming up this week to check out the house and the town I live in. She may still say no. But I do know both our husbands are in favor of the move. They will feel better knowing that we have each other to lean on during the hard times.

Was this a stupid thing to do? Should I take it back? I feel like it's too late to take it back. She is already getting ready to come here.

Talk about rash decisions. I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Military Wife

I should be sleeping, but I'm not.

I am lying in bed. Thinking of my service to my country.

We do not get parades in our honor. We do not get metals for valor. We do not get saluted. But we serve our country along side our husbands.

The wives I know are some of the bravest people I have met. We are not running in to burning buildings, or taking fire behind enemy lines, but we are serving our country. Waiting out the contracts that our husbands signed.

The wives I know are stoic in their strength. They show no one their tears or their grief. They show no wavering in their support. Their hearts deploy along side their husbands. But they show the world no fear for his safety, just pride for his heroism.

They keep the home without help, they work without support, they keep a marriage going without a husband. They are both mother and father to their children. They are both maid and book keeper.

They do not ask for thanks. Many of our husbands have no idea how hard it really is on our side of a deployment. We never show them our pain.

The wives I know, sleep alone, live alone and are often the only wife in their city. We go though this alone. We do not have a military base full of supportive spouses. We have each other, though we live hours apart.

I admire the women I have met. They have a strength that most do not possess. They love their husbands in spite of coming second to the military. Their love never falters.

This is a life not many would chose and fewer would survive. But they survive. They keep going when most would give up. They are independent, but still depend on their absent husbands. They are cheerful, even when their heart is torn in two. They persevere.

Most importantly, they have to tell their husbands that they understand their need to deploy, even when they don't. They have to support it, even when they don't want to. They have to keep going, even when it's too much to bear.

Many people don't appreciate how hard it is to live this life. Most people think we did this to ourselves. Most people are secretly thinking, "I'm glad it's not my husband."

But we are proud that it's our husband. We are proud to stand up next to them. We are proud to be the ones that they come home to. We cherish our letters from Iraq. We know the joy of midnight phone calls to tell us they are safe. We know the importance of the simple pleasure of letters from home.

We would not trade our lives with anyone. There is a love for our country that many do not know. And a marriage that is stronger than most. We know that, if we can survive this, we can survive anything.

The wives I know are some of the best people I will ever know. I treasure my friendships with them. And I have new found respect for what it means to be a "Military Wife."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

We live our lives in Life and Death
Each day
Waiting
Watching
Hoping that all is ok

I dread that knock on the door.

Has he been injured?
Is he alright?

Each day that passes without word
is a like a a tree falling silently in the woods
No one in around to hear my anguish
No one is around to see my tears.

We live our lives in life and death.
A concept that most are unfamiliar with.

Those who do not wish to think of it
Ignore our lack of security in words
“I’ll be home soon” means nothing
“Come home safely” is all I can utter

“Come home at all,” is all I hope.

Strange week

I had a really great week. It was low in stress and high in achievement. I got some great test scores and hated school a whole lot less than usual. I even gave a great presentation on Friday.

Friday night I went to the Mariners game. It was great. We had so much fun and the Mariners even won! I love my team, but I have low expectation because we kinda suck. We had a rough first few innings and I thought we were done for. Then Ichiro turned it around with a home run. We got three more runs and Ichiro got his second homer of the night to put us ahead. We kept Boston at bay for the rest of the game to win by one. It was a great game!

I got up this morning and cleaned, since I was having company. A friend from a long time ago, found me on myspace and we were going out to dinner to catch up. I took pups to the dog park and ran some errands. Then my friend Christie arrived and we went out to dinner. We had so much fun. She came back to my house and hung out until 10:40pm! It was great. It was so nice to catch up with her.

It was an abnormally good week. My birthday sadness aside, and my Tricare troubles (I hate Tricare and they are ruining my life) it was a great week.

But here I am, after this great week, and I feel heart sick. I had a great week and I can't share it with my husband. It's late and I need to go to bed. I'm tired. But I can't sleep. My bed is too empty. I haven't hear from my husband since Thursday and last time we talked, we fought.

I hate this deployment. It prevents me from having a good time. I can't enjoy life. Every time things get good, I start to feel sad. At least when I'm miserable and depressed, I know that's how I'm going to feel all day. It doesn't creep up on me. This sadness creeps up on me. It catches me off guard. I let me fence down and start to have a good time, then BAM, it hits me.

