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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: April 2009

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Is there an adult in the house?

Ok, so we are doing group projects at school. One a week with the same people. I can handle that.

Part of the project is an outline that is to be handed out to the class when we do our report. I was in charge of doing it this week. Everyone got their stuff to me in a timely manner, except one girl. She waited until 7:20pm. It's due tomorrow!

I emailed her and asked her for it at like 1pm. Then at 6:15, I told her she had until 7, then I was going to go to the copy place and make copies without her information in it. She didn't email me until 7 freakn' 20pm. What a joke.

I went to the copy place without her stuff. I need to shower and go to bed. I'm not staying up all night to work on a report. She said she doesn't have email at home and had to go to the library. Don't you think she should have thought of that earlier in the week. Not wait until the night before it's due and email it after 7pm. She's an adult. She's older than I am. She has lived in this world and has been going to school for at least 6 weeks. Don't you think she should have thought, "Hmm, I don't have internet and my group needs my information. I should email it Wend night so they are sure to have it." Not, "Hmm, I'm an inconsiderate snot, and I'll make the one person in my group, who is already doing extra work by doing the outline, stay up late to finish my portion of the project."

Be a grown up! Be an adult! Be considerate! Think about your actions! This is such crap. And I'm stuck with this girl all sequence.

What really gets me , is that the slacker of our group got me her stuff in a timely fashion! The slacker! And I know this girl had her stuff done, because I read it yesterday. All she had to do was give me copies of it.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Taking a little break

So I have decided to take a break from school. I don't know if I will go back yet. I just know that I need some time away.

I'm actually pretty excited about it. I am going to try to get a job as a Vet Assistant and maybe work until my husband gets home. I am going to take a few trips and visit some family. I have a friend in Oregon that I want to visit too. I'm also going to volunteer for a non-profit that is near and dear to my hear, Friend to Friend America.

I think this will all do me some good.

My husband was my purpose in life. All I want to do is be a housewife. I want to take care of my house and husband. With him gone, my purpose in life is gone too. I feel so lost without him. I am aimlessly wandering through life right now. I need to find me. I need to figure out what I want to do and what makes me happy (aside from taking care of my husband). I need to do some soul searching right now.

I got some great advice today about surviving deployments. I was told that I need to do things I love to do. I need things to look forward to to make the good days out weigh the bad. To make this deployment bearable.

That is what I plan on doing. I'm going to do things I want to do and enjoy doing. I'm going to make plans and enjoy myself as much as possible. Right now, I am not enjoying school. I do not want to go anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. I really need that in my life.

Proud of my husband

I'm very proud of my husband. I love him and love what he does.

The thing I love most about my husband is the same thing I hate about him... The Marine Corps.

I get so tired of the politics and the BS. I get tired of my pay getting screwed up and the "the only constant is that things always change" crap. I really hate the corps sometimes.

Today I hate the corps. I hate that my husband is half way around the world from me. I hate that he is gone and will miss out on a year of my life. Letters and phone calls aren't enough. I want him home.

Today I realized that I am having a hard time with him being deployed. I put on a brave front and people tell me that I'm strong. The truth is, I hate every minute of it. I would give anything to have him back home. But I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's hard, but I can do this. I have to.

The truth is, we military wives are the best kind of people. We can love under the worst circumstances. We can endure more than most. We have to be strong, we have no choice in the matter. We chose this life, but only because we chose love above all other things. We chose to love, knowing what it meant for us. Knowing about the deployments and the stress of being a military wife.

But some days, I would give anything to be married to a civilian. Today is one of those days. But I love my husband and I support his decision to deploy again. I have no choice.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

My husband

I hear from my husband a lot right now. He instant messages me at night (my night, his morning) and sometimes again in the morning (my morning, his night).

They are in limbo right now. Not to the final destination, but not doing anything either. He eats chow... a lot. LOL.

It's actually kinda hard. I'm hearing from him all the time, so there is no adjusting to him being gone. I find myself impatient when I don't hear from him when I want to. Today, I needed to ask him something and got the urge to text him to tell him to get on the computer. Totally ridiculous, I know. But there is too much communication going on.

