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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: No Kids

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

No Kids

Ok, so this doesn't happen very often to me, but since I promised myself to be more honest with my blog than I am with myself, here it goes.

Tonight, being Halloween, I went down to a little party put on by a friend. It wasn't a costume party or anything crazy, just a few people over for a dinner of nothing but orange food. I had a really good time.

The talk wanders, as it will often do when you have a diverse group of people together, and talk soon turned to babies and giving birth.

I was 16 when I witnessed the birth of my nephew and, though I had been saying since I was 12 that I wasn't going to have children, that kinda solidified it. I've never really wanted kids. I don't picture my life in the future and see them. I am happily married and have a dog and that seems to be good enough, but every now and then I feel like I'm missing out.

I was told a long time ago, that kids would be hard for me. Between my bipolar and some things wrong with my pelvis, it would be difficult to carry a child full term with out complications. I've always taken this to be a sign that I was right about not wanting to have kids. But tonight we got to talking about it and I began to feel sad.

I work for a non-profit that helps parents work through their grieving in a healthy manner when they lose a child during pregnancy. I have so much respect for people who are able to move past it. Our founder(and the person who invited me to the dinner) started the org because she lost her first child. I know all about healthy ways to deal and what to do and who to contact for support. But when we were all sitting around and talking about it, I realized how sad I was.

I'm sad because I think a part of me does want children, but I'm too chicken to risk it. There are all these women who suffer multiple losses that we deal with. They want nothing more than to have a child and are willing to suffer multiple losses to have one. I don't have that strength. On top of not wholly wanting children, I just can't go through it.

I think it's a terribly selfish way to feel. I see all the people I have worked with get through it and they are fine. But I just don't think I could survive the loss at all. I don't do well when I have to part with pets. I don't deal with disappointment well at all, and this would be the greatest disappointment there is. I can't imagine doing all that preparation and getting all excited and just to have it not happen.

I feel extremely guilty about this. Here I am supporting these women and families. I talk the talk, but can't walk the walk. I can be supportive an do my part, but I'm too chicken to try to have kids of my own. Too scared that I wouldn't survive a loss. I just don't see myself being able to handle it.

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