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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: I feel lost

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I feel lost

It's 11pm. I should be getting ready for bed, but why? I have nowhere to be tomorrow. I have nothing to do. I don't wan to get in the habit of staying up all night, but I'm finding it hard to force a bedtime on myself.

I feel lost in life right now. I don't know where I'm heading. Before my husband deployed, I worked for UPS. I loved my job, most of the time. I made pretty good money and had full benefits that I didn't have to pay a dime for. I worked part time and spent the rest of my time being a wife. I loved it. All I want from life is to be a good wife. I want to do laundry and clean my house. I want to keep my husbands schedule and pay his bills. I had that once. UPS was a low stress job. It didn't take any thought to do. It was easy... well, physically demanding, but no thought involved. No stress, and I was good at it too. I was one of the best workers they had.

But I started to grow disgruntled. Being a good worker at UPS means they pile more work on you. The harder you work, the more they give you to do. Most people are lazy workers for this reason. I was surrounded by slackers. I started to resent the people I worked with. I also changed shifts and was no longer surrounded by my friends. It gave me motivation to quit. Not to mention, there is no pride in the job. It's not something you tell people you do with pride. You say, "well, I just work for UPS." I had also risen as high as I could in just three short years. It was sorta a dead end job. So I quit, I was out on disability anyway and just told them that I couldn't get released back to work and walked away.

Now, I am going to school for something that I only have luke warm feelings for. I don't feel passionate about what I am doing. I enjoy it, but I don't love it. School is very stressful. It's an incredibly difficult program. I feel like I am drowning in all the work and I haven't even gone back yet. I'm still on my break and just the anticipation of going back is sending me for a loop.
I just want to go back to the way things were. I want to be content with my job again. I want to be a wife again. But I don't think I can ever go back. Even if I were to go back to UPS, things have changed there. It would take me five years to earn what I was making in three, now. I lost all of my seniority when I left, so I would start back at the bottom. I just don't think going back makes sense. But where am I headed now? I'm going to school for a job that I don't love. I like it. I can do it. I know I will enjoy doing it. I can even see myself doing it for long time, but only because that would be the easy thing to do. That was the trap at UPS. It was a dead end job, but staying there was the easy thing to do. And that is where I'm headed again. A job that I like, that is east to stay at.

I feel so stuck. I just want to be a wife. I just want to take care of my husband, but I can't. He's not here. He doesn't need me to take care of him right now, and by the time he comes home, I will be back in school and won't be able to take care of him. School will take up all of my time.

What am I doing with my life? I feel like I wasted that last 26 years. While I was floating through life and enjoying myself, I never stopped to think about my future. I dropped out of college, I left my good job, and now I'm nowhere. It feels a lot like a midlife crisis.

Am I ever going to find the place I belong? Am I ever going to fit somewhere? My only goal in life is to be a wife, but we need two incomes. Things are so hard right now, being a single income family. I need to have a job, but where? Where do I fit?

Am I ever going to find my place in life? Right now I feel like I never will.

2 Comments:

Blogger Sara said...

okay this DEFINATELY merits a response. :-) I am sorry that you are feeling lost, I myself have found it difficult at times with balancing working full time and the wifely duties. Maybe you should take some time to talk with your hubby about your feelings about school. is it the classes you are leukewarm about or the acutal end job? (which are usually completely different)I hope you start feeling better!

September 29, 2009 at 12:45 AM  
Blogger Margaret said...

You're going to find the place you belong:) You fit in somewhere... you just haven't found it yet. That's fine! You're still young, you have time. You will learn how to be a wife, plus be a full-time student. Its possible. And maybe once you start school you'll become passionate about what you're doing!

September 29, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

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