We run out of things to talk about to tell you the truth. Besides, it won't be like this for his whole deployment. I supposed I should soak it up while I can. When he moves on, who knows how often I will hear from him. It's just hard to set up my independent life if he is calling all the time. I should be grateful that he can call and message me all the time. There are wives out there that go months without hearing from their husbands, but it's so hard.

I need to let go of it. I can't communicate when ever I want to. I can't always talk to him about my day. I need to be able to let that go. But part of me wants to talk to him. I want to hear from him and know he is ok. I want support from him. I need to get over that. I need to learn to be without my husband. I need to be ok with not talking to him, but as long as he is calling, that won't happen. And frankly, I'm not ready to tell him to not call. I want him to call as often as possible because I'm just not ready to let go.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Even Better News

Well, Studying is over with!

I took my last final today. I have been sick all week... I've been coughing and running a fever. I even had fever during my final yesterday. So last night I decided to skip studying and go to bed. Not a wise choice, I admit, but I was so sick, studying was doing no good.

Well, I took my final today and aced it! Surprise to me! I got my final grades today too. I managed to get a 99% in both classes! I have missed 1/3 of my sequence. I have been playing catch up to get ready for finals and studying my ass off. I worked so hard and I was so sure that I was going to bomb my finals and end up with B's this sequence. Not the end the world, but I'm an overachiever. Plus, my externship is competitive, so grades really matter. I was prepared for my B's and had made my peace with it. It was such a shock to me that I aced my finals and got a 99%!

I guess it just goes to show you that hard work really pays off.

What a great day!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Finally, some good news

I'm on, yet another, study break...

Lately, it feels like all I do is study. I have been playing catch up in school, so I have been studying my ass off.

Well, I had two make up tests this week, as I have mentioned before. I took two on Monday and studied all weekend for them. I thought I did fairly well on them.

The one I took on Tuesday, not so good. I couldn't study the night before. I was so busy with errands and then my husband called for what was going to be the last time. I didn't even peak at my already prepared note cards. I was so sure I was going to fail. I cried to my husband on the phone about my disappointment. I had tried so hard to catch up and there was nothing I could do. I didn't have the time to study, so I was going to fail.

I went in on Tuesday and explained to my teacher why I hadn't been able to study. I just didn't want her coming to me and asking what happened when I got an F, and I knew she would. I told her I had been on the phone with my husband all night and that I expected to fail the test. I took the test and was sure I failed. It was super hard. I didn't know half of the answers, I literally guessed on 50% of the test.

Well, I got my test back today and I aced it. 51 out of 53! I don't know how! I'm pretty sure it was by the grace of God. I am so shocked and amazed that I did so well!

We took one of our finals and did a lab final today too. I was sure I was going to get something I didn't know how to do for the lab final, but I got the one thing I knew really well. (only because I knew I was going to get it and fail, so I had been studying it all day) Since labs are on a lottery system, meaning you pick out of a hat which skill you have to do, I had a good chance of getting something I didn't know. I picked a few things that I really didn't know and studied how to do them all day long. It's a good thing I did, because, sure enough, I got the thing I didn't know. But since I studied for it, I aced that too.

Finally, some good news

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A mixture of things

Ok, So, as usual, I should be studying, but I'm taking a quick break.

I am starting to get sick and am wicked tired. I have two finals tomorrow and honestly, I don't care how I do. I have so much going on and with my husband being gone and all... I don't know, I'm tired and mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I have pretty good grades and I will be fine. So if I get a B I just don't care.

That is the bummer of my situation. I feel totally apathetic about life. I want to care about school again, but it take everything in me just to go everyday. I think asking much more than that is asking too much.

On a brighter note. I thought a friend of my dumped me. It's been 6 months since we last talked and the months leading up to that we hardly had any communication. I was very hurt by it. But it turns out she didn't dump me and wants to be there for me while my husband is gone! Maybe I forgive too easily, but I feel really lucky to have someone (anyone) want to be there for me during this time. She has been through a deployment and she can really understand me right now. I really need that. So, Yeah!!!

