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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Saturday

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Saturday

It's Saturday night. It's 7:01pm and I am considering going to bed. Yes, that is the exciting life I lead.

I've hit a point where I want to be in bed as early as possible. I used to have to go to bed a 7pm. I needed to be asleep by 8 in order to get up on time. I hated it. Now, I hate being up late. I get lonely at night. I'm fine during the day, but nights are horrible.

I get up in the morning and work out. I shower, I do dishes or laundry. I watch TV, I make breakfast, I play with my dog. I read peoples blogs, I diddle around online. I check CNN.com for the latest news, though it usually makes me angry. Sometimes I take the dog for a walk. Sometimes I call my mom. But come 4pm, I know my day is winding down. I usually call my mom around this time. She is getting out of school and has some free time to talk before my dad gets home from work. I watch TV, if I can keep my focus. I eat dinner. But I am always very aware of the time.

For some reason, I don't want to go to bed too late. I have no reason to get up in the morning, but I feel lazy if I sleep past 8 am. I usually get up between 6 and 7. Today, I stayed in bed until 7:20 and felt lousy about it.

But I just can't get past this lonely feeling in the evening. I know that most people are having dinner with their husbands. Watching a little TV and then heading off to bed... Together. This was the only time of day I saw my husband. I worked evenings and he worked days. We saw each other for a few hours before bed time. It was our time together. And now, I do it alone.

If I keep moving up my bed time, I won't have to spend so much time alone at night. So, it seems, every week, I move my bed time up earlier and earlier. Now, I head to bed at 7:30pm. I wash my face and get into bed by 8 and try to be asleep by 9. I can see my neighbors still awake. Most are just sitting down to dinner. It's still light outside. And I am in bed.

It's pathetic, I know. When I go back to school, I will be going to night classes. I hate waking up early in the morning, so I decided to switch. I will be going to bed fairly late, since class doesn't get out till 10pm. But I just can't bring myself to switch to that schedule yet.

It doesn't help that I have started to dream about my husband. I have never done this in the past. Of course I dream, I often dream about being married or (God forbid) romantic situations, but they are never my husband. It's always some stranger that is supposed to be my husband or lover or friend. But now, it is my husband. He is home and we are together. The dreams are getting more and more vivid. They used to be abstract. I couldn't place where we were or who we were with. But last night, he was home, in the flesh and we were together. It was as clear as if it had happened yesterday. And I woke up sad, because I was alone. He wasn't home. But it was so real I was confused for the first few minutes I was awake.

This is happening more and more.

So I go to bed at 7:30. Maybe 7pm if I get really motivated. I dream about my husband and dread the evening time. There is nothing that distracts me.

So I'm constantly looking for things to distract me. Maybe I'll avoid this all and start to go to bed at like 6pm. We'll see.

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