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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: My first hard day

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Monday, April 20, 2009

My first hard day

Today was my first really hard day.

I had to make up two tests and I just couldn't keep it all straight in my head... I have to make up another tomorrow and I know I am going to fail. Not in a, "I probably won't fail, but feel ill prepared" way, but in an actual, "couldn't study, have no idea what I'm talking about, failing the test" fail.

I tried to study, but then my husband called. I took four days off of school to be with him and four days the weeks prior to that. I have missed a third of my class due to this deployment. It's a wonder I haven't failed anything yet. But now, I'm going to fail a test because I can't study. I can't think, I can't do anything. I really tried too.

My husband called to tell me that he will call me one last time tonight and that will be it for a while. I don't know how long. We won't know until we know if he has phone access or internet. So I had to talk to him. I need to soak up all the time I have. But I should have been studying.

I bought a bumper sticker today, it says, "sexually deprived for your freedom" It made me smile. Then I found a sweatshirt that says "half my heart is in Iraq." and I cried. For the first time since he left last week, I cried. Only a little and quietly, because I was on the phone with him and I want him to know I can do this. I need him to know that I will be fine. I can't show him how hard this is.

I can't sleep. I'm so tired, but all I do is think about what I will say to my husband last. It will probably be "goodbye."

I would give anything not to be in school right now. It's finals week and I can't think. I can't study, I can't remember anything. Everything just goes blank.

How can I take seven months off of loving someone? How can I just put it all on hold? He is my best friend and I don't feel whole without him... Cliche right? But it's true. I've lost my better half. I've lost the person who gives meaning to my life.

I feel so lost without him.

Today was a hard day. I cried twice, which is a big deal for me because I am a firm disbeliever in crying.

I can't do this, but I have no choice.

I chose to love my husband knowing what he was. Knowing he was a Marine. I still chose to love him. I chose to marry him knowing he would deploy. In a way, I chose this life, but only because I chose love above all other things.

I just didn't know it would be so hard... I was in a state of blissful ignorance.

But now I know.

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