Also I had a big day today.

At school we took a field trip to a clinic. It's a feral cat spay and neuter clinic. They are a non-profit that is working on getting the population of unwanted, unloved and uncared for cats down. Basically, they spay and neuter strays. They do 50 cats a day! It's really cool. Well, we went there to learn and help out. It was awesome!

I got to do some really cool stuff. It may sound simple to you... But I have always been afraid of injections. I worry about doing it all the time. I was really scared to do vaccines and stuff. I'm a worrier by nature and I worry all the time about the stuff that I am learning. Am I going to do it right, all the things that could go wrong, am I going to hurt the animal ect. The list goes on and on. I have even talked to my teacher about it because I was thinking of dropping out of school because of all of this fear!

Well, I over came a bunch of fears today! I got to do two vaccinations. It was so much easier than I thought. I was very nervous to do the first one. But it was so easy. So when they asked me to do another, it was no big deal. I also got to microchip a cat. Now this is just as easy, but the needle is huge and it hurts more to do. In all fairness, the cat was anesthetized, but I was still really nervous. You have to place them just right. But I did it! It was harder to do than the vaccine. I mean, it's a huge needle the the skin is tougher between the shoulders, but I did it. That was so cool.

I also got to prep a cat for surgery. I wanted a female because they are easier to shave, but I got a male. I did an ok job. The supervisor said I did great, but the clipping was really uneven. I also had a tough case... His hair was super fine and I couldn't get it all off. The lady had to help me with that, but I did it and then had to scrub him for surgery. I was worried that whole time that I was doing it wrong and that he would get an infection, but I was assured that I did great!

It was such a great day!

I really wish my husband were here. I want to tell him all about it. It's times like these, that I really miss him. He is going to miss all of my "first," all of my milestones with school. It bums me out.

But it was still a great day.

Monday, April 20, 2009

My first hard day

Today was my first really hard day.

I had to make up two tests and I just couldn't keep it all straight in my head... I have to make up another tomorrow and I know I am going to fail. Not in a, "I probably won't fail, but feel ill prepared" way, but in an actual, "couldn't study, have no idea what I'm talking about, failing the test" fail.

I tried to study, but then my husband called. I took four days off of school to be with him and four days the weeks prior to that. I have missed a third of my class due to this deployment. It's a wonder I haven't failed anything yet. But now, I'm going to fail a test because I can't study. I can't think, I can't do anything. I really tried too.

My husband called to tell me that he will call me one last time tonight and that will be it for a while. I don't know how long. We won't know until we know if he has phone access or internet. So I had to talk to him. I need to soak up all the time I have. But I should have been studying.

I bought a bumper sticker today, it says, "sexually deprived for your freedom" It made me smile. Then I found a sweatshirt that says "half my heart is in Iraq." and I cried. For the first time since he left last week, I cried. Only a little and quietly, because I was on the phone with him and I want him to know I can do this. I need him to know that I will be fine. I can't show him how hard this is.

I can't sleep. I'm so tired, but all I do is think about what I will say to my husband last. It will probably be "goodbye."

I would give anything not to be in school right now. It's finals week and I can't think. I can't study, I can't remember anything. Everything just goes blank.

How can I take seven months off of loving someone? How can I just put it all on hold? He is my best friend and I don't feel whole without him... Cliche right? But it's true. I've lost my better half. I've lost the person who gives meaning to my life.

I feel so lost without him.

Today was a hard day. I cried twice, which is a big deal for me because I am a firm disbeliever in crying.

I can't do this, but I have no choice.

I chose to love my husband knowing what he was. Knowing he was a Marine. I still chose to love him. I chose to marry him knowing he would deploy. In a way, I chose this life, but only because I chose love above all other things.

I just didn't know it would be so hard... I was in a state of blissful ignorance.

But now I know.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Time is moving on...

Well, I'm over the initial shock of my husband leaving. It's still hard, but I haven't cried since Friday, so that's a start.

