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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: October 2008

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Feeling Blue

Ok, So I know i just posted a blog and I sounded up beat. The truth is I'm feeling really depressed.

I've gotten very good at faking being ok. IT sounds horrible i know, but who really goes around and tells people the intimate details of their lives completely honestly? I mean, I say I'm fine, because I don't want people to look at me funny. Being "crazy" as I affectionately call it, or being bipolar, has it's stigmas. A lot of people never look at you the same way again when you tell them that you are mentally ill. It has such a negative conotation.

I'm a normal person. I have a dog and a husband. I own a house and two cars. I work part time. I would work full time, but I get overwhelmed being at work that much. But there is nothing to crazy about my life. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I get 9 hours of sleep a night, more if I can manage. I take my dog to obedience classes and I hate to commute to work in traffic, but I gotta do it. It's nothing that wouldn't fit a million peoples lives. But once I say "mentally ill" everything changes. I get really tired of it, so I have gotten very good and pretending everything is ok.

The truth is, I'm feeling blue. And I've been feeling this way for a long time. I love my dog, but I'm lonely. My husband works all day and I work in the evenings, so I'm alone most of the time. I don't have very many friends, and the ones I have live a ways away. And now my husband is at drill all the time. Not all the time, but more often than before. I miss him alot. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I call my mom sometimes, but she is out of work and living it up. She is always busy and frankly, some times she is not helpful. I don't want to talk to her all the time because of it. All my friends work during the day. I can't just call them when ever I want to. I don't really have anyone.

And now I am looking forward to my husband, the only support I have, leaving for a year. I don't know what to do. I can stay busy, but that won't prevent me from getting lonely.

If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I don't want him to go. I have no problem with him going to war, but I will be so lonely without him. I don't mind him going over seas and risking his life. I mean, of course I wish he had found his true calling in library sciences or something, but I love that he needs to be a hero. He is coming home to become a cop, so he will always have a dangerous job. That is something I have learned to live with.

But I find myself planning his funeral and wondering if I would go back to work after he dies. I don't think he will, but it's something that you have to think about. And what will I do if he does? What will I do for a whole year with out him and the constant worrying about whether or not he is ok.

What am I going to do for a year period. Even if he wasn't in harms way, which he might not be, what am I going to do with no friends and no one to talk to.

I don't feel like many people understand what I'm going through. Most of the other wives who have husbands in my husbands unit don't seem to be taking it this hard. They all work full time and I'm sure they all have a lot of friends to hand out with while their husbands are gone. They don't seem to be dreading it the way I am. I don't think they are as lonely as I am. I don't really have anyone who is able to be there for me while he is gone and I have no one to relate to.

I just wish I had someone to talk to. Who could really be there for me. I wish I had a best friend in the area who I could hangout with. I wish I had a best friend period. That would be nice.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What a week or so...

Well, a lot has been going on the week or so since I last updated my blog.

First off I went to the looney bin... Well it was only during the day, but after eight days it sure felt like I was living there. It actually went really well. I learned a lot about myself and the pit falls of my disease, so it turned out to be pretty helpful. Plus I got my meds adjusted and some added into the mix. Now I'm on quite the chemical cocktail, but it seems to be doing me some good, so I guess it's ok. I'm taking 5 medications now, which is a lot. I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm not doing as many totally crazy things anymore and I'm looking to go back to work this week, so I guess I should be glad they are all working.

The other big thing to happen was that we finally found out when my husband is going to deploy. I'm not at liberty to say, but it is a lot sooner than we had hoped or expected. So now, I'm in a whole new mode of thinking. We have limited time to spend together and I want to make every second count. It really sucks because he is at drill for the rest of this week and was there last week too. I wish there was a rule that said they didn't have to drill leading up to deployment. I know why they have to, they want to be up to date on their training, but they spend the first few months of deployment training. So, I think they should be able to stay home and spend time with their families. I want to see him as much as possible before leaving and all his time is taken up with drilling. It sucks. I miss him more than I usually do because I don't know how much time we will have together before he leaves.

It's very stressful now... I'm trying to keep our house clean, which isn't a big deal, but my dog has been sicks and I keep having to take her to the vet. At first they thought is was a bacterial infection, but now they don't know what is going on. So I have to keep a close eye on her and give her suppliments and stuff. So that is stressful, plus we just moved, so I'm trying to plan our house warming party. The invitations are most of they way ready to go out, though they are going out a little late. But I also have to start planning our holiday party. We do one every year, and this year will be super important since my husband is deploying soon. I want everyone we know to have a few chances to see him before he is gone. We don't live close to anyone, so it's important to have these parties as a reason for everyone to come over... It's hard for us to see people and what not since we live an hour away from everyone we know. So all that has made my life a little stressful.

I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to get through the deployment. I will be an hour away from everyone I know and alone with my dog. I'm going back to school, but I don't know what I'm going to do for fun.

It just all seems a little sucky right now... I'm trying to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when you are going to be saying good bye to your husband for a year. I think it's really good that I got my meds straightened out. I think if I hadn't, I'd be back to the hospital. But for now, things are ok... Let just hope it stays that way.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Losing it

So i am totally losing it.

I am in this hospital day program that is supposed to be intensive therapy and I feel worse than ever. My husband has been taking all this time off of work to drive me there, which adds tons of stress. I begin to worry that we won't be able to pay our bills and we will lose our house if I don't get better soon. And the therapy seems like a joke most of the time.

I do get some good things out of it, but some of the people in the group drive me crazy. There is one girl who, i don't think, wants to get better. She always makes a big show of her anxiety and doesn't try to stop her panic attacks from happening. She is always a downer and won't even try to work on things. It makes it difficult when the rest of the group is there to try to get better. I wish there was a way to get the same all day intensive therapy but on a one on one basis. I think that would be way more helpful than group therapy.

So now, I am having all of these problems. I feel like life in general is too overwhelming. I don't want to deal with anything, so I hide in my room and read. I totally neglect my dog and my husband. I want to take vicodin all the time. I know it's terrible, but I want to escape from life and that really does the trick. But I had my husband lock it all up so I can't take it and now I regret making that decision. I guess I don't totally regret it, because I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm feeling the pressure of having to deal with life now. And to make matters worse, every time I drive my car, I want to crash it into things. I don't want to die. I just want to be incapacitated so that I have to be in the hospital. That way everyone has to leave me alone and I don't have to worry about anything and I don't have to do anything. It's a terrible thought, I know, but it's there none the less.

So I'm totally losing it, I was out of work for eight months last time I got this bad. I can't afford to be out of work that long again. And to make matters even worse, my husband is going on a training mission for two weeks right when I get out of the program. So I have no support system at home. I'm really worried about what is going to happen during those two weeks while I am alone. I'm trying to get my mom to come stay with me and I contacted a friend about staying with her for a few days. So hopefully I'll be ok.

It's just hard knowing I have to face this alone for a while.