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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Losing it

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Losing it

So i am totally losing it.

I am in this hospital day program that is supposed to be intensive therapy and I feel worse than ever. My husband has been taking all this time off of work to drive me there, which adds tons of stress. I begin to worry that we won't be able to pay our bills and we will lose our house if I don't get better soon. And the therapy seems like a joke most of the time.

I do get some good things out of it, but some of the people in the group drive me crazy. There is one girl who, i don't think, wants to get better. She always makes a big show of her anxiety and doesn't try to stop her panic attacks from happening. She is always a downer and won't even try to work on things. It makes it difficult when the rest of the group is there to try to get better. I wish there was a way to get the same all day intensive therapy but on a one on one basis. I think that would be way more helpful than group therapy.

So now, I am having all of these problems. I feel like life in general is too overwhelming. I don't want to deal with anything, so I hide in my room and read. I totally neglect my dog and my husband. I want to take vicodin all the time. I know it's terrible, but I want to escape from life and that really does the trick. But I had my husband lock it all up so I can't take it and now I regret making that decision. I guess I don't totally regret it, because I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm feeling the pressure of having to deal with life now. And to make matters worse, every time I drive my car, I want to crash it into things. I don't want to die. I just want to be incapacitated so that I have to be in the hospital. That way everyone has to leave me alone and I don't have to worry about anything and I don't have to do anything. It's a terrible thought, I know, but it's there none the less.

So I'm totally losing it, I was out of work for eight months last time I got this bad. I can't afford to be out of work that long again. And to make matters even worse, my husband is going on a training mission for two weeks right when I get out of the program. So I have no support system at home. I'm really worried about what is going to happen during those two weeks while I am alone. I'm trying to get my mom to come stay with me and I contacted a friend about staying with her for a few days. So hopefully I'll be ok.

It's just hard knowing I have to face this alone for a while.

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