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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: I need an opinion

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I need an opinion

When my husband deployed, I fell apart. I was an emotional train wreck for at least four days.

I don't know if I have shared this story/history with you, but I will now.

I met my friend, we'll call her "Sharon" when I was in the third grade. We went to different schools but played basketball on the same team. We absolutely hated each other. I don't know why. Who knows what kinds of disagreements eight year olds have.

I left that team and didn't think about her again until junior high school. We just so happened to attend the same one. We were in accelerated classes together. We were still holding third grade grudges, so we didn't speak. That is until I started dating a boy in our class. He was not a popular boy, just an everyday boy, but she happened to be madly in love with him and until recently, thought he felt the same. This made it harder for us to be friends.

Fast forward two years when said boy breaks my heart. We bonded over what jerk he was and have been friends ever since. We ran in different circles, but always stayed in touch. After high school, we floated in and out of each others lives semi-regularly. Around the time I got engaged, I had floated back into her life. We were quickly becoming best friends.

She runs a non-profit organization. I needed something non-wedding to do to de-stress. So I started going to her house to fold pamphlets. This turned into stuffing envelopes and soon I was her right hand man. I worked mostly from home because she was an hour away and I was planning a wedding. I won't go into all I did, but basically anything she didn't want to do I did. I also was in charge of procuring items for our annual auction.

It is now after the wedding and my husband is getting ready to deploy. She tells me I absolutely have to be at a function. It was basically stuffing envelopes, but for whatever reason, I just had to be there. This happened to be the day my husband was leaving for base. It was some time during last December and he wasn't going to be able to come home for a while. But I agreed to go for a short period of time on the condition that I could leave early. While I was there, I told her I needed to leave because my husband was leaving. I don't remember how the conversation went, but she basically told me that she was under the impression that this was the day he was leaving for good. As in, going to Iraq. The idea that she would insist that I be at a function on the eve of what she thought was a final farewell, should have been a huge red flag to me, but I'm a bit naive, oblivious and overly trusting. My husbands finds a fault with that trait in me all the time.

I started school, my husband moved out and we were getting ready for a deployment. That is a lot of stress, so I told her that I needed to take a hiatus from the organization. A step back, if you will. And I did. I did very little work over the next few months.

Fast forward to April 14th, 2009. I am living in a hotel. I am soaking up every tiny bit of liberty that my husband is getting. He is leaving in two days for Iraq. I received an email from her asking me to call some people for the org. I am out of town and missing school. I am doing as much school work as I can in between spending time with my husband. I'm a bit busy. So I tell her that I'm not sure I can make the calls. She tells me that she needs to know, because if I can't, she will need to find someone else to do it.

April 16, at 2pm, my husband boards a bus to take him to the airport. He will be flying out to Iraq. I have said my final goodbyes, hugged him for the last time, kissed him with all my might and am driving home sobbing. My cell phone died, so I couldn't call and talk to anyone about it. I just cried the whole three hour drive home. When I got home, I was a wreck. I couldn't think, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. I was numb, but painful. I see, in the email inbox, that her email is still there asking me to make the calls. I email her and explain that I am a wreck and just can't take on anything else right now. I will not be able to make the calls and she will need to find someone else to do it, I said that I hoped she would understand what I am going through.

This is what she emailed me:
"I actually don't understand. All I was asking was 8 phone calls before May. I think we are canceling the auction. I just can't do all this alone. I'm also going to be disabling your email and taking your picture off the website. It's nothing personal, we just have other people who are really pulling their weight and deserve a "title". I'm sorry you are going through so much, trust me, we are going through a lot here too, but you are either a Director of Resource Development or not. I know this probably sounds horrible but it's something that needs to be done. I'd be happy to have you as a volunteer occasionally still, but you are no longer showing that you are "volunteer staff"."

I replied:

"I had hoped you would understand how hard it is to send your husband to war. I see that I was wrong. I did a lot for the auction and for you in the time that I have been with ASV. But to be honest, my personal life is taking presedence. My husband is going to war and putting his life on the line. Forgive me for being a bit selfish right now.

I'm sorry that you don't understand how hard this is."

She replied:
I don't understand how hard it is, because I'm not in the same position, but I do know that I have seen you do very little over the past 6 or so months

Yes, very little, during an extended HIATUS! And the part about not understanding? How about not even trying to understand. It's called empathy and apparently she lacks it. She cut off my email and removed me from the staff portion of the website... She fired me. On the day that my husband left for war.

I wrote her a curt email letting her know that my intention was to go back to her org, but that I would no longer be doing that because I now know that I will be receiving very little empathy or understanding. I told he to remove me from all lists and contact information.

She wrote back that it's not personal, it's business. And that she still considers me a friend.

Here's my dilemma:
I do not consider her a friend in any way shape or form. How could I? Someone who was supposed to be my best friend fires me the day my husband leaves for war, from a volunteer position, with no empathy, over 8 phone calls that anyone could have made. She flat told me that she would not understand what I was going through. What kind of person does something like that? It was personal. It was completely personal. I was on a break from my job, so of course I wasn't doing much. The reasons I couldn't make the phone calls and was on the break were personal reasons. My husband was leaving for war and I didn't know if I would ever see him again. It can't get more personal then that.

She has continued to email me. Not directly, but forwarding me things. She has also tried to befriend me on Facebook. I have not ignored it because I don't want her to keep sending the request. I have just left it in my inbox for months.

I want nothing to do with her. She abandoned me at the worst of times. She showed what kind of friend she really is. She never once emailed me during the deployment to see how I was doing. I heard nothing from her and after what she did, I'm not that upset about that.

But what do I do now? I thought I made my intentions clear in my reply to her. I was cutting all contact. I didn't even give her my new email address. She has been emailing me at the one she told me she cut off.

I want to express to her that we are no longer friends and why. I want her to understand exactly why. Empathy. That's why. Empathy is the ability to say, "I don't know what you are going through, but I know how I would feel if I were in your shoes." She lacks it. To actually tell me that because her husband is home, she couldn't possibly understand is one of the most insensitive things anyone said to me during the whole of my deployment. "I can't imagine how tough this must be for you, " fine. "I know how I would feel and I'm sorry," ok. But to not even try to see my pain is ridiculous. I want to express all of this, but there is no way I could do it nicely. I think I could be curt. I think I could be distant. I think I could be cold. But I don't think I could be polite.

So how do I tell this girl to get out of my life? I don't want to discuss it with her. I don't want to leave the door open at all. I want to tell her why we are not friends, and tell her to leave me alone. But I'm just not that kind of person. She is so sure that she did nothing wrong, that I think she would be shocked to receive an email from me saying something like that. And I just don't know if I could write it. I've tried being passive aggressive. I ignore her emails, I un-friended her on Myspace, but she just doesn't get it. It's been 8 months since I have spoken to her in any way and when I spoke to her last, I was not friendly.

UUHHHGGG! What do I do? I need some opinions.


Blogger WC said...

I would just be straight forward with her. Be completely honest. Obviously, she isn't getting that you don't want to be her friend. Just tell her how she made you feel and that she doesn't lack empathy. Also, a real friend would have understood and never treated you like that.

December 6, 2009 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

If I were in this situation I would just ignore her but that doesn't seem to working.

I would just tell her how it is and hope she gets the hint.

December 6, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger A.J. said...

She would have understand the circumstances and given you some slack since you were doing so much even before you started helping her. I would tell her how it is and leave it as that.

December 6, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

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