I'm playing catch up in school this weekend. I have three tests to study for and finals to take next week. Bummer. I picked a really bad time to take a week off of school. On the brights side, I'm not really caring how bad my grades get. I know they won't drop too low and I have more important things to worry about right now.

We still don't know my husband's mission. That is tough. I can't emotionally prepare for the best and worse case scenarios if I don't know what he will be doing. It could be anything. That really sucks. But I've heard from him a couple times since he left, so that is nice. He is bored right now. They aren't doing too much, which is nice for me because he can call home. I doubt I will hear much from him for a few months, if not the rest of the time he is gone.

It's hard to realize that he is in danger over there. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's always on my mind that he might not come home. We have planned for all the worst case scenarios and such, but it's still hard to think about. But I have some really good friends that are helping me through and it's been nice to get back into a routine. I'm sure I'll get busy in school and time will go by faster than I expect. At least, I hope so.

I have been thinking about taking a break from school. My husband doesn't think I'm in the right mind to make huge decisions like that right now. He thinks him being gone is still too new for me to be making life changes. But I feel overwhelmed with everything. I mean, I'm trying to cope with him being gone and all that that means and entails. That coupled with 20 hours of class time and 15 hours of homework a week, plus my dog, plus cleaning and laundry and such, just seems like too much. I really want to take some time to sleep in and play with my dog. Maybe read a few books and catch up on my movie watching. I want to volunteer somewhere and just relax for a while. Maybe I'm trying to hide from life a bit, I don't know. I just really could use some time to myself right now.

I will probably stick with school. I'm so far into it, that it seems silly to take time off now. But you never know. We'll see how I feel after this next sequence.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

He is gone

My husband left for Iraq.

It's been a tough.

I decided to take the week off of school. I got a hotel room and spent time with him. He got leave everyday. It has been tough and my grades are going to slip a bit, but it was worth it to have a few extra days with him. We were able to really spend time together.

Now, I am back at home and getting ready to go to bed and then go back to school tomorrow. I just hope I can make it through the day without crying.

Well see how I feel in a couple days. I've been assured that the first few days are the worst and that it gets easier after that.

I sure hope so.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Just a few more days

Soon my husband is gone.

I went to school today, then did homework while my husband cleaned. Then we went to the store to buy all the stuff for his going away party tomorrow. Then I cleaned...

What a busy day. Tomorrow will be worse.

But the cleaning needed to be done anyway and it will be nice to see everyone. I have some homework this weekend, but I got most of it done today and will just have a bit to do on Sunday.

So my husband and I are taking Sunday to skip the Easter festivities and spend the day together. Then he is gone. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I will be free to focus on school for the first time since I started. Nothing to distract me on the weekends and no putting off homework until morning to talk on the phone. On the other hand, I am losing my best friend.

Right now I am kind numb. I don't really feel anything. Last week I was really depressed about it all. But last week was a really stressful week, and I was worried about having weeks like that without my husband. This week, well, it just kinda happened. Before I knew it, it was over. We spent some time together today, but we really didn't have much time together in general in the last week. That really sucks. I had to be at school. I've missed four days in the last two weeks. I feel really behind and have to miss two more days for his departure. School is a really unneeded distraction. I wish I had been able to take the whole week off, but it just wasn't going to happen. My school doesn't work that way.

So here we are. My husband is downstairs hanging out with our neighbor and I am up here blogging. Tomorrow is his going away party.

I'll let you know how I feel when he is gone, but for now, I'm numb.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Should I be studying?

Hell yes I should... If I am doing nothing else, I should be studying. If I am doing something else, it's probably because I am putting off studying. I should always be studying, but I'm not. I finished my note cards and am taking a quick break.

I took another day off of school. It was for a good cause. My husbands uncle had two heart attacks yesterday and was admitted to the hospital for a triple bypass. We took the day off to go visit him. Unfortunately, he ended up going in for surgery and we were told it would be a while before he could have visitors so we didn't go. We might go later or tomorrow. So I missed a test and didn't get to do a lab because of it.

