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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Military life... UGH

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Military life... UGH

It has been two months and twenty four days since my husband left for war. It was been eight months since he activated and left home. He has now been gone for more of our marriage than he has been home.

I have made it my mission in life to find the blogs of other military wives... especially those with deployed husbands, but they are all making me sad. Most of us share a common bond. We all know what it's like to live in the military life. But so many of them are so different from me. I was hoping to find women who were just like me. People who understood me and saw the world from my perspective. But I found that many of them are wholly not the same.

Some are just now figuring things out. They haven't been in the military long and still look at it with idealistic eyes. Some are old souls with more experience then I have. (I take good notes when reading those blogs) Some aren't even in it yet. They are getting ready to become a military wife. None are me.

I should have guessed this. I should have known that all of our experiences are different. But here's where I'm at:

My husband left, voluntarily, for war shortly into our marriage. He is also a reservist, so I don't fit into a lot of military wife categories.

I don't miss him desperately anymore. I have reached a place that is a mixture of peace with life and heavy denial. It works for me.

I resent my husband for leaving me. He didn't even discuss it with me. He just came home one day and said, "Honey, I'm deploying." No room for my opinion, wants, or fears.

My husband doesn't get R&R. I have discussed this before, but really unfair.

I think wives are some of the best people in the world. They are strong and stoic. They are never ending in their patience and love. But their sadness is hidden from the world, because they have to be so strong all the time.

Today, I am preparing my home for guests. It is an old war buddy of my husbands. They were bunk mates during his first deployment and have an unspeakable bond. It borders on creepy. I don't understand it, but I respect it. I love this mans wife and they are coming to visit for the weekend. I'm very excited.

But today a funny thing happened. I read a blog, a military wife, deployed blog. She said she had been asked what was the worst thing about deployments. You have all heard me complain. The fear for his safety, your husband being gone ect, ect. But she mentioned being forgotten. At first, people all want to know how you are doing. Lots of emails and phone calls, but then it just stops. People forget about you. You seem to be doing ok, so they stop asking.

War Buddy and his wife are the only people who still check in on me and ask how I am doing. I never really thought about it much before today. But I have been forgotten.

I may not cry everyday, or feel pains in my heart at the mention of my husbands name, but I struggle. For instance, my cousin is getting married soon and she addressed the invitation to me AND my husband. I shouldn't have been upset, but I was. He's not here, how inconsiderate. Why invite him when you know where he is? It was extremely hurtful, though I know her intentions were kind.

People forget to be sensitive. They forget to see how you are holding up. True, I don't have major pity parties in my honor anymore. I have reached a level of acceptance for my life. This is how things are. I have not choice but to survive... preferably with a little dignity. But it would be nice for people to acknowledge how hard this is.

My husband is gone. Not on vacation or on a business trip, he has gone to fight a war. Opinions about this war are of no consequence to me, my husband fights it regardless of how I feel about it. His life is in danger everyday. He sees honor in what he is doing. I see strength. I see duty.

He is willing to die for his men. He is willing to take a bullet for them. He deployed to keep them safe because he wasn't sure someone else could. He left me during our first year of marriage. He left while we were still figuring things out, and now I have to do my first year of marriage all over again.

I struggle with that. The first year is your hardest, and I have to do it twice. Sucky... I can think of no other word.

So where does that leave me? I am a wife with no husband. I am married, with no spouse. I hate that. I hate that this is getting easier. I have grown more independent, more self sufficient. I don't need my husband like I used to. I hate that I don't need him anymore. I can live life comfortably on my own. I am no longer dependent on him. I hate that. I liked needing him. He liked being needed. Where does that leave us now?

I have all of these thoughts in my head. Worry for our marriage. Worry for our happiness. I know how hard it will be when he comes home. I worry about that. Readjustment is the hardest part of deployments. Not to mention, I worry about his safety and all that jazz.

All of this and no one seems to wonder how I am holding up. I have no one to talk to about it. I guess, even if they did ask, they wouldn't understand.

Don't get me wrong, I hate the looks I get when people find out my husband is deployed. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need your pity. I chose this life. I'm proud of my husband and I know a love that is stronger than most. I know I have enough strength to survive almost anything after this. I know the joy of reunions. I know pride, for my husband and for my country that most never border on. But I have pains the likes of which most will never feel. I long for my husband a way most will never endure. I worry with such fever, the like most will never know.

But in all of that, I, too, have been forgotten... Life has continued on and somewhere in the mix, I am just floating along.

No military wife blogs to keep me company, no empathetic friends to help me along. Just me, floating in the sea of life, waiting for my husband to return and make my life complete again...


Blogger d.a.r. said...

Glad you read it and could relate some. It's funny how I thought I was so alone in feeling like that, but apparently I'm not. We missed most of our first year of marriage, too. He left for a month of pre-deployment training the day after we got back for our honeymoon. And then again three months later. We had a total of 6 months together (not straight) as a married couple in our first year of marriage and he will be returning about 3 months before our second wedding anniversary. It stinks. But, I am just trying to think positively--we get to be those sickeningly in love newlyweds again :)

Hang in there.

July 10, 2009 at 6:10 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

I'm sorry that you are without your husband for awhile. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

You are strong. You are also brave. I hope that you know you are not forgotten. I'm glad you have friends coming to stay with you this weekend. Enjoy every moment.

I pray for your husband. And for you.

July 10, 2009 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Trust me Erin, I know how this feels, in a way. A similar thing happens after you lose a child, everyone is there for you but the cards, notes and phone calls stop, the flowers die and people assume you are doing fine. I think actually, they are scared to know how you are really feeling. In our society, you are expected to say "fine" even if you are dying on the inside. It'll be 5 years for me on the 25th and there are few people who even care enough to notice.

July 10, 2009 at 11:20 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

good goodness girl you took the words






In two weeks my husband and I will be apart longer then we have been together since we were married....

people don't get married to go to home to an empty house night after night...

July 11, 2009 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger Samantha the ArmyWife said...

OOO honey.. I couldn't have said it better. I am in the same place as you, in regard to being comfortable after my husband has been gone for (almost) a year, and no longer needing him. It's freightening. I am also so nervous about redeployment. At this stage, after he's been gone for over 10 months I am also worried about how this time with shape our future.

I am new to your blog, and look forward to learning more about you and your husband. And I'm sorry that you have yet to find someone like you... in your shoes. We're out there.

July 12, 2009 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger . Becca . said...

I hear you on so much of this too. You're not alone, not in spirit, anyway!

We've all been there. Sigh.

July 15, 2009 at 3:04 PM  

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