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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Two Posts in One Day, What the Hell!?

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Two Posts in One Day, What the Hell!?

Ok, so I posted a few hours about about my, let's call it my "predicament."

So here I am, sitting on my couch and I'm incredibly lonely.

I went to school. I came home. I talked to my husband, but he couldn't talk long. I checked my Myspace and got the message from Stephanie about maybe moving in. Tried to call a friend. She didn't answer. That's the second time I've called her this week, with no answer and no call back. I then texted another friend, who is not available to talk until later tonight. I spoke with Stephanie. I met with my new housekeeper. And I read a friends Live Journal.

It is now 5pm and the most interesting conversation I have had is with my new housekeeper. I really like her. She's the kinda person I could be friends with. I meet people like that a lot. People I could be friends with, but usually the circumstances are not right. How weird would it be to start calling your housekeeper for advice!?

So here I am. People keep telling me to "keep busy." "Keep busy to pass the time." How do I do that? I go to school, but this sequence is really crappy. We never have homework. I'm sure I'm the only one complaining about that, but that's how I used to keep busy to pass the time. Now I have nothing to do after school. My mom is out of town and she's the one I talk to when I'm feeling lonely. I have nothing to keep me busy. Watching TV isn't that much fun. I used to wish I had nothing but time to read and watch my TV shows. I told my husband that that's what I was going to do while he was gone. I would finally read in peace and watch whatever I wanted to. It's not that fun, it turns out.

People keep telling me that it gets easier. Does it really? Does it get easier to worry about your husbands safety? Does it get easier to have half my heart in Iraq? Does it get easier to sleep alone, eat alone, and live alone? Does it really ever get easier?

I just don't see how it will. How will it get easier to wait by the phone for word from my husband? How does wondering if he is ok get easier? Will I ever stop fearing knocks on the door?

They still knock on your door to tell you your husband is dead. They drive out here in their government vehicles, two men, who's job it is to break the news to wives. That's all they do. They come in, tell you they're sorry and leave you alone to cry.

My husband has started doing missions. He can't call often. He is starting the dangerous part of his job. And all I can do is sit and home and hope that I never get that knock on the door. And keep busy, whatever that means.

So here I am. Alone with my dog... Who has grown increasingly independent. She is so used to me studying all the time that she never wants to play anymore. And it's raining today, so I can't take her to the dog park to pass the time. That's my new thing, I go to the dog park for hours and just walk around. I talk to dog owners about their pets because I'm starved for human contact.

I'm so tired of this life. It's only been a month and I'm already done. I just want my husband home. I miss him so much it makes my heart hurt. Actually, physically hurt. I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how much I miss him. He is my whole world. My life found meaning when i married him. I knew that I was meant to take care of him forever. And now, he is gone. My life has no meaning. I have nothing.

I'm so fed up with deployments. And yet, I defend it. People try to pass judgement on us. People try to say they understand. How could you? Is your husband at war? Is he risking his life everyday? Do you wonder if he will come home alive? Do you go days without hearing from him?

Do you truly understand what it's like to have a husband who picked the safety of his men over living a peaceful life with you? A husband who is so bound by his sense of duty that he left you just months into your marriage? A husband who's loyalty is so deep, that his word to his men meant more than his wedding vows to you?

I digress, but that's how i feel right now. I tell him I understand. I tell him that I support him. I tell him that I'm ok. But the reality is, I don't understand why he had to leave. And I only supported it because I had no choice. And I'm not ok. I'm lonely, and tired, and sad all the time. I want to sit at home and cry, but some how, I have to keep going day after day. Somehow, i have to make it through seven months of this. Somehow, I have to make it ok to be without my husband.

So, I'm throwing myself a pity party right now. Usually, I'm strong. Usually, I'm stoic. Usually, I don't let people know how hard this is. Usually, I pretend that I don't worry about his safety.

The truth is, this probably won't be my last deployment. The truth is, he is going to re-enlist. The truth is, it will never end. He's coming home to be a police officer. I will always have to worry about his safety and I will always have to wonder if he will come home alive. I guess I should just get used to it.

I guess, at some point, I have to accept that this is my life now. This is it.

How do I get to the point where I'm ok with it?


Blogger Liz said...

Just incase, if you call me and your number is blocked, we can't answer the phone. We have creditors and banks calling us pretty much every hour so we are screening our calls. So, if you call, leave a message and I'll call you back.

May 19, 2009 at 6:25 PM  

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