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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: 3 am

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

3 am

I have been up since 3 am. I popped awake and couldn't fall back asleep. This is the third night in a row that I have been up before 4 am. I just can't seem to sleep. It's now been two weeks and counting since I last slept the whole night through.

I am also having a renew voraciousness of panic attacks. They aren't really bad, in fact, they are fairly mild compared to the ones I used to have. But I am on a medication that is supposed to prevent them, so the fact that I am having them at all is bad news. I do think the med is the reason they are not worse, but it sucks to wake up at 3 am and start having panic attacks at 3:30.

I'm having them at school now too... Don't get me started on school. The stress is really getting to me, I think that is why I'm not sleeping and having panic attacks. I just don't seem to handle stress well...

I wasn't alway like this. I used to be normal. I have always had bipolar, and I have always had issues with it, but this weakness of mind is new. I didn't start having panic attacks until a few years ago. They got so bad that I couldn't leave the house, even to go to work. It's only been a few months since they have gotten better. But now I can't handle any sort of stress at all. My stomach gets tied in knots and I can't sleep. Once I start losing sleep I start having panic attacks. Then I can't sleep because I am having them. IT becomes a terrible cycle and I am stuck in it right now.

I used to be fairly normal. I could handle work and school at the same time. I could laugh at things and feel sad about things without going off the deep end. I could be stressed a normal amount. A few years ago, I seemed to have lost my edge. ANd now, I can't handle anything without falling apart.

It's a very weird position to be in. I know how i used to be and what I used to handle and now I here I am, the complete opposite. I feel weak.

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