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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Trying to go out with a bang

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Trying to go out with a bang

Ok, so this new revelation that my husband hates my blog is a troubling one.

I have relied so heavily on blogging lately to get my feelings out that I feel sorta lost now that I am faced with deleting it.

So, I am going to post a few more times, but will probably be done by the end of this coming week. Sucky. Blogging is cathartic for me. It's a place to air all of my crap that I otherwise don't know what to do with. I loved it when I was doing it for myself. I loved it when no one read my blog. I never had to worry about peoples opinions or what my husband thought.

Now people read it. I love that too. It's nice to see people take an interest in my thoughts. It's bad that my husband, on a whim, suddenly decided to read my blog from start to finish. He was angered by my honesty. He felt that I was sharing too much of myself and by default him. Though I rarely air our dirty laundry or talk much about him aside from mentioning that he is in Iraq, he felt that I was showing the world too much of myself and thus too much of him.

I understand what he is saying. I'm not even mad about it. I took down the post that angered him. But the damage is done. He no longer supports my need to blog to the world.

I suppose if I only blogged about work and school, that would be acceptable, but the reality is that my life centers around his deployment. It is the hub of my being right now. All of my energy goes to not thinking about it. Not worrying. Not missing him. It is the very core of my every intention. Surviving the deployment is the the mantra I live by.

How do I have a blog and not talk about that. The reality is I can't. I am a Marine Corps wife. It is part of who I am. And I live and breath this deployment.

Unfortunately, I cannot explain myself or my intentions. I can not tell you how I truly feel. I can't talk about what this has done to me or the revelations my husband has had because of it. I am barred from all of that by his restrictions. So I apologize for leaving with out much of an explanation.

So, I leave with some parting words.... Love your husband. Respect his wishes, even when it hurts you. Even when it makes your life that much harder. He is your world. He will always be there for you. He will always take care of you. There are always new friends to make, and new people to meet. There are new confidants to be had. There are new opinions to learn... But he will grow with you through out time. He will mature with you. He will love you more than himself. I can live with a husband who does not love me the way I love him, but I can not live without respect. Luckily, my husbands loves me more than possible and respects me fully. And because of that, I have to respect him.

My blog is offensive to him. He feels that it is disrespectful to our marriage, and I have to respect that. I can not blog about life without including him and the deployment, which means I can not blog. I am too honest of a person to censor myself.

I'm really sorry it had to be this way. I found a freedom in blogging that I never expected. I found a community of like minded people to support me and to support. And now, I am giving that up.

I will miss it dearly.


Blogger Margaret said...

I am going to miss your blog!

June 21, 2009 at 1:22 AM  
Blogger the girl said...

Thanks so much for sharing what you could about your life, and I'm so glad to hear that blogging has been a relief to you in such difficult times.

Perhaps you could consider switching your blog to 'private' so that you can still write, but that no-one else can read it? You can do this by going to your Blogger Dashboard, clicking 'Settings', then clicking 'Permissions'. Then you can set it so that only you can read your blog.

Sorry, that was a lot of info! But just wanted to make sure you knew that that option was available if you still wanted to write privately to help you survive the deployment.

Lots of love

June 21, 2009 at 3:09 AM  
Blogger d.a.r. said...

I can understand, but I will absolutely miss your blog!

June 21, 2009 at 5:42 AM  

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