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A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle: Feeling Blue

A Boy, A Girl, and The Marine Corps: A Love Triangle

"I cast my lot with a Marine and where he was, was home to me." ~ Anonymous.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Feeling Blue

Ok, So I know i just posted a blog and I sounded up beat. The truth is I'm feeling really depressed.

I've gotten very good at faking being ok. IT sounds horrible i know, but who really goes around and tells people the intimate details of their lives completely honestly? I mean, I say I'm fine, because I don't want people to look at me funny. Being "crazy" as I affectionately call it, or being bipolar, has it's stigmas. A lot of people never look at you the same way again when you tell them that you are mentally ill. It has such a negative conotation.

I'm a normal person. I have a dog and a husband. I own a house and two cars. I work part time. I would work full time, but I get overwhelmed being at work that much. But there is nothing to crazy about my life. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I get 9 hours of sleep a night, more if I can manage. I take my dog to obedience classes and I hate to commute to work in traffic, but I gotta do it. It's nothing that wouldn't fit a million peoples lives. But once I say "mentally ill" everything changes. I get really tired of it, so I have gotten very good and pretending everything is ok.

The truth is, I'm feeling blue. And I've been feeling this way for a long time. I love my dog, but I'm lonely. My husband works all day and I work in the evenings, so I'm alone most of the time. I don't have very many friends, and the ones I have live a ways away. And now my husband is at drill all the time. Not all the time, but more often than before. I miss him alot. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I call my mom sometimes, but she is out of work and living it up. She is always busy and frankly, some times she is not helpful. I don't want to talk to her all the time because of it. All my friends work during the day. I can't just call them when ever I want to. I don't really have anyone.

And now I am looking forward to my husband, the only support I have, leaving for a year. I don't know what to do. I can stay busy, but that won't prevent me from getting lonely.

If I was really honest with myself, I would admit that I don't want him to go. I have no problem with him going to war, but I will be so lonely without him. I don't mind him going over seas and risking his life. I mean, of course I wish he had found his true calling in library sciences or something, but I love that he needs to be a hero. He is coming home to become a cop, so he will always have a dangerous job. That is something I have learned to live with.

But I find myself planning his funeral and wondering if I would go back to work after he dies. I don't think he will, but it's something that you have to think about. And what will I do if he does? What will I do for a whole year with out him and the constant worrying about whether or not he is ok.

What am I going to do for a year period. Even if he wasn't in harms way, which he might not be, what am I going to do with no friends and no one to talk to.

I don't feel like many people understand what I'm going through. Most of the other wives who have husbands in my husbands unit don't seem to be taking it this hard. They all work full time and I'm sure they all have a lot of friends to hand out with while their husbands are gone. They don't seem to be dreading it the way I am. I don't think they are as lonely as I am. I don't really have anyone who is able to be there for me while he is gone and I have no one to relate to.

I just wish I had someone to talk to. Who could really be there for me. I wish I had a best friend in the area who I could hangout with. I wish I had a best friend period. That would be nice.

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