When does this sadness go away? People tell me it gets easier. They say I'll get used to it. When? When will I be able to have a good time without missing my husband? Is that even possible?

I want to cry. All the time. I want to sleep until he comes home, so that these seven months will be like one long dream. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of missing him. I'm just tired.

I want to live life and enjoy it. But how can I?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Going back and forth

Today was a good day.

I was really tired and not feeling school at all. I had to make up a test and an lab and was just stressed about everything. But once I got there, things went very smoothly. I was stressed about my test, but it turned out to be really easy! And the lab was a breeze to make up.

I've been having a hard time studying, which is the bulk of what I have to do to pass this class. We don't have a lot of homework, it's all tests. I just can't focus. My sadness overwhelms me and I can't seem to keep the information in my brain. But so far, that hasn't effected my work at all. I feel super stressed and feel like I"m going to fail, but the tests have all been pretty easy, so I've done well. I have yet to get that B that I feel so sure is around the corner.

I came home and knocked out my project that is due Friday and finished all my homework, so I took
pups to the dog park. It's been ages since we've gone in the middle of the week. It was so great. Pups played with other dogs, which is totally unlike her, and I relaxed a bit. She really ran around, again, not like her. She had such a good time. It wasn't too crowded, so that made a huge difference in her comfort level. And I enjoyed talking to other people about their dogs and just hanging out, stress free.

It made all this crap I've been feeling seem sorta mild. My stress with school was unfounded and I'm starting to think that it's just stress that I'm putting on myself. If I don't care how I do, I'm not as stressed about school, so I actually do better. Kinda a weird conundrum.

So, over all today was a good day. I'm sure tomorrow I will feel differently. I have to study for a test tomorrow and I'm sure I will feel overwhelmed and want to be done with school. But today was a nice break from stress. It was great to remember how good life can be. School is a temporary stress. It's only for three more weeks and that time will go by fast. I just know, that things will be great once I'm not so stressed about school. But today reminded me that I actually like school. It made me feel confident that I can and will go back. It was so nice to not feel the stress of life and the deployment. It made me remember that life hasn't always sucked and that all this is temporary. I can have good days and soon they will out number the bad... or at least, out weigh them.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Today is my Birthday!

Well, today is my birthday, and it's a bit bitter sweet.

Who doesn't love their birthday? But my husband and I normally celebrate our birthdays together with one big party. His birthday is at the end of the month. I'm thinking of doing something for my birthday later in the month, but I don't know what. It's sucks that he's not here for this.

I took the day off of school. I just couldn't face a test and a lab. My heart wasn't in it. So I went down to my moms house and hung out all day. We just sat around and watched movies. It was nice to take a break from life for a day. No worries or obligations.

But tomorrow it's back to school and life. I only have three weeks left of school. My heart isn't in it anymore. I just don't care how I do on my tests or projects. I'm only finishing because I promised my husband I would. If it were up to me, I would just leave now and never look back.

My sadness gets deeper everyday. I know I will feel better in a few weeks. This is just a passing phase, or so I'm told. I was told that the beginning is hardest. Pretty soon, it will be normal for him to not be here. I mean, he hasn't been living at home since December.

He did call me this morning to wish me a happy birthday. He is doing well. He's enjoying his time, which is good I guess.

Birthdays just suck when your husband is half way across the world fighting a war.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Feeling Sad Today

I'm feeling pretty sad today. Like I just want to crawl in bed and sleep until my husband gets home.

I went out to eat with a friend for lunch. It was a nice distraction. But I came home and watched the final episode of Scrubs. What a weird thing to feel sad about. It was a good episode. It just that I usually watch it with my husband. We started watching it a few years ago and have been avid Scrubs fans ever since.

We watched them all on DVD and then began following the new episodes. He left three weeks ago and it's been weird to watch the final episodes without him. Now that the show is over, and he wasn't here to see it, I feel sad. Like I cheated on him. I feel like I shouldn't have watched them without him.

By the time he comes home, I'm sure the last season will be on DVD. He won't have missed much. But it still makes me sad.

I've been feeling pretty sad in general this week. I'm overwhelmed with school and I really miss my husband. I have never had to live independently before. I am in independent person in general, but I went from my parents house to my husband's house. I never lived alone. And now, I am having to learn to live life alone. It's actually pretty hard. I didn't appreciate how difficult it would be to learn to live life without my husband.