I'm a little bummed. I wish I had gone to school. But it is what it is. There was no way for us to know.

So, instead of going to the hospital, my husband and I hung out. He packed the first half of the day and then we went out to lunch. We talked for a while then went to the mall so I could buy a watch. IT was a pretty good day.

Pups is feeling better. We can't keep her calm, so we have given up on that discharge instruction, but other wise she is doing great. A little diarrhea, but a bland diet should clear that right up.

My husband and I had a good talk. I'm feeling better about being in school and he assures me that, when he gets home, he will be more supportive. (He isn't very supportive right now, but I think he is really trying) I'm a bit worried about it. School takes up all of my time and my husband takes up all of my time, I don't see how the two can be compatible, but he says he will work on helping me around the house and helping me study. I think it will be hard for him to let me study without paying attention to him, but it will only be for six months. Then I will be graduated!

I'm pretty nervous about it all. School is really tough and will only get tougher as I progress. I am also riddled with doubt about whether or not I am cut out for this job. I think I will really like it, but I'm scared as heck to hurt an animal. My teacher assures me this is normal and that I would be a bit weird if I wasn't scared. I also treated Puppy as my first live patient and that was a huge mistake. It was horrible and very difficult to do all the things we had to do. Sticking her with needles repeatedly, and holding her down for things.... It was tough. But I have been assured that it is normal to feel that way about your own pet and that it doesn't usually cross over into other peoples pets, so we will see.

My husband's talk with me encouraged me to try again and stick with it all...

All in all a good day.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My husband is home...

My husband is home and I took the day off of school so we could clean out the garage. The original plan was to purge everything we didn't need anymore and put the rest of it in the newly finished attic. Unfortunately, the attic can't be finished. It would take longer than he has to work around some of the problems that presented themselves. So we just cleaned out the garage and are restacking the boxes down there.

It was frustrating at best. My husband and I are definitely on different wave lengths now and even the most simple of tasks turn in to tight lipped conversations. I think we would have been better off leaving the garage until he comes home. On the bright side it will be done which will make me feel a lot better about being most of the way moved in to our house. I just wish we didn't have so much stuff.

We haven't spent too much time together. We spent the day out on Saturday, which was a mistake because I should have been at home studying for a test I had on Monday. Sunday we had dinner with friends, also time I should have been studying. Lucky for me, my teacher pushed the test back until tomorrow. Which means I am blogging and cleaning the garage instead of studying for my test. I got most of it down, so I'm not too worried, but I have another test of Friday and, frankly, it's impossible to get anything done with him home. He is such a distraction, and it constantly bugging me for my attention.

Monday and Tues I was at school until after 5pm. So no time there. Pups went in for surgery yesterday and I assisted (big mistake on my part), so we had to be at school for blood work and surgical prep. It was emotionally taxing to treat my own dog and I will never make that mistake again. But she did great and is recovering nicely. But it caused the issue of my husband having been home since Thursday and us having spent very little time together.

School is picking up since we have finals coming up and my teacher was sick for a week so we are a week behind now. That means this weekend will be more of the same. I will be missing school on Monday to drive him back to base, so that will hurt me a little. But I'm hoping I will come out of it ok.

I'm hoping to have at least some time this weekend to spend one on one with my husband. We are in such a tight spot. He wanted me to go back to school so I would be busy while he was gone, but that means I have no time for him while he is here.

It all sucks, honestly. I wish I wasn't in school. I would be able to spend tons of time with him. It would be so much easier.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The insensitivities of those who mean well...

Today I got an email regarding my husbands going away party. It was a sweet decline. They weren't able to make it. It's no big deal that they can't come, but they said something that really struck me.

They asked, "How long is his trip?" His trip. Like he is going away to the peace corps or on a business trip to New York. It doesn't really make me mad. If that's how they need to see it to make it make sense to them or to make them feel better, so be it. But it really is an insensitive thing to say.

He is not going a trip. He is going to war. He is going to risk his life for the freedom of others. It's not a vacation.

