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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Two post in one day, I promise I won't make a habit of it.

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Two post in one day, I promise I won't make a habit of it.

I was just reading through some of my older posts. Back when I was interesting. Maybe interesting isn't the word. But I was sad and depressed and lonely. That made for some good blogs. Misery is always entertaining. :)

If you look to the side of my blog you can see a counter. It counts how many days it's been since my husband left for war. One month and 20 days to be exact. Time moves so fast and yet so slow.

I can't believe that it's been almost two months! But time seems to eek by. Everyday, I feel like I am just waiting for the day to end and the next one to begin. I haven't had another pity party for myself. So far, I've just had the one, but I feel another one coming on any day now. It's funny. So many of the other wives (I refer to military spouses as "Wives") were torn apart by the fact that they left. They fell apart. Days on end of crying. I didn't. I took it really well. It was like nothing had happened. I even called a wife and told her that I thought I was taking it too well and that it was only a matter of time before I had, and I quote, "a psychotic episode." She was very nice about it and said maybe I was just taking a healthier approach to it all. I called her a few weeks later and told her I wasn't sure how I was handling it. Again she was very nice and simply said, "You are having a really hard time. You may not know it, but I know you and I can see it. You are NOT handling this well."

It was a turning point for me. I began to see all the signs. I didn't care about school anymore. I didn't care about anything. I stopped caring about getting straight A's and didn't care about my attendance. I knew that I couldn't do school and deal with the deployment. So I applied for, and was granted, a leave of absence.

I tell you this so that you understand the background. I am now sitting on the verge of another pity party. I went to Dane Cook, I had a good week. I aced my finals. I am going out with a friend tomorrow. By all accounts, things are going really well. And for once, I am keeping busy. For the first time, I am keeping busy.

So why am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself?

I heard from my husband today. He wanted me to confirm or deny some rumors that he had heard came from the KVN. He wanted to be sure that they were false so that he could start getting after Marines for spreading them. We didn't talk about anything important.

I just feel so sad. My husband is missing out on everything. He doesn't get to see any of the new movies. He misses out on the news. He can't see pups do hilarious things. He missed my birthday. That was truly depressing. I missed his birthday. That was worse. He won't be here for the 4th of July. His favorite holiday.

I sleep alone. I live alone. I hang out with my dog and I blog. It's a pretty depressing life.

He's off risking his life everyday and I'm just sitting at home. Don't get me wrong. I'm very proud of him and what he does. I love him for being a Marine. But I hate him for being a Marine. It's hard to explain, but the Marine Corps is the thing I love most about my husband, and the thing I hate most about my husband. Only other wives understand this. I don't know how to explain it to a civilian.

It's 12:42am, I'm sitting here blogging, instead of sleeping, and I'm getting ready for a huge, and I mean mondo, pity party. I don't know when it will start. I don't know how long it will last, but it's coming. I can feel it. I can see it on the horizon.


Blogger the girl said...

First: you can post as often or as little as you like. It's your blog. No need to apologise.

Second: dogs are the greatest friends ever. They understand your moods without you ever needing to say a word. Give yours a hug for me! And then give yourself one, too, just for good measure.

Hang in there. And don't forget that there is always someone you can talk to when you feel so shitty: friends, family, counsellors, you name it. Or even us blog-stalkers.


June 6, 2009 at 1:12 AM  
Blogger Brandi said...

I agree with "the girl" completely. What you are going through is some tough stuff, completely. No one is going to understand it unless they've been through it.

Luckily (or unluckily lol) growing up my dad was gone all the time. I don't remember a full year of him being around. So I grew up this Navy brat that never really expected a man to be in the house. I did't understand what the big deal was. Now I get it.

Huugs hun, two months down. THAT IS HUGE! We are here for you.


June 6, 2009 at 1:48 AM  
Blogger jlc said...

i so know what u mean about time going so fast and so slow. when i look back on this past year i think ... omg it's been a year already?!

but then again, living it day by day seemed to drag..

hang in there hun!!

ps that wedding pic is GORGEOUS! i loveeee your dress!!

June 6, 2009 at 5:31 AM  
Blogger Krysten & Dustin Hartenstein said...

Tag, you're it!

Open your FIRST photo folder.

Now find the TENTH picture.

Post that picture on your blog and then tell us the story of the picture!

The tag FIVE friends and have them do the same!

June 6, 2009 at 5:53 AM  
Blogger jeanette said...

I think a pity party every once in a while is necessary. I recommend getting some Oreos and some ice cream for it though, just to be safe.

June 6, 2009 at 8:34 AM  
OpenID teasinglydiverse said...

I just found your blog via 20sb, and I think you're completely entitled to a pity party now and then!
You're right, as a civilian I can't understand what you're going through. My dad was a Marine, but he finished up before I was born. I guess I'd say that you've got to be stronger than you think though, to have handled even 2 months this well!
{and oreos and ice cream are always a good idea!}

June 6, 2009 at 3:03 PM  
Blogger d.a.r. said...

I think it's funny how differently we all deal with it. So many wives lie, lie, lie about how they are dealing with it, so I have to say I admire your honesty. I am so stinkin' sick to death of hearing crap about rainbows and butterflies for an entire 15 months. That isn't reality and it creates unrealistic expectations for other people and well...isn't true. Ha! I did kind of what you did. I went home from dropping him off for deployment and started dusting my window blinds. I was just totally numb (and mostly in denial). At about 3 months in, I realized how much it just totally sucked that I still had another 9 months to go and I sort of lost it for a few weeks. My grandfather died, and I felt like everything was falling apart. Thankfully I've reigned it back in, but I've been there...I've done that. We all handle it differently.

Hang in there :) And post as OFTEN as you want!!!

June 7, 2009 at 1:53 PM  

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