I went grocery shopping alone, for the first time in my life. It was a weird experience. I have never done that before. I'm having to relearn how to live life.

Deployments suck. The house is so empty without my husband here. I feel so alone all the time. Everything is so quiet. And I just feel like hiding from life. I just want to hang out at home and watch TV and read books. But I tend to get bored too. So, it's sorta a double edged sword. If I just hang out at home, I miss my husband more, but if I get too busy, I feel overwhelmed.

Time just can't pass fast enough. It's six months and one week until he gets home. How am I ever going to make it through this?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The joy of sleep medication

I have chronic insomnia. It's been something I have struggled with for years.

Recently I was put on Ambien. It made me sick to my stomach. I was in pain for a few weeks before we made the connection and I stopped taking it. I couldn't get in to see my prescribing doctor, so I saw my general practitioner. She gave me Benedryl. It didn't help at all. Then I ran out and couldn't get in to my doctor for a month! So I have been with out anything for a month now.

Yesterday, I finally saw my doctor and he gave me Trazadone. It's what I had been on before. I stopped taking it because it gives me a hangover effect. But I'm desperate. So I took two last night and went to bed early.

Well, my husband called abound 8:30. I was groggy at best. I couldn't string a full sentence together. He asked what I had talked to my doctor about and I told him, "bone structure." Which is actually what I'm doing a school project on. I talked to my doctor about life in general. I would forget that I was talking in mid sentence and would just stop talking. He would have to ask me to finish talking. I couldn't keep a train of thought either. So I would switch topics in mid sentence. It was an interesting conversation. I tried to keep it going, but I was so drugged up that it was impossible. My husband laughed at me for a good 5 minutes, then suggested that he call me the next day (today) and that I should get some sleep.

I woke up today totally hung over. I kept dozing off in class and barely made it through. I came home and had to drink a can of Coke to keep from falling a sleep. Caffeine makes me crazy. It's like taking meth or crack for me. But I had to stay awake. It's a true testament of how drugged up I am, that the caffeine didn't make me edgy.

I'm going to try to take just one tonight to see if that makes it better. I don't know if it will. I'm pretty sensitive to stuff like that. Well, usually. Some drugs, like Benedryl are like sugar pills to me, but normally, half a tablet will knock me out. I'll have to be sure to tell my doctor to stop prescribing two a night. It's a bit much.

I just hope that I am with it enough to talk to my husband if he calls again. I don't want to miss talking to him because of my drugs.

Sleeping pills are just a huge pain. It's so hard to find something that makes you sleep with out a hang over. Ambien was great. I slept wonderfully and had no effects during the day. Too bad it made me sick to my stomach.

Bummer... If only I could sleep. I hate taking extra medications if I don't have to.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Life sucks

Well, I now officially hate school more than ever!

This group project is turning out to be a real headache. I emailed the girls to tell them I was having trouble with my portion and all they wanted from me was advice on their portion. No help or anything. I hate my group.

We have more homework and I'm ready to scream! I did get the other group project done today. So that was good news.

I just really hate life right now. I'm stressed. I haven't had a good nights sleep in months, and all I want to do is hide from the world.

To make matters worse, a good friend in is the hospital. I wish I could be there for her, but I can't. She lives in Oregon. I feel crappy not being able to help her in some way. Her husband is deployed too and I know how hard this must be for her.

Life just sucks right now. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 4 1/2 weeks. I just want to be done with school. I just want to be home with my dog, taking her for walks and reading a good book.

I would give anything to not have to go to school tomorrow. Or at all for that matter.


BBBAAAAHHHH!

Monday, May 4, 2009

School sucks

I hate school with a lot less vigor, now that I know I will be taking a break. But it still sucks.

We are still doing those stupid group projects and the girls in my group aren't proving to be much better this week than last. And the topic this week is "musculoskeletal systems" as in "what is unique about your animals."

I can't find anything. I googled everything I can think of for like two hours today and nothing. The library doesn't have anything either.

I feel very stressed about it all.

With my husband gone and bills to be paid. My dog needs to lose weight and I don't have time to walk her. And my teacher added a second group project this week. It's a bit much to take.

I can't wait to be done with it all. I have spoken with UPS about me possibly coming back. We'll see. I'm going to give vet medicine a try first, but I need a back up in case it doesn't work out.

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be done with school. It's only week two of this sequence and I'm already ready for it to be done.

This blows. I can't wait to be done with school. 6 weeks can't go by fast enough!