I love it when people say things like that. I don't get upset, but it strikes me how often people have no clue what to say so they say something insensitive. For instance, I was at school and a class mate asked how long my husband was going to be gone for. I said at least seven months. She replied," Oh my god! I thought it was only six weeks! Well, I couldn't do it." How is that supposed to make me feel better. Congrats. You couldn't do it, but guess what I don't have a choice. But thanks anyway. :) LOL.

I never get upset with those people. They mean well. It is the insensitivities of those who mean well. But I get kinda tired of it to be honest. No I don't think this life is for everyone. No, it's not easy. No, not anyone can do it. Yes, there are many who would refuse. But I can't refuse and in fact I had a choice and I chose to marry my husband anyway, knowing he would deploy. It is my life. I do not think anyone can do it, and I wouldn't want most people to try. But I did choose it. I'm very proud of my husband. Is it hard? Yes. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. But if given the choice again, I would still make it. I will always choose my husband.

If you don't know what to say to someone you meet, please don't say anything at all. Telling us that you couldn't or wouldn't do it is of little comfort to those who have to. Calling it a trip or adventure may be cute on paper, but it belittles what they are doing.

It is better to sit in silence then say something insensitive that you can't take back. I know it sounds silly. But these are little things that people say without thinking.

Please choose your words carefully.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I really miss my husband...

I should be in bed, but I had the kind of bad day that makes it hard to sleep.

It was a really bad day and all I wanted to do was talk to my husband. I waited all day for him to call and when he finally did, it was to tell me that his platoon is having a mandatory night out and that he needed money for it. Heaven forbid the military make something mandatory and pay for it too!

So we are out $50 and a night to talk to my husband. There are so few of them left. I know I should get used to it. In a few weeks I won't be able to talk to him when I have a bad day. I didn't really want to complain. I wanted to bounce some ideas off of him and get some advice. I have friends to complain to. But sometimes you need a husbands support.

I hate the idea of getting used to living without him. It has already gotten easier. I am used to him being gone now. Soon I'll be used to going to others for support. I hate the idea of that. I want to need my husband. I don't want to be used to living alone or him being gone. I just want him here.

I miss him. It's all the little things. I miss that he steals the covers from me at night, but insists that I stole them first. I miss that he doesn't eat left overs, so I always get to eat them. I miss being able to talk to him everyday about everything. Most of all, I miss hugging him.

Deployments are hard, anyone can tell you that. But now that he is really leaving, I'm starting to really think about what that means.

It's going to be so hard to be without him for the rest of the year.

I really hope that everyone out there is loving their spouse and appreciating what it means to have them home. I know that a lot of people out there get taken for granted. It's easy when you are with your spouse everyday to take them for granted. But I don't have all the little things that make marriage great. I have phone calls that last about 20 minutes. So love your spouse and tell them that you appreciate all the little things they do for you.

UUUHHHHGGGG. I miss my husband.

I miss my husband, but am dreading is 10 day leave

I miss my husband desperately. More than I though I would or could. I wish he were here with me. I miss talking to him about my day and hearing how his went. Now, we talk everyday, but about nothing. It's hard to really connect over the phone. It's hard to talk about life when we are living in separate worlds. He lives life in the military. I live life in school.

I miss him so much, but I don't really want him to come home on his 10 day leave. We are in such different worlds. My world is not compatable with having a husband. That was kinda the point. He suggested I go back to school during a time when that is all I would need to focus on. He wouldn't need or want my attention. So how do I tell him that, for the 10 days he is home, I have no time for him? I need to focus on school... It takes up all of my time. It's all I do. I won't have time to take a break. I need to start getting ready for finals.

All I want to do is drop out of school and spend all 10 days with him. All I want to do is drop out of school and never look back. I don't really want to do school anymore and could really use a break. This would be the perfect time.

But what will I do while he is gone? I will be bored. I need school to give me something to do. So now I am in a horrible position. All I want is to be with my husband, but I can't do both... He will be home, wanting my time and affection and I will be studying and going to school.

This blows. I wish I wasn't going to school... Maybe